Monday, March 16, 2009

Miss Kitty Would've Shared Her Hymnal

William Shatner is on my list.

Mr. Negotiator was all No one deals like we do, in his cheap suit and Mod-Squad poses, and also there was that ad with the lemurs in the baby carriage, which was clearly aimed at me. He promised a weekend getaway at a good price, but he lied, because the best plane ticket prices and flight schedules he had to offer were pitiful. (You heard me, Shatner, PITIFUL.)

So I never did make it to my uncle's funeral. Honestly, I was just a little bit relieved, because no one looks forward to a funeral; still, I should have been there.

Late-breaking reports of the funeral describe it as bizarre. My uncle and his wife were the only Jehovah's Witnesses in a large family, and so the funeral was organized by and held in a JW church. Kingdom Hall. Whatever.

Here's everything I know about Jehovah's Witnesses:
When a fancy-dressed cluster of people toting Watchtower pamphlets and a baby come knocking on your door, especially if one of them is a woman in a pillbox hat, you should quickly hunker down below the window line until they move on to the neighbor's house. This is a generally accepted rule in the family, except with my father, who would have cracked open a beer, let them in, and then pestered them with questions about druids and Santa Claus until they ran for their lives.

Apologies to my imaginary bevy of Jehovah's Witness readers, but by all accounts, the family felt bewildered and unwelcome at the service. Apparently there was a lot of convoluted theology to puzzle out, and some dry speaking, but very little mention of my uncle. Also the church people hogged the hymnals, which was not very Witnessy of them.

I'm pretty sure hookers were not allowed in the Kingdom Hall.

So I was at home this weekend after all. I went shopping and out for a birthday lunch with my amazing friend, Lisa (her birthday, not mine). The Body Shop girl gave us samples of wild cherry shower gel in little lip-balm containers. It's only a matter of time until I'm smoothing shower gel on my lips.

Later, the Bearded One, the kids, and I had Chinese food for dinner.
Here was my fortune:



This is supposed to be a good fortune, right? Because my first thought was, someone wants to kill me. Remember these?



I know I'm being all paranoid and negative again, and probably it just means someone is going to give me a gift certificate for a colonoscopy, but I don't know.

I'm buying a hard hat, because you can never be too careful.

21 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think you need to go down there and buy up all those commemorative bricks. It's the only way you'll ever feel safe again.

Kurt said...

I read the word "dry" with the word "hymnals" on the next line and thought for a second it said "dry humping" and thought that was a cool-ass tradition and that maybe I would become a Jehovah's Witness. But then I read it right. The end.

Michelle said...

Hi Vic good morning to you!!!

Sorry you couldn't make your uncle's funeral. Probably for the best, like you said!!

You weekend sounds like fun though. Time with family is KOOL!!!

HAPPY MONDAY!!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I once had this lady who came to my garage sale and pretended to be my friend and bought up all my leftover cat toys and cat books and cat scratching posts, and then she never stopped coming to my house to tell me about the chosen people. So I was forced to move and buiy dark curtains. Sad.

Sorry you couldnt go tot he funeral. But glad you got to spend a good weekend at home!! I love Chinese food and fortune cookies!

diane said...

I'm sorry you couldn't go to the funeral, because I know it was important to you.
My husband talks to the J.W.'s too, but not very effectively. I ask them questions like "Why does the picture of Jesus in your storybook look like George Michael?". Yep, they run from me too. Actually, they do wide circles around my house now.
Happy Monday :)

Prosy said...

I assumed that your fortune meant that your uncle left you something in his will.
The Jehovahs never come to my house. But the cleancut Mormons on bicycles show up all the time. I like how they were name tags so I can address them personally when I ask them to leave me the fuck alone and stop targeting me!!

a striver for sanity said...

Having these two sentences, one after the other, made me raise my eyebrows in question:

I'm pretty sure hookers were not allowed in the Kingdom Hall.

So I was at home this weekend after all.

Okay, so they were two different paragraphs, so I can let you off the hook (pun inteneded)

Frank said...

Sometimes funerals are good and they help the grieving process. Sometimes when a crazy person talks and accuses the deceased of stalking her and killing her grandfather, it tends to make you afraid to close your eyes and you sleep with the lights on for awhile. (Two months so far.) Had positive thoughts about you, the family, and your Uncle all weekend. : )

Kate said...

I think your dad and I would get along very well - my best encounter with Jehovah's Witnesses? My roommates and I were hanging out on the front porch of our house during the spring semester of our senior year - you know, the first really nice day of spring - it was, like, 2pm on a Tuesday and we were all sitting outside drinking beer, listening to loud, trashy music and talking about boys...three JWs walked up, took one look around and RAN in the other direction. It probably didn't help matters much that one of my roommates asked if they wanted a beer as they sprinted down the street.

Anna Russell said...

This really made me laugh because my best friend was raised a Witness and you are so on the money with your descriptions.
Also, I misread the title and went through the whole post thinking you'd said "hymen" instead of "hymnal".

Rebekah said...

I can't top hymens. But I DO think you are maybe being stalked by the commemorative brick "industry". Sorry you never made it to Oregon, although it's very very very wet here. No dry humping at all...

Margo said...

Sorry you missed the funeral, but it sounds to me like it was all for the best. Around her in the bible belt the JWs have it bad, because all the Baptists and Methodists invite them in for iced tea and try to convert them right back.

Vic said...

Steamy,
You're right! Damn that PTA.

Kurt,
I think if JW's practiced dry humping their services would be a lot more fun. I'm suggesting it next time they come by.

Michelle,
Good morning! Happy Monday to you too. :)

Sarah,
The cat toy ruse was a dead giveaway. Blackout curtains work well, but then it's like living in a cave.

diane,
He DOES look like George Michael! That's too funny.

Prosy,
The Mormons are thoughtful that way. I think I just don't take too well to being cornered, regardless of the predator.

a striver for sanity,
I meant to do that. (I wish!! Sometimes I'm funnier subconsciously. Imagine what a riot I am when I'm asleep. :)

Frank,
I'll be needing to hear the full story at some point, I'm sorry. Because it sounds suspiciously like a zombie funeral. (And thanks for the kind thoughts. I appreciate it. :)

Kate,
My dad would have loved you and your roomies. He would have offered them a beer too, right after he finished his first dirty joke. It's nice having you here, by the way.

AnnaRussell,
You and Kurt are sick puppies. Imagine, associating hookers with hymens?? Totally unrelated. :)

Rebekah,
I grew up in Oregon - vividly remember the wet, which is one reason I live in CA. (I think those brick people hate me!)

Margo,
It's good to hear what goes around comes around. :) Sweetened or unsweetened?

diane said...

How did you reference that picture so fast, hmmmmm. You seriously need to throw out those old Awakes and Watchtowers.
my word ver. is bases, like I've got all of mine covered.
If you have time, check out the last video I put up, it's a hoot. xo

Vic said...

diane,
I loved the Anacyclistes video(I'm not sure if I commented or not, but I watched the whole thing. Your FIL is cool.
I can't watch the new one until I get home. I'm "working" right now, and they firewall the place. Sigh.

HumorSmith said...

Jeezus Keeerist you are freakin' funny as hell. Oh, haven't you been there yet? Well, lemme tell you Satan and the guys are a laugh riot. They serve beer and pretzels, and there's a big screen TV for the games. None of this is anywhere near where you are of course, but you can still hear the sports and smell the beer.
Did I mention global warming is a reality there?

Also, they have word verification at the entrance gate, so I may be eternally okay after all, as I rarely get them right.

Okay, wth? "matchlit"? Now I'm going to start getting words that make sense? I may have to rethink that whole not goin' to hell thing.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Also, this post wins the award for Post Title That Most Resembles Porn If You Aren't Reading Carefully Or Just Happen to Catch a Peripheral Glimpse.

Maggie May said...

Sorry you didn't make it to the funeral. Good thing you didn't lose your sense of humor about it!!!

:)

Miss Yvonne said...

My favorite word in this post?

"Witnessy"

Pure genius.

Also, my husband just tells the JW's that come by our house that we are Jewish. Did that once here and they haven't come back.

lilaphase said...

Best answer when Jehova's Witnesses ask, "have you found Jesus?"

answer - "did you guys lose him again?"

sorry, it's funny to me, because I've had a bit of wine. Shame on me for typing under the influence

Vic said...

HumorSmith,
Maybe the JW's will put in a good word for me? Probably not now. (Matchlit sounds like some kind of cosmic threat....:)

Steamy,
I want to put that award up on my mantel!

Maggie May,
Thanks. :)

Miss Yvonne,
Thanks. :) (I'm going to try the Jewish line, next time, assuming I actually open the door.)

lilaphase,
That joke still makes me laugh - you can come here all juiced up any time you want. :)