Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A tiny bit of spying on the neighbors again.

So I was leaving the house today on my way to someplace very exotic and top-secret, okay, it was Mt. Kilimanjaro, okay, okay, it wasn't, it was just the store, as usual, and I saw my neighbor beating his car.

At least that's what I thought he was doing, but when I squinched down in the driver's seat of my car (which was still parked in the driveway) I could see that what he was actually doing was slamming the hatchback repeatedly and cursing.

After about fifteen slams, the neighbor finally reached into the back of the car and extracted the largest single bunch of bananas I have ever seen. There must have been twenty-five or thirty bananas on there;it's like he'd gone to the banana tree and hacked off the whole limb. I could see that they were so heavy he had to bend from the knees to support the sheer banana tonnage.

Then he slammed the hatchback, and this time, it stayed closed! Were there more bananas still in there, all crushed and pulpy and extruding from the door mechanism, and the next time he tried to open the hatchback it would be glued shut? It seems likely.

The mystery is, why so many bananas? I thought of some reasons, and here they are:
  • world-record banana split
  • Vegas juggling act
  • fake guns for bank robberies
Or, massive hereditary potassium deficiency. Those poor people.

Also, as an interesting side note, this is the man who keeps ducks in the house. Do ducks eat bananas? Or has he adopted a gorilla, and if so, do gorillas like duck served in a whimsical banana sauce, because I hear some gorillas enjoy fine cuisine right before they beat someone to death. It would work out okay in the end, probably, because the gorilla would love tooling around in the Bananamobile.

If the neighbor seems suddenly a lot hairier, I'm calling the police, is all I'm saying.

Circus yard update:

My neighbor to the left has added to his gazing ball collection. He's up to seven, and it's pretty exciting, because it won't be long until every plaster animal in the yard will have it's own gazing ball, and that is not only a beautiful lawn tableau, it is also democracy in action probably, or the American dream for plaster squirrels and crocodiles. It's something to see when they light the tiki torches at night, how the light bounces off the balls. Close your eyes right now if you want, and visualize it. I'll wait.

Okay, that's enough, because I have big cul-de-sac news!

Next to the drunken teenage battalion, a new family has moved in! They have a flat screen TV that can be seen from space, and several lawn gnomes lounging in the flower bed. This is an important contribution to the neighborhood, because gazing ball man has sorely neglected the gnome option in his own yard.

And the lawn gnomes are way lucky, because on sunny days, which here is like every day, the dad of the new house throws the garage door open. And the gnomes get a front row seat to the tattoo parlor that's been set up in there. People come and go all day; he's doing a roaring business as far as I can tell.

It's a genius business strategy because it's low overhead, an extremely short commute from home, everyday is casual Friday because he does the tattoos in a bandanna and bedroom slippers, and plus it has built- in longevity, what with the elementary and high schools right around the corner. It pays to build your customer base early, is what I always say.

I do too.
Well I would, if I had mad tattooing skillz.
Shut up.

25 comments:

Kez said...

Aah, you make neighbour spying sound really awesome.
All I know is that I cannot tell how many children my neighbour across the road has and what the hell their ages are.
Also this one car rocks up on weekends and I have NEVER seen the owner of it.

HumorSmith said...

Vic, Vic, Vic. The answer to the banana car is simple. He keeps all the fruit in there so he can peel out. Tsk.

Nice to know no matter where you wander, there will always be gnome.

"ingiesu"? Please! I'm not even dignifying that with a pun.

Oh wait, it sorta sounds like indigestion, which I get from your friggin' word verification thingie.

Kurt said...

It's very important to keep your gnome-to-gazing ball ratio up to code because otherwise some smartass will start jacking up his lawn with flamingos and then you've got a real problem.

Also, I wish I had a banana.

Also,Also I'm super-proud of myself for using "jacked up" and "flamingos" in the same sentence.

The Dental Maven said...

Okay, the only thing worse than gazing balls are gnomes - and you have both in your neighborhood? What are the odds??? That's like lightning stiking twice in the same place!!

Frank said...

Bananas – Do you know how hard it is to find a good banana car air freshener? The neighbor is guaranteed to have his car smelling like banana for months.

Gazing balls – This is proof that you were right in your earlier post that aliens have targeted your neighborhood. If he gets to 13 gazing balls that will complete the gate and the aliens can come and go as they please.

New Neighbor – Sounds like an alien scout. The gnomes give it away every time. Keep your eyes pealed… scratch that.

Prosy said...

You know how you could out perform your neighbors and win 'Yard of the Month' and a free ham?!!

Buy some of those inflatable arm flayling tube men (that they have at car dealerships and they always talk about on family guy for some reason) I bet you would start a neighborhood craze.

If that's too out there for you, there's a house near me that has an elaborate Barbie diorama set up in the front yard, which changes with the seasons and/or current events.

a striver for sanity said...

Do bananas grow in California? Do you like have a Chiquita Plantation nearby to account for the massive tonnage of banana appeal? Okay, so that doesn't make much sense but I wanted slip a peel in there somewhere.

I'd worry about tarantulas if I were you. Don't they hid out in bunches of bananas kind of like the gnomes of the fruit world? I'm not sure what the equivalent of gazing balls might be. Glow worms perhaps?

Michelle said...

Gotta ask, what are gazing balls? For real, I have no idea!!!

I live in a 23 story apartment building, so would I have even ever seen a gazing ball?

Well, sure I like to gaze at balls, but thats a whole other issue!!!

I think I got my last tatt over at your new neighbor. In fact, I think I saw you spying on me VIC!!!

HELP!!!

WV chits

Daisy said...

I want to live where you live, it sounds fun!

ps: I think he has so many bananers because he's going to make slippers. Oh dear. I don't peel well now.

O.G. said...

This whole post is hilarious. It sounds like the perfect setup for a children's book. I never would have thought tattoo folks would like garden gnomes.

I learned something today.

Jill said...

I feel much better now. I thought we were bad...our house is called the lizard house...don't ask.

Oh and tarantulas hang out i bananas.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your neighborhood sure has a lot of ap-peal!!

Hee. Heehee. heeheehee. HAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA. *takes gun out of drawer* HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *loads onebullet* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*sticks gun in mouth* HAHAHASOFUNNYHAHAHAHAHAHA.........

Anna Russell said...

You just made me laugh so hard I dribbled tea on myself.

diane said...

My neighbor installed a gazing ball first thing when he moved in, but the yard is on a slope so it keeps coming off of the pedestal and rolling down by the fence. I can't believe it hasn't broken by now; what are those things made of?

Scrappy Doo said...

What does one do with all the bananas?
Bread maybe? Pudding? practice?

Gazing ball guy. Thank heaven he is your neighbor not mine. I cant stand all the lawn art.

Tattoo guy - Must not be an HOA neighborhood. there is one in Dallas and they rule what kind of vehicle you can park in your yard

Love the post!
Scrappy

Rebekah said...

Google ate my comment. Let me try again:

WHERE is the website a'la Cake Wrecks for Those Who Abuse Lawn Ornaments? TOTALLY this is the next big money maker!!!

Miss Yvonne said...

Holy crap, gnomes AND a tattoo parlor in the garage? You've totally got me beat...all I have are nosy rednecks across the street and an Indian family next door that has a bunch of white kid statues in their front yard which seems weird to me for some reason.

Pearl said...

My neighborhood is positively tame compared to yours! We're all so excited about Spring coming that we're opening doors for each other and making little "no, after you" movements, giving out free massages...

And Vic? The Humor Smith got it exactly right. :-) "... so he can peel out". :-)

Pearl

p.s. You have some really silly readers, don't you?! Congratulations!

Vic said...

Kez,
It IS awesome. I don't even need TV anymore. (I think you should do a covert op and find out who's driving that car....)

HumorSmith,
I didn't know you lived in Alaska! (Nome?....never mind). Three points for "peel out"!! Can't believe I missed that one. :)

Kurt,
Gazing ball guy has flamingos too. They are much taller than the Virgin Mary, who they appear to be attending. (Excellent use of important cultural terms -"jacked up" is always classy.)

The Dental Maven,
I think I may be on a reality show, and I'm the butt of the joke. But, then, I've always thought that. :)

Frank,
I KNEW there was a significance to the gazing ball increase! It was so OBVIOUS! (Where's my hat???)

Prosy,
You have the best ideas - I'm going to get one of the windsock dancer guys and mount it to the roof of my house!!! And it's windy here, so extra good!
I am jealous to the core of my being about the Barbie diorama neighbors. How can it get better than that? Please write about it. You owe it to the world.

a striver for sanity,
No banana farms here, just a supermarket that is suddenly low on bananas. (Gazing balls harbor....crabs? I don't know.)

Michelle,
That wasn't me, that was ...someone else. :)
Gazing balls are big glass orbs in different colors that people put on pedestals or hang from wire stands. You're supposed to "gaze" into them for some reason. I'll see if I can find a picture.

Daisy,
Five demerits for the puns. Cats should never sink to that level, unless catnip has been promised. :)

O.G.,
Hi! This must be a very ironic tattoo artist. Or he's making them in a mold in the backyard to relieve stress.

Jill,
Okay, you can't just drop "lizard house" like I'm going to ignore it. 'Fess up! :)

Steamy,
You didn't make it to the pharmacist on time again, did you? How many times do I need to tell you, NO MISSED DOSES.
Now I'm going to have to come over there. (Put the gun down.)

Anna Russell,
:) I"m sending you a figurative tea towel right now.

diane,
That's hilarious! (You should set up some giant bowling pins at the bottom of the hill. )

Scrappy,
Good to see you! I'm surprised that the city hasn't shut down the tattooing, at least. A city hall employee lives next door to him, so I guess they don't really care.

Rebekah,
We need to start that site! I've got lots of examples to start us off. :)

Miss Yvonne,
Maybe the Indian family is turning neighborhood children into salt pillars. That's so creepy!

Pearl,
Except for the scooter lady who kills your flowers. And the one who STEALS your flowers. (same lady maybe??) I don't know if you want to massage either one of them.
We like silly here. :)

Mr. Lost said...

Hi Vic:) You should start a Partridge family bus mobile tattoo parlor. Driving in circles around the culdesac, tattooing I heart Vic on all your degenerate followers and singing inspirational songs in made up french.

diane said...

While going to the store with my daughter, I couldn't help but notice an award winning yard display; you have opened my eyes because I never noticed this until today. Sitting in a semi-circle: a polar bear wearing a red scarf, some boulders with plastic flower decorations, a "Mary" thing, and a wire lawn chair frame (no cushion). They looked like they were having a little tea party. My word ver. is merdi which will be my new word for Monday, since that day is usually sh*tty. xo

lilaphase said...

Our next door neighbor put up a 'raccoon crossing' sign in their yard, and then, honestly, we got all kinds of raccoons coming over. Sickly, mean, cute, stinky - you name it.

We never saw a raccoon before the sign went up.

giraffegirl524 said...

yeah i'm back! and i'm so glad! thanks for the comment, and WHERE do you live? you've got some weird neighbors, it sounds like... =]

Margo said...

Stepford is no competition for this shiz. You must invest in some fancy recon gear... I want photos. Illegal animal is definitely involved with the bananas. Tranny outlet mall should have a tattoo parlor. I saw an article today that it's recession proof. Even dentists are getting them.

Vic said...

Mr. Lost,
And after that they will make me a saint! It's going to be so inspirational.

diane,
There is so much beauty in the world, if only we have the eyes to see.

lilaphase,
Raccoons can totally read. That's how they know how to get the child-proof caps off the bottles.

giraffegirl,
Good to have you back! Are you still living out of boxes?
I live in the suburbs, which is pretty much crazy-ville.

Margo,
I'm working on the pics. Promise. I have to be nonchalant about it...
What do dentists get tattooed?