Psst. Hey, you. Yes, you, come over here.....ssshhhhhh. I've got something to tell you. Act casual.
You know The Beard, aka "The Face Blanket"? The one that morphed into The Hellish Goatee a couple of days ago? No, don't look over there, look down, pretend we're not talking about it. Laugh a little like I just told you a funny joke totally unconnected to beards. ......no don't touch your chin like that, it's so obvious! .Don't you know how high the stakes are here??...*sigh* You are SO never going to be a spy, I can tell you that.
Anyway. It's gone! The Face Blanket is gone! Whoop, whoop! Uptop! Downlow!
SSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! He's going to hear you,dammit, and then it's right back to the pelt. I'm just not strong enough to go there again.
It's amazing, I know, I can hardly believe it myself! I don't know why he decided to get rid of it, except that salespeople wouldn't wait on him, and no one recognizes him anymore. Or maybe it was when a friend told him it looked like pubic hair. It's hard to say. All I know is suddenly he was bent over the sink shaving and talking about taping a wad of whiskers to the dog for a funny photo op, like the dog hasn't been through enough already.
He's in mourning right now. He keeps stroking his naked chin and heavy-sighing, so don't bring it up, okay? We don't want this to be beard-remission; we want a total cure.
We'll party later.