Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I Feared This Day Would Never Come

Psst. Hey, you. Yes, you, come over here.....ssshhhhhh. I've got something to tell you. Act casual.

You know The Beard, aka "The Face Blanket"? The one that morphed into The Hellish Goatee a couple of days ago? No, don't look over there, look down, pretend we're not talking about it. Laugh a little like I just told you a funny joke totally unconnected to beards. don't touch your chin like that, it's so obvious! .Don't you know how high the stakes are here??...*sigh* You are SO never going to be a spy, I can tell you that.

Anyway. It's gone! The Face Blanket is gone! Whoop, whoop! Uptop! Downlow!
SSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! He's going to hear you,dammit, and then it's right back to the pelt. I'm just not strong enough to go there again.

It's amazing, I know, I can hardly believe it myself! I don't know why he decided to get rid of it, except that salespeople wouldn't wait on him, and no one recognizes him anymore. Or maybe it was when a friend told him it looked like pubic hair. It's hard to say. All I know is suddenly he was bent over the sink shaving and talking about taping a wad of whiskers to the dog for a funny photo op, like the dog hasn't been through enough already.

He's in mourning right now. He keeps stroking his naked chin and heavy-sighing, so don't bring it up, okay? We don't want this to be beard-remission; we want a total cure.
We'll party later.

other wive's nightmares


The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

That reminds me of the Jackass movie when they glue pubic hair to that guys face and he pretends to be a terrorist.

You should see my mother-in-law's facial hair.

mkreider said...

If he starts to weaken tell him how much younger he looks without it then lick his chin...something you probably didn't do much of when it was covered with hair! LOL

That Baldy Fella said...

I'm not sure I appreciate the strong anti-beardist sentiment which permeates this blog. The underground beardy resistance starts here. Vive le goatee!

Kate said...

Woah. I'm going to see if I can get my fiance to bust out the bottom middle picture's style for our wedding...

Walter said...

There's nothing acceptable about a beard, unless the beard wearer chops wood for a living. Otherwise, grow up, stop pretending it's still the Civel War Era, and shave like everyon eels. That's the speech I'd use if it starts to grow back.
Also, what the hell is wrong with German people? Those beards seriously messed up.

C.B. Jones said...

The world would be a better place if all animals could grow beards.

All animals, except naked mole rats.

Scrappy Doo said...

Damn thats funny!!

Miss Yvonne said...

I won't let my husband shave off his goatee, because I'm freaky about how much I love facial hair.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Wow. I'm so envious. My husband's had his face carpet for way too many years, and I want it gone. Gone, I say. He refuses...Maybe I'll let my chin hairs grow, and see how he likes it.

Margo said...

Yeah! Facial hair is BAD for marriages, especially when it's on a her, but still concerning on a him. Glad you lived to tell. Do you feel like petting him now?

Girl Interrupted said...

Yay! *waves goodbye to the beard*

What the hell is with the Germans and ludicrous facial hair???

Anna Russell said...

RIP face pubes. *bows head*

LiLu said...

Congratulations! This is a big day and a great triumph for (wo)mankind.

I would have just stopped shaving my legs until he caved...

Chelle said...

Neil is threatening to grow out his mutton chops. And his eyebrows.

He's already wearing a kilt and wool sweater around.

It's the worst mid life crisis EVER.

diane said...

I'm so happy for you, it takes ten years off, doesn't it?
What's with middle bottom German guy? He looks like he's eating a whole squid.

I just walked in the door about 1/2 an hour ago. Man, it's good to be home! Cute hubby has always had a little beard and stash, btw. Somehow, he still manages to look a little like Clint Eastwood; I really missed him. xo

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You know I'd give you a super high five and then maybe we'd jump up at the same time and chest bump, but seeing as how that's too obvious and I too am skilled in the art of husband beard sabotage strategy, what I'm doing is talking to you about something innocent like macaroni or swiffers, while just barely flaring my nostrils and lifting my eyebrows for a millisecond. Did you catch that? Yeah I knew you would. Congratulations, my friend. It's been a long road.

Wendy said...

Yay, congratulations! (I cheered in a very low whisper. Honest.)

Kurt said...

The world feels colder and more alone now. But I'm glad YOU'RE happy. (*sniff*)

Michelle said...

YAY what an amazing day!

I was not sure this day would ever materialize!

Round of applause for the beard man no more!!!

Fragrant Liar said...

I like the scruffy look, as long as it's manicured and stays about one-gabillionth of an inch long. Otherwise, yeah, that facial hair's gotta go. I demand the same of myself.

Vic said...

The Devil's D-i-L,
I don't know about her facial hair, but she has a lovely sunburn... (It's nice to meet you!!)

He does look younger, and far saner. No, you're right - definitely no chin licking with the beard on. It's an interesting thought...

That Baldy Fella,
It's just that no one can really carry off the facial hair the way that you do - you're in a league all your own. (My husband would like you :)

I was especially attracted to that one too. I'm pretty sure it's all down to the product. Molding mud? Hmm.

I'm inclined to agree with you, unless the facial hair is very, very short and groomed, a la metrosexual.
My husband's beard made him look wild-eyed.

C.B. Jones,
The naked mole rats especially need a beard. Oh, the naked vulnerability!

Scrappy Doo,
Something tells me your household might be more beard-friendly than mine. And also that the beard is better groomed. :)

Miss Yvonne,
Which of the facial hair delights from the gallery do you think would look best on Capt. C? Everyone seems to love the "squid" one the best so far...

I say 'go for it'! Battle of the chin whiskers!! I'm pulling for you, believe me.

He kept asking us all to pet him before, so I'll have to work up to that one.

Girl Interrupted,
Germans are an interesting breed - just look at saurkraut.

Anna R,
"face pubes" cracks me up! I am such a child.

Thank you, thank you... :) I tried the leg thing. He just saw it as hairy solidarity. Sigh.

Does he have the legs for a kilt? I bet he could acheive one of the looks on this post! I'm all about inspiration.

Welcome back!! We missed you. Cute hubby can carry off the look, I'm betting.

And you were there every painful step of the way. You play the game with finesse, just like I knew you would. *slight lip curl and chin lift, which makes me look a little chola, except without the lipliner*

I knew I could count on your discretion and self-control....thanks!! Shhhh.

I, sir, am ecstatic. One fail beard down....

Yay!! The odds were high, but we never gave up, did we? No, we did not!

Fragrant Liar,
That look I could have handled. Back Woods Man I really couldn't . (Do you have any Nair on you? I've got this little thing happening above my lip....)

HumorSmith said...

So it's gone huh? Looks like you won by a whisker.

"galiti"? G Gordon Liti? Chick lit? Your way of saying I'm not well-known enough to post on your precious little blog without verifying my humanity? Who do you think you are anyway? Do you realize how damaging to my fragile ego all this is?

I think i'll grow a beard and email you a photo.

Dominica said...

Happy BEARD day !!

Gaston Studio said...

Reminds me of when my boyfriend of 8 years decided to go 'naked' after I'd only seen him in a full goatee all that time. When he came home goatee-less, he looked like my dad! I couldn't wait for him to grow it back! Yuk!

The Jules said...

I've never seen my Dad's chin, but if it's anything like mine, I can understand the beard thing. I'd grow one too if the missus wasn't into huge chins you could stun a pony with.

Sigh . . .

TMC said...

Good riddance!

Vic said...

You're pulling out the big guns now with that beard threat. I'll try to do better, honest!

Thank you! I need to write down the date so we can celebrate every year. With maybe a ritualistic shaving.

Gaston Studio,
He must have had the goatee when you met him then? Did he grow it back for you?

The Jules,
I am picturing you like an extra-strength Jay Leno, all lantern-jawed and crazy swinging at farm animals. Does it work on people?


Nanodance said...

You mean THAT GUY OVER THERE?!? THE ONE WITH THE BARE CHIN? (said in really loud stage whisper)


Chelle said...

He certainly does. Stalky with big calves. Not like... freakishly big.. just well rounded.

Not like my LAST husband he had ankles that any supermodel would envy.

Nej said...

CONGRATS!! Oh crap, I mean congrats. He didn't hear me, did he?

I just can't help the excitement! I too am a facial hair fear-er. Luckily, hubby works for the fire department and he can't have a beard.

He CAN have a mustache though...and the thought terrifies me to my very soul. :-)