Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm Just Here to Help

Because I Care:
Life Lessons From Me to You

1. Fact: Your eyes will assimilate the information received from each eye into a single visual impression. This is a great eye-feature, most of the time.


Always check that both lenses are still in your sunglasses before you wear them in public. See, if you have, oh, say, a dark lens in one side, and NO LENS on the other, it is entirely possible that you may not notice, despite the telltale breezes blowing in one side, because you are distracted by your own hamster-on-a-wheel thought processes. Others, however, will notice. They will not say anything, but they will notice. You will walk confidently past many, many people on the way to your car, basking in your sudden popularity. There will be smiles everywhere. It's a wonderful world until you get in the car and flip the visor down.

This is what I've heard, anyway.

2. Fact: Pork and Beans are an American classic. Also, they don't really have much pork in them.

Because they are so in- demand, particularly at family picnics where the drinking has likely been going on since breakfast, it is important never to get between a man and his can of pork and beans. Because that man, mostly likely your brother, may stab you in a drunken attempt to reunite with them. He will then be all worn out from stabbing you and not up to a wild truck ride to the ER, which I guess doesn't really matter, as most insurance plans these days do not cover bean-induced injuries anyway, and the personnel may just let you bleed out in the waiting room in full view of the surveillance cameras.

Pork and beans, no matter how viscously delicious, are not worth your life.

3. Fact: Blind people can make you pay for exposing their hidden agendas.
Okay, maybe that's not a fact, officially, but I think we've learned to trust our intuition on this one, haven't we?

Blind people somewhere are punishing me right now. I think they have remotely sabotaged my home computer in retribution for my whistle blowing activities.

My computer is currently doing its best impression of Linda Blair in the Exorcist scene where the priest can't do anything, there's just all kinds of hell breaking loose, and Linda's head starts spinning around, only because it doesn't have an actual neck, the computer just spins internally. I mean, it won't shut off, but it won't start either. It just hovers tantalizing on the log-in page long enough to make me think I can type something, and then the screen goes dark and we start again!! I definitely heard voices (we are legion, I think they said) and I felt a cold spot ( which might just be because I was sitting next to a window, but it might also be what they WANT me to think.)

Never let blind people know you fear them. They can pick up on this with their special fear sense (nature's compensation) and then they own your soul. And your computer.

Next time: Maybe some household tips!

Here's a sample:
Faux cheese can be more easily picked out of a carpet when it is a day old. The pieces harden into aeronautics- grade plastic pellets, making it a breeze to sweep up!

You're welcome.


FunnyGal KAT said...

Man, those blind people are sneaky. We're all like, "Oooh, poor blind people. They can't see so we'd better be nice to them and help them cross the street and stuff" and they're all, "Ha, ha, you think this is a guide dog, but I'm secretly training it to kill you. Then I'm going home to f*ck with your computer."

I'm so glad you are finally bringing this to the attention of the world, Vic!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I once walked around all day with mascara on only one eye. Not really the impression I wanted to make.

Girl Interrupted said...

*Takes notes*

*Checks sunglasses*

wv is "martion" ... is it trying to tell me something?

*makes foil helmet ... just in case*

Traceytreasure said...

Great post! Just so you know, those glasses in #1 would be great for someone who is only blind in one eye!! You might be on to something!
#2 Why do they even have pork in the name? Seriously!

I have a tip for you too! I found out by accident (trial and error) that you can get Sharpie pen off of most hard surfaces with GOO GONE!! You're welcome!!

Thanks for your tip!! I love your posts!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Don't feel bad. It's like a Rodeo Drive eepatch. You're a hoity toity pirate.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...


Michelle said...

Is the faux cheese when hardened, the same consistency as hard boogers that you have to pick out of your nose and it even kind of hurts for a second as its being loosened from the nostril cavity??? Just wondering!!

I also wonder this: When a blind person picks his/her nose what do they do with the boogers that get away? They probably think its the hardened cheese from their LC dinner last night! Makes sense right??


I'm Nate's Mom said...

Here's one for you: resist the urge to buy the cash register chocolate bars and scarf them down while out running errands, or you may find yourself conversing with the bank teller (whom you know) for a good 5 minutes with a tell-tale smear of chocolate on your face -- AND NO ONE WILL TELL YOU (except your review mirror, after the fact).

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Thank you so much for the cheese info!! I so needed this little nugget!

Brian said...

YOUR computers possessed too? Radical.

Miss Yvonne said...

I knew there was a reason I hate pork and beans.

diane said...

Vic, I just have a quick minute here. Very funny post,as usual. I'm having a great time, and I'm pretty tired. The highlight of the day was when my sister noticed that a monkey was getting ready to "whizz" on every one, and we all ran. You had to be there I guess. But it was pretty funny. xo

Vic said...

Hello! And you're welcome - I see myself as the ultimate public servant...and unmasker of villains.

Awake on one side, sleepy on the other! You get to have two moods at the same time, all day!

Girl Interrupted,
Around here we've learned that foil is inferior to Velostat for keeping aliens out of your head. I'll get you the link. :)

That Goo Gone tip I may actually use! We have had our share of Sharpie tragedies around here... Thanks!

I thought and thought and felt bad because I don't know what an "eepatch" is, which totally proves I come from a hick town. I'm clearly not Rodeo Drive material.

Blind people do not have boogers. If you can't see them, they don't exist. I try to live my life that way too! :)

I'm Nate's Mom,
Why, WHY, do they never tell you??? Everyone thinks they're being kind. It's worse, now that people can take a quick picture of you with their phone and post it somewhere. Hey! Hmmmmm.

Exactly. Little nuggets. You're welcome. :)

Oh no, you too?? It's because of the blind people. I'm sorry you ended up in their crosshairs, man. Tough break...

Miss Yvonne,
I haven't stopped at one reason to hate pork and beans. There are so many good reasons out there.

Hey!! I'm glad you're having a good time so far! I so have to hear the monkey whizzing story - it has all the elements of high comedy!!

HumorSmith said...

I personally like the lens in/out look. It makes it easier for me to see while driving, which some fin a good thing, don't ask me why. Also, it is much simpler to put in contacts, because you only need one.

"Sessest"??? What, like "sessest at last, after all those attempts"?

A snake with a lispth perhapth?

Vic said...

No, it's a angry feminist with a lisp - "You, you! You're just a dirty sessist!"

Good to see you!

Kurt said...

Those sunglasses are extra fancy because they show off one eye but the other remains mysterious. I bet all those gawkers were just enchanted by your mysteriousness is all.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Great. Now I've just realized that my chocolatey face has been immortalized in some bank surveillance video.

And, hi Kurt! All these little photos are making me feel like the Brady Bunch.

Anna Russell said...

Damned blindies! It's a cinspiracy, I tells ya.

Cynthia said...

Did the sunglasses thing really happen to you this week? If it did, then you are my 'twin' that everybody always says we have out there somewhere. THAT is unbelievably bizarre!!!!! I just wrote a piece of Flash Fiction (only it should really be Flash NON-fiction) because it was TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't posted it to my blog, yet, b/c I thought i needed to send it in to Reader's Digest and get the $300. :^) :^) ;^) ;^) :^)
Anyway, in the meantime, until I DO post it, which I WILL, check out my most recent writings upon 'Chocolate'.
Loving the madness!
C ;^0