Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm naming my next dog "Hjuvik". Or maybe "Barnslig". Both are pretty.

Just as it's a bad idea to perform brain surgery while using crack, it's a bad idea to assemble IKEA shelves while high on cold medicine.

Which is why I delegated the pictogram deciphering to the Formerly Bearded One and his reluctant assistants. I figure it's the least they can do, considering it's their contagion, (which I have valiantly resisted for the last month while they all hacked and snorted), that has given me medicine head in the first place.

So while the rest of the United States was cheerily burning an assortment of meat products this weekend, I was mostly moaning. Sometimes sleeping. Sometimes dreaming/hallucinating that
I was swimming along the bottom of the ocean floor and chatting with fish, a direct result of my entirely plugged head.

I was relieved to escape the assembling job, it's true, although I love IKEA. I do. Who can resist a cavernous store that sells really cheap furniture, gives everything names like "Malm" and "Kvartal" and "Sultan", and also smells like Swedish meatballs? No one, that's who.

Plus we were desperately in need of some workable shelves for the living room, and the regular furniture stores in the area were no help. We have a fairly small house, not a McMansion, and all of the furniture stores around us only sell furniture for Henry VIII. It's all massive oak and mahogany sideboards, credenzas, refectory tables. Thrones. If a piece of furniture could support crown molding, it had it. I think even the Tuscan patio furniture had crown molding.

So it was IKEA to the rescue, with its six boxes of enigmatic wooden slabs and whimsical drawings and unusual hinges, all of which we lugged home last week and left lying on the floor in just the right spot to repeatedly trip over.

Finally the weekend arrived, and while I hallucinated upstairs, FBO began opening boxes.
Two days of power drilling and door adjustments and glue emergencies and cursing later, we had something resembling shelves. Here they are:

You can see the effects of my addled brain in the strange assortment of things I tossed inside, "just to see". I think the toaster may be in there somewhere.

So anyway, I still feel like I was beaten in my sleep by an angry chimp with a mallet, and everyone sounds like my imaginary fish-friends, so I may not be exactly coherent yet. Hopefully you'll all be here when my brain returns.

If not, at least I'll have plenty of time to depression-eat my way through all those frozen Swedish meatballs I bought.


@eloh said...

I think they are very nice, glass shelves keep the wall "open". No drunks allowed sign may be in order.

Sleeping through the set-up was a nice touch.

Allison said...

I find that I always manage to screw something up with my Ikea purchases even when I'm NOT on cold medicine.

Kez said...

Hope you feel better soon!
I love those shelves :)
My favourite shelvy cabinet thingy is similar and also from IKEA.
Yay for good taste, lady :)

Eric said...

Good work, I start every project with a nice round of cold medicine.

Jules said...

Those are pretty shelves! And I heart IKEA! I think half of my house is IKEA! Feel better!!!

Gaston Studio said...

IKEA is as little too modern for my personal taste, but that's a great looking shelving unit! Feel better.

Dominica said...

It looks fabulous !!
Those meatballs are the best and those are my MAIN reason to go to Ikea once and a while ...(I always bring home some extra stash of Kotbullar, that's how they are called and those Daim-cakes, know them ?? Aaahhh, daim-cake and the cookies covered with chocolate on the one side mmmmmm...
I had a friend (the one from the VW minivan, see latest post) that was addicted to daim-cake !! She really was !
But hey, I can believe when you came down from the Nyquil-darkroom, you felt right away better to discover that great piece of art hubby installed ...
I like it ! Well done, FBO !!

Logical Libby said...

I might try the cold medicine thing for my next Ikea project. It could stop me from almost killing my husband -- which is usually the outcome of any furniture assembly project.

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...


Jealous of the shelves and the hallucinating.

Kurt said...

I love Ikea. If all shopping experiences were that surreal I would definitely be trying harder to secure a steady income. Get better, my fish friend!

Cat said...

This reminds me of The Great IKEA Curtain Rod Debacle of 2008. So glad no one was maimed.

Please send meatballs.

That Baldy Fella said...

True fact - I share a birthday with Henry VIII. I also share a love of quaffing, heavy eating, owning a beard and starting my own churches. Maybe I should change my name to Henry.

erin said...

Barnslig...best baby boy name ever! It's a good thing I won't be having anymore children cause they might just blame you for coming up with their awesome name!

diane said...

I wonder how long it would take my grand daughter to break all of that glass?
Get well soon. xo

Maelstrom said...

I'm glad the rehoming of one of my chimps is working out for you.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm sorry you're sick but your Mr. Limpet hallucinations sound incredible. Did you meet Don Knotts?

I like how you said "using crack" instead of "smoking" or "high on". It makes crack sound like a hammer, or your noggin.

miss. chief said...

i am really missing out on the whole IKEA thing, i've never been.
it's a freaking ferry ride away, alright? i'm not jesus, i can't just walk there.
but anyway answer me this; are there really REALLY meatballs there? or was that just part of the hallucination?

Maelstrom said...

Mr Limpet. LOL, SMU is old.

Michelle said...

Cool! Very lovely shelves all modern looking and stuff!!

IKEA can be tricky though. You may want to make sure FBO used all or most of the nails that came with the shelves. You know there are almost always leftover things that should have been used right???


I hope you feel better very very very very soon!!

Miss Yvonne said...

We bought three bookshelves from IKEA and it took us a year to put them together. True story.

Feel better!

P.S. my word verification is "hommeteu" which would also make a great dog name.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Brilliant. Now I know why people write while on meds. This was a crack-up. Speaking of which, go do some of that crack and write something new.

msprimadonna67 said...

I love those shelves--they look great!

Margo said...

Hello, fellow fish friend. The shelves look great. I have a cold too... thanks for that chimp with a mallet visual - now I know exactly how I've felt all day. Ikea is a wonderful place. I went into labor with my first there!

Nej said...

I've always wanted to go to an IKEA, sadly there isn't one close to us...and to order online results in CRAZY shipping charges.

Love the shelves!!!!!!!!!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...


PS: Kiss my grits!!

Pearl said...

Lovely shelves!

I believe I may be one of the only people in the U.S. who has not been to Ikea. Not sure how I feel about that.

But @eloh is right: no drunken fighting in that room.

p.s. While I read almost every time you post, I can't always leave a comment -- the word verification doesn't show up. Drives me nuts!

giraffegirl524 said...

i just wanted to let you know that i'm still around, i still appreciate you!!!!

Vic said...

Yeah, the glass is going to keep things interesting around here.

Me too! Another good reason to hide out upstairs!

Thanks, Kez!

That's a good policy - you don't do anything better that way, but you feel fine about it.

Thanks! We are a little mini IKEA here too. :)

Gaston Studio,
My extended family would probably agree about the modern/traditional taste difference. :)

Thanks! I haven't heard of the daim -cake - I'm going to have to check that out next time I go there! (Does it have lingonberries on it? They have lots of that.)

Logical Libby,
Another good reason to have an excuse to be in another room. My husband is very slow,because he's a perfectionist. I just like to be done.

the D's DIL,
The hallucinations are just a bottle of Nyquil away!

Ikea is surreal. Thanks for the well wishes. :)

I remember the curtain rod incident well! Meatballs on the way.

I share a birthday with John Lithgow. Somehow it's not the same. Have you been photographed with a mutton leg yet? Hey, maybe your new profile picture?

You are a woman after my own heart. Barnslig (wonder if that actually means anything?) just flows off the tongue, doesn't it?

Not long,I'm sure. Tell me if you're bringing her to my house, and we'll tape off the book shelves. :)

Can I have your address again? You know, for the court summons. :)

I'm not so up on the druggy street lingo...Mr. Limpet is, though. Tonight I'm going to ask him about how to say you're utilizing heroin, only the right way.

Ikea is totally worth a ferry ride, at least once. And the meatballs are real, my friend, very, very real. With gravy.

Thanks, Michelle! I looked for leftover bits, and only found one bolt, which might be from another project. We'll find out eventually, right?

Miss Yvonne,
I totally believe you. The boxes alone are intimidating. Then when you break out the picture instructions, it induces a nap reflex.

Wow, TWA,
Thanks! (I think :) Do you think they sell crack at the grocery store? I'm going to go ask.

Thanks! (Are you almost out of school too? Have your seniors begun the operatic whining yet? Just checking.)

You went into labor there? Was it a good memory? Did you get to ride through the store on a big flat cart? I would have!
Sorry about your cold- we'll have to share hallucination stories later.

Thanks! Sorry you're not close - Ikea is an interesting experience. I made my hall lamp out of stuff I found there.:)

Thanks, Pearl! We need to talk the Ikea people into building a store near you!
Sorry about the verification problem - I've had that happen to me on other blog sites. I just hit return without it, and then one pops up.
Either way, I'm glad you're around. I read all your posts too, even if I don't always manage to comment.

So glad to see you! How's the baby? I appreciate you too. :)

Lulu said...

I think I'm on your coast, and MFT and I have drunk/eaten/read/pictured/beached/drunk/drunk/schlepped and shopped our way up and down the central coast so HEY! Let us come over and fill the shelves for you with random stuff!

Jocelyn said...

I am SOOO your sister in IKEA love. I would get naked and roll around in those meatballs...while admiring your new shelving. LOVELY.

Now you've made me want to "get a cold" the next time something needs to be put together.

Parklife Penny said...

Your blog is only the fabbest thing since comfy pants. "Barnslig" means childish, so not too unsuitable for a canine.