"Fear the Eye!"
(text/picture message my husband sent me at work, and also to my daughter at school. We have excellent parenting skills.)
I don't know what that means. Personally I think this eye is way less terrifying than the pre-eyedrop eye I lived with all weekend.
The dog is over his bulimia. I took the weight control dog food back and the girl at the store said "Oh yeah, lots of dogs throw up with this kind." She said it all cheery, like "Hooray! That weight control stuff really works!" I punched her and got my money back. I had to. Dogs, like birds, don't have fists, which is why they don't appear on the boxing circuit.
I did once see a kangaroo in a boxing ring at Circus Circus in Reno. It was wearing little boxing gloves, but that was a total lie too, because he never threw any good punches with those little arms. He did smack the bejesus out of his opponent, a sad little man in satin boxing panties, but the kangaroo used his legs to kick him down, which is not fair, but hey, go with your strengths.
While I was at the pet store returning the food I spent some time in a staring contest with a macaw who was hanging upside down in his cage. We locked eyes for a whole two minutes, and then the macaw suddenly starting screaming liked I'd stabbed it in the heart (sore loser!), so I quick went around the other side of the cage before the manager got there.
There were finches and canaries on the other side. They reminded me about the man they arrested at LAX this week with songbirds in his pants. Fourteen. I looked at the canaries and tried to picture stuffing fourteen of them down my pants. You'd have to have big pants, for starters. So no skinny leg jeans for bird smugglers. Yoga pants would be loose enough, but they can highlight cellulite, so imagine the saddlebags you'd get with whole birds in there. Cargo pants?
I went just now to find that story again, and they have a picture of the songbird man:
Like that macaw, for example. Keeping him quiet in your pants would make you the Grand Champion of bird smugglers.
I have no idea what I'm talking about. But now I'm thinking about the whole animal-smuggling thing. I read once about a lady who hid tropical fish in her skirt. The "flipping sound" gave her away.
What else could you smuggle? Carpenter ants in your hat? I might try that one. A ten-gallon hat full of ants with teeth. Would you buy some if I could get them to you?