Tuesday, May 12, 2009

This Post Makes No Sense. Just Pretend You're Hallucinating.


"Fear the Eye!"

(text/picture message my husband sent me at work, and also to my daughter at school. We have excellent parenting skills.)

I don't know what that means. Personally I think this eye is way less terrifying than the pre-eyedrop eye I lived with all weekend.

The dog is over his bulimia. I took the weight control dog food back and the girl at the store said "Oh yeah, lots of dogs throw up with this kind." She said it all cheery, like "Hooray! That weight control stuff really works!" I punched her and got my money back. I had to. Dogs, like birds, don't have fists, which is why they don't appear on the boxing circuit.

I did once see a kangaroo in a boxing ring at Circus Circus in Reno. It was wearing little boxing gloves, but that was a total lie too, because he never threw any good punches with those little arms. He did smack the bejesus out of his opponent, a sad little man in satin boxing panties, but the kangaroo used his legs to kick him down, which is not fair, but hey, go with your strengths.

While I was at the pet store returning the food I spent some time in a staring contest with a macaw who was hanging upside down in his cage. We locked eyes for a whole two minutes, and then the macaw suddenly starting screaming liked I'd stabbed it in the heart (sore loser!), so I quick went around the other side of the cage before the manager got there.

There were finches and canaries on the other side. They reminded me about the man they arrested at LAX this week with songbirds in his pants. Fourteen. I looked at the canaries and tried to picture stuffing fourteen of them down my pants. You'd have to have big pants, for starters. So no skinny leg jeans for bird smugglers. Yoga pants would be loose enough, but they can highlight cellulite, so imagine the saddlebags you'd get with whole birds in there. Cargo pants?

I went just now to find that story again, and they have a picture of the songbird man:

That's not how I pictured it at all. Those birds are stoned, clearly, because I'd be pretty agitated if someone pinned me to their socks, and look how calm they are. That's cheating, in my book. If you're going to hide birds in your pants, at least make it a challenge.

Like that macaw, for example. Keeping him quiet in your pants would make you the Grand Champion of bird smugglers.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. But now I'm thinking about the whole animal-smuggling thing. I read once about a lady who hid tropical fish in her skirt. The "flipping sound" gave her away.

What else could you smuggle? Carpenter ants in your hat? I might try that one. A ten-gallon hat full of ants with teeth. Would you buy some if I could get them to you?

22 comments:

tracy said...

Now that was the funniest damn thing I read all day....

Miss Yvonne said...

Tee hee...boxing panties!

TMWW said...

LOL, I agree with Tracy. That's the funniest read so far today! Thanks for sharing it...

Happy to be hallucinating in Virginia

erin said...

Freaking genius idea! I never thought of it that way. I HAVE to get Rose (my eight year old) a cell phone today so I can text her all day long...

C.B. Jones said...

The spirit of Random Tuesday is strong in this post.

msprimadonna67 said...

I have to admit, I spent a little time trying to picture the logistics of the whole 14-bird smuggling thing when I first read the article last week. Thanks for the visual. Now I know.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I bet smugglers were pretty bummed when M.C. Hammer became not cool anymore, cause you know, cause of the pants.

Just kidding, I know he's still cool.

Just kidding, I know he was never cool.

Vic. What's cool now? I'm old. I don't even know. I give up.

*roger rabbits out of the room*

Nej said...

I managed a grocery store through college and a few years after (8 years total). We caught one guy stuffing steaks down his pants. He'd done it once before, but no one saw it...we just know there were quite a few less New York strips after he left.

The next time he came in, we watched him from around the corner.

It was hard taking those things back from him. I mean, we were just going to throw them away...no way I'd sell something that had been down his pants. Even if they were in plastic...no way!!!! :-)

Carolyn...Online said...

Why. Why would this man smuggle song birds on his socks? I guess I could go read the story but alas I'm too lazy. And how did he keep them quiet? Huh. Curious but still not hitting the link. I will not be roped into this man's depraved smuggling operation. Plus there's the lazy thing.

Peggy said...

How do you get a canary stoned? Little canary bongs?

Peggy said...

Oh I think I just came up with your next blog topic...stoner canaries. Sitting around watching Baretta and shootin the shit...

DouglasDyer said...

I'm trying real hard not to make a crack about smuggling a python in my pants. So far so good but I'm not making any promises.

whatan@hole said...

I've looked at that eye for a good bit. Actually a good picture in an artsy way. Ya know, it never had occurred to me before that you could send someone a "stink eye" by way of a cell phone.

Some days, things happen that just open the world up to new experiences. Thanks.

The Jules said...

I keep forgetting to translate your strange colonial colloquialisms, and I'm totally getting an image of a bloke stuffing birds in his skids.

Nothing wrong with keeping critters in your trousers. Here in the U of K we've been storing ferrets in ours for years.

Vic said...

Tracy,
Thanks! (I liked your recipe - if I could cook without needing a fire extinguisher I'd try it. )

Miss Yvonne,
They were so dainty!

TMWW,
Thanks! I hear hallucinating's best in Virgina...

erin,
I know! Especially when they get noticed by their teacher and the phone taken away, and then they have to say, "My dad sent me his eyeball...."

C.B. Jones,
Did you put ",Grasshoppah" at the end of that sentence, in your head? I totally did. :)

msprimadonna67,
Somehow I was disappointed by the socks. I picture them lined up along the outside of his legs, like tassels.

Steamy,
MC Hammer is not cool. Arsenio Hall is not cool. Oddly, Weird Al is.
Lesson two tomorrow.

Nej,
Please tell me that's not what that cart is in the grocery store with all the marked down stuff.
Is that meat that's been in someone's underwear??

Carolyn,
Having birds strapped to his legs makes him feel like he can fly. He keeps them quiet by sitting on tall chairs and swinging his legs gently to simulate a tree in the wind. I'm making this all up.

Peggy,
Either that or throw pebbles at it. (sorry)

I'm going to have to do some musing about the stoner canary post (the word 'musing' is for miss. chief, if she's here, because she loves it so much)

DouglasDyer,
What? I was counting on you to make the python joke! Don't let me down man.

whatan@hole,
That's SO much easier to type! It's amazing!
I'm just hoping he stops at eyeball pictures. Who knows what body part is next?

The Jules,
I'm pretty sure people have stuffed birds there too.
Do the ferrets serve the same purpose as gerbils?

HumorSmith said...

You could smuggle birds in your pants if they were the right color, say, canary yellow. I know, that was pretty hard to swallow. I shouldn't beat a dead hose like this, but I couldn't whippoorwill.

"eyell"? Vic, are you bribing the word authentication people?

Margo said...

Did you know if you're over 18 you can have a pit viper shipped directly to you? You have to pick the box up at the airport.

Lana said...

oh man, when i saw mr birdpants i felt a rush of relief. i feel so much better knowing that no matter how rough my day is, i'll never have to show someone that yes, i am hiding birds in my pants.

Fragrant Liar said...

That's definitely a Stink Eye if I ever saw one. Actually, I've never seen one, but it looks like what I think a Stink Eye would look like if I were to see one.

Kurt said...

I think the it would be harder to smuggle fish because of all the sloshing and if you had a blowfish it would get upset and inflate and it would look like you were smuggling dog toys. And I almost said "dog balls" but I didn't because I'm super-classy.

Eric said...

Hmmm, the eye is too nice, maybe the 'Eye of Sauron' will keep the kids better in line?

Nej said...

Vic, it wasn't in my store...so I'm going to pretend that it isn't anywhere else. (hehe)