Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Once he chewed a brick of cheese, but cheddar doesn’t have a little face, so this is better.

The dog did this.


I’m not sure what exactly this guy was before he became a canine taste sensation, but now he’s a metaphor. I am the little bendy baseball-head man, gnawed upon by the surly teeth of daily life, and abandoned in a saliva-coated stupor. The eyes are wary, the hands (powerless without opposable thumbs), outstretched in vain surrender, and the wardrobe is a colorless too-small unitard. And yet, the suggestion of a smile remains.

Because today I am free from other people’s teenagers! At least until August.

Also, I have a brilliantly red candied apple sitting in my refrigerator, a “gift” from my youngest after his all-day trip to Knott’s Berry Farm yesterday. It smells like a giant radioactive Red Hot.

“I bought this for you,” he says, handing me the candied apple wrapped in cellophane. “Here, hold it like this.” He takes the stick out of my hand and rotates the apple slightly.

I take a look around the back side of the apple, and sure enough, there’s a bite taken out of it, the cellophane sucked into the small cavity and glued to small teeth marks with sticky red syrup.

“Oh that! They sell them that way,” he says. “I got it because you are so nice to me!” He opens his eyes wide in sincerity.

“Don’t like cinnamon?” I say.


I think that maybe I will feed the dog the candied apple, and then when the red sticky part coats his snout like poorly-applied lipstick, I will take his picture and maybe post it here with a witty caption about Courtney Love and lip waxing.

Or not.


Jules said...

Aw! At least he thought of you once he took a bite out of it and decided he didn't like it. That's sweet!!!

Kurt said...

I think the SPCA should consider candy apple lipstick when they make those promo posters showing dogs in the pound. Voila! Less Depressing!

Lulu said...

I love those sincere looks and earnest comments ending in a questioning tone.....check out my blog today for a post on the wisdom of little guys - and a 128th post - you're in it!

Cora said...

He took a bite out of the apple before giving it to you? Well, at least you know it's not poisoned I guess.

Cora said...

Hey! Your blog agrees withme too. My wv: "deadi" See? It could be worse!


Gaston Studio said...

LOL, I love that he took a bite out of the candy apple before giving it to you!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If you do that, just remember that a dog's digestive track doesn't break down the red dye they use to color the cinnamon glaze.

DouglasDyer said...

Your son or the cellophane - hard to tell which was more transparent. At least you got most of an apple.

msprimadonna67 said...

LOVE the candied apple story! I am familiar with the second hand treat gifts. My children have giving hearts like that, too: )

diane said...

First of all, if you are really feeling like that dog toy, then you need a vacation BAD. I hope you have a good one.
I love little kids, even when they lie. They're cute and hilarious.
Please don't give you doggie that apple, nuff said.
Did you read about Courtney Love asking her "waxer" to wax off the hairs around her a-hole? It was in one of the tabloids. Who in their right mind would ever ask someone to do that? And shame on that "waxer" for leaking the story, is nothing sacred?

Miss Yvonne said...

Your kid should get an award for thinking of you whilst he's on an awesome field trip.

Did you see how I used the word "whilst"? That's pretty awesome, right? Look at me, I'm British. Did I even spell it right?

I have no idea what I'm typing. Honestly, I'm just tap tap tap randomly like a monkey today.

Larew said...

I think the little bendy baseball man would look really sharp if you dipped him in boiling, liquified, radioactive red-hots.

Cat Lady

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I would have gone with the ol' taste test for poison excuse. It's more heroic.

C.B. Jones said...

You don't have the guts to follow through on such a great idea.

**likes to instigate things for the sake of comedy**

LiLu said...

At least walking him would be more interesting... CANDY POO!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Sharing is a good thing!
Just stopped by from Lulu's Sandbar to say hi. Nice to met you!

@eloh said...

Well, "Ball Head Man" looks like he basically survived the encounter.

I find this unusual, he must have a nasty orange cream filling.

Margo said...

I've got to stop spending so much time reading your comments - I should try to get in earlier in the day. All I can now remember to say is - your son (?) sounds adorable but I'm glad you didn't feed that to your dog and I learned more about Courtney Love than I ever wanted to. Happy summer :)

diane said...

@Yvonne: You totally crack me up!

Vic said...

He is a sweet kid. Mostly. :)

It's like "Pretty Baby", only with dogs!

Thanks for the mention on your blog today, Lulu! I think you're awesome.

I'm definitely not "deadi". :) (But I didn't eat any of the apple, either...)

Gaston Studio,
I like how he tried to pass it off as normal...

the iND mj,
I'm pretty much all talk there - the dog only gets lurid red syrup mixed in with his kibble...

So true - and so well-put. :)

He could have put it in the trash, right??

Ew...Courtney worries me. I don't like picturing her newly hairless bits..

Yes, I really do feel a little chewed up and spit out. But at least my head is not perfectly round.

miss yvonne,
You're such a cute little monkey!!
(You're hilarious.)

In-ter-esting....poor little guy doesn't know what's in store...

I'm willing to bet next time he will. He's a quick study.

C.B. Jones,
Do you double-dog dare me???

So festive! And so sticky!! (Poor dog.)

Thanks for coming by! Nice to meet you too. :)

I think the dog got distracted. It's the only logical explanation. *checking for cream filling*

Happy summer to you too! I just keep the boy around for comic relief. (Also because he's got a good heart. )

Michelle said...

He is a very sweet kid. Mostly because your a sweet grown up!!!

Eat the candy apple in front of your kid or better yet, share it with him!!!

I'm Nate's Mom said...

That's assuming your dog would actually lick the candy-coating off the apple, and not just swallow the thing whole, like my dog would.

Carolyn...Online said...

Why are they always handing us the crap they decide they didn't want and then act like it was a gift?

The Jules said...

Aw how nice.

I remember buying my Mum my favourite sweets.

I was thoughtful like that.

Nikki said...

I left you a sexy award on my page!

I love half chewed toys! They are so fun to play with!

Harna said...

You're such a mom. ; )

Eric said...

The dog will have no trouble with the apple if bendy baseball man is any indication.

mo.stoneskin said...

You're kidding me, the little bendy baseball-head man that struts down my street every day is you? Crumbs above.

Fragrant Liar said...

The canine taste sensation looks more like a crash test dummy. But I'm betting your son took the bite out of his head, and not the dog. I know, it's more convenient and PC to blame it on the dog, but really, we're your bloggy buddies. Tell the truth. Your son did it with his canines, right?

Anna Russell said...

Ooh, ooh! The dog ate your coursework! (sorry, I tried).

Word verification: fruck *giggles*

Pearl said...

Aww! A true little-boy story. :-)

Love the Courtney Love comparison, by the way.


Maggie May said...

i'm feeling guilty about my dogs. they need chewy things.