Saturday, August 08, 2009

Check Surroundings For Safety

I know you think I’m probably dead, because anytime someone inexplicably disappears that’s the logical, go-to explanation.  I’ve been gone from Blogtopia since last Wednesday, which might be the longest time ever for me, and I’m pretty sure some of you have already forgotten I exist been searching the local hospitals and obituaries.

The Taiwanese porn link that was waiting for me here when I got back was a nice “welcome back”, I have to say. I’m not clicking the link, because I don’t want unsightly lesions, or burning of the retinas, or whatever, but it’s good to know I’m making new, international friends and it’s not all grim news in the world of foreign relations.

Anyway.  Remember how I was on the Grisworld family vacation, and  when I last reported I was being violated by my mother’s poodle?

Well, I’m home now.  There was more stuff that happened, mostly involving additional freak injuries.  For instance:


1.) My daughter was stung by a yellow jacket on the hand while we were visiting my Squirrel n’ Dumplin’s Grandma. The hand promptly  inflated like a huge hand-balloon and stayed that way for the rest of the trip, all burning and swell-y, but providing hours of entertainment for the rest of us. We coated the Gargantu-Hand in baking soda paste, which drew out some yellow stuff and also made it look like a kindergarten paper-mache project, but still the hand didn’t deflate until well after Sacramento.

2.) While riding dirt bikes with his cousin, my son accidentally mistook the house’s partially-buried water line for an awesome bike jump and rode over it at a high rate of speed, thus severing the line and ending all hope of showers, flushing toilets, and pitchers of ice tea for everyone.  He also drove straight into a hidden concrete block.  The impact caused the handlebar of the bike to slam into his chest, leaving an angry-looking punch mark directly over his heart; this called to mind the story a teacher-friend of mine used to tell about a boy in her classroom who playfully hit another boy in the chest, accidentally stopping his heart and causing him to drop dead right there next to her desk. 

We broke out the bag balm and I tried not to squeeze him.

3.) While at the in-law’s 50th wedding anniversary party, my husband hit me in the head with the car.  Well, part of the car, specifically the hatchback door, which he held half-way open at the exact same level as my forehead. He claims he had a good reason, but probably this was on purpose. My forehead made contact with the open car door as I was carrying a bunch of helium balloons (none shaped like hands) in such a way that my vision was obscured right up unto the moment of contact with the car.  My head made a hollow thunk sound, and a goose egg appeared.  It felt like a serious injury, but the goose egg never developed the altitude and girth necessary for maximum sympathy, so I covered it up reluctantly with my bangs and went back to the party. Later, we broke out the bag balm.

We managed to leave town before any comas or amputations occurred, and the drive home was mostly torturously boring. Highlights of the drive home include stopping for gas on “Jibboom St.”,

  jibboom

and being shoved in the bathroom at a truck stop in Coalinga by a Spanish-speaking woman. She was wielding a baby like a shield with one hand and shoving me with the other. It seems she was in a hurry for the soap dispenser, so I totally deserved it for standing in the way of good hygiene.

Finally we were home, and then it was a house full of unpacked suitcases and madness. Also school starts here in two days, which means instead of reading blogs, I’ve been buying school supplies, and writing class syllabi, and thinking unkind thoughts about Governor Schwarzenegger, and buying three fifteen-foot palm trees for the patio outside my classroom. ( Yes, my classroom has a patio. And sliding-glass doors. Yes, it’s a little weird.)

We bought palm trees for the patio because it’s ugly without decorations, and I already killed last year’s plants. We had to lay the palm trees down inside the car and let them hang out the back about eight feet. They brushed the road all the way to the school, and now the car smells like manure. Here is what it looked like through the back-up camera:

check surroundings for safety

I have to go to bed now.  I promise to come by your blogs this weekend, and do some atonement commenting, if you’ll still have me. 

Next time remind me to tell you about the bearded lady at Back to School Night. There was razor stubble.  But that’s not all.

30 comments:

Little Ms Blogger said...

I imagine your family's health insurance company gets a good workout from the claims your family submits?

Jules said...

That teacher was lying about the kid dying next to her desk right?

And I'd LOVE to have a patio. I'd give myself time-outs all of the time and just go sit on my patio next to my palm trees......

I'm so sad school is starting......

Mr. Condescending said...

I think school starts in september after labor day here in ny. That sucks you have to start now!

I can't believe that beast shoved you in the bathroom. I want to hear more about stubbleface!

erin said...

No school here for three more weeks! Yay!!!

Oh, that wasn't meant to be a run it in your face little dancey dance.

And I did miss you! In a weird blog world way...I'm glad that you had such an uneventful vacation. And that the bag balm came in handy?

LiLu said...

But that's not all?

I'm guessing you're talking about a bulge... and I don't mean an Adam's apple.

Nanodance said...

Welcome back. I did miss you and I was worried- I put up a few lost posters and everything, but then I got hungry and went inside to eat and sort of forgot you were missing.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh man. I can't wait to have kids.

; )

CatLadyLarew said...

Zounds! Grab the bag balm! (I wonder what it would do for insect bites.) This sounds like one of my vacations. Welcome back for your last two days of sanity... then, let the games begin! Can't wait to hear about the bearded lady.

chupacabra said...

In honor of your giving me my first- and very good morning laugh I will try to incorporate the word "Jibboom" into my converstions at least 3 times at my nephews birthday this afternoon.

miss. chief said...

ehhhh...patio? school in august?

i'm so confused!

Cora said...

Wow. You guys go back to school early. My kid doesn't go back until Sept. 2nd. Thus we shall party on a few more weeks.

Or sleep in and watch tv.

Whatever.

C.B. Jones said...

moral to the story: never leave the house. outside is uber dangerous.

*falls out of chair, cracks his head against desk and bleeds all over the newly cleaned floor.*

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

But that's not all? You are a pro, Vic.

I KEEP LAUGHING AT THAT SHOT OF YOUR BACK UP SCREEN. Ok, I hit caps. Now everyone knows I watch my fingers, not the screen, when I type. How embarrassing. If only there was some way to fix it.

diane said...

Doesn't that back-up camera have a color adjust knob? It's all purple and chartreuse.
Good luck with the back to school thing. Here ya go, s's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's'.
There, that should hold you for a while. xo

@eloh said...

You are the third one in the blogs I read that got hit, I assume in the comments section with the Taiwanese porn.

I was one, my daughter told me I should feel very proud as they usually don't bother with the crappy little sites like mine...

Mandy wrote a post and must have excellent security on her computer cause it sounded like she opened and peeked. hahaha

Vic said...

Little Miss B,
We're a surprisingly healthy bunch when at home. Traveling seems to highlight our lack of coordination.

Jules,
No, it really happened. It was two twelve year old boys, horseplaying. A (un)lucky shot, and he was dead on the floor.
I'm sad school's starting too. It's ridiculously early..

Mr. Condescending,
They just moved it forward (again) here, meaning we lost two weeks of summer this year.
I know! Like you need to be in a hurry in Coalinga. Where do you need to go? Back to the stockyards?

erin,
Thanks for missing me! It's okay - I'd be a little gloatey too, if I was still on summer break. Of course, my school year will be out the third week of May this year, so that's the good part.

Lilu,
No previews!! (I did look for a bulge though...not telling what I found. Yet. :)

Nanodance,
I understand. Thanks for trying though. Did you have Captain Crunch? Cause the noise they make when you're eating always drives all other thoughts from my head...

Soda and Candy,
They are a party all day long. Especially once they hit puberty. :)

CatLadyL,
Good to see! I love that bag balm now -- I wonder if I could invest in the company, seeing as my family is currently boosting its numbers?....

chupacabra,
I'm honored to be your first laugh - I require a report of the success of "Jibboom" at the party, however. I think maybe together you and I can change the slang of tomorrow's teenagers!

miss.chief,
I know. Me too. Especially the school in August part. It feels fundamentally wrong to me.

Cora,
Party on, Ted!! I shall live vicariously through you. :)

C.B. Jones,
Quick, put some bag balm on that injury!
Do you think we should invest in helmets? You know, just for when we leave the house?

Steamy,
The only way to fix the "watching your fingers" problems is to glue a piece of paper to your keyboard, just on one side, so you can slip your hands underneath and hide them from your eyes.
No way to fix the all-caps once they're on the screen though. Sorry.

(My backup camera mocks me.)

diane,
Thanks for the possessives! I like the screen all purply...it looks like there's a storm abrewin' all the time!

@eloh,
Has Mandy been tested since opening the link? I need to go over and check on her! (And find out what was there.) I didn't know foreign porn links were an honor. I feel so undeserving.
Congratulations to you, too! :)

Fragrant Liar said...

HAHA! Bag balm.

Sorry you have to go back to school. But I've been working the whole time you were summer lollygagging, so it's really a sort of untruth that I feel bad for you. But then again you are going to be stuck with all those "other people's children" in a confined space. So I guess I can be sorry you have to go back. Oh, and you get palm trees on the patio outside your classroom? I don't have a patio where I work. I have mixed feelings about this, you know?

Pearl said...

All is forgiven when you write like that. And when you promise to write more on the woman with the -- beard, did you say? There's a woman on my busline who has a full black moustache. It's true. I think about it often, and I'm not proud of it...
Pearl

The Jules said...

We'll let you off your recent slackeration. Just do two hundred lines.

Then you'll be manic enough to do lots of posts!

Harna said...

Holy hell that's a shitload of accident proneness...it's a good thing I didn't go with you on your vaca.

Margo said...

I declare your whole family done with the troubles for the next several years. Glad you're back!

Carolyn...Online said...

Oh man... That sounds like a fantastic get-away. And by fantastic I mean potentially shitty with a trip to the ER.

Scrappy Doo said...

Thank God you and yours survived!
You have angels watching over yall

Have a happy and safe school year!

Scrappy

Mr. Charleston said...

Sounds like a good time was had by all. After all, what's a trip to grandma's if you don't come back with some bumps and bruises and a few good stories?
I remember when the whole nation used to start school the day after labor day. Labor Day was a national holiday designed to extend the August vacation by one more day. Another tradition destroyed by the damned bureaucracy.

Kurt said...

"Porn links" sounds like the best breakfast cereal ever if you ask me.

Blonde Goddess said...

Bag balm is the bomb!

Your visits to the family sound a lot like mine...except we slather the stings with mud...not baking soda.

JennyMac said...

Bag balm? Love that story. I don't have quite the zany adventures with my family but am cracking up about this...

and school started this week in Atlanta..luckily its still 900 degrees out so the feel of summer has certainly not left.

Hope the school year is great.

The Peach Tart said...

What an action packed trip with only 2 days to recover before school starts.

Girl Interrupted said...

Sometimes I feel bad for finding so much amusement in your family's misfortunes ... but then you go and get hit in the head with the car and/or mention Bag Balm (which I haven't a clue as to what it actually is) and I'm cackling my way through breakfast again. Sorry :)

Jocelyn said...

What? No one blew out your husband's eye in a freak pressure cooker accident? What kind of vacation is that?

See, I don't have bangs for a reason: maximum sympathy, when everyone has to look at my goose eggs, all the time.

Jibboom St is going to be the name of my next blog.