Monday, August 24, 2009

Don’t even get Quasimodo STARTED on her powdered-cheese analogy.

I’m not really an anxious person.

It’s just that sometimes there are worries. They like to swim to the surface of my brain when I am trying to be busy, like Kraft macaroni in a pot of boiling water. Bloop. Bloop.


I try to push them down with my metaphorical wooden spoon, but anyone knows they just come right back up, and the longer you keep pushing them down, the slimier they get anyway.

My metaphorical noodles of worry, that is.

So, sometimes I just need to fish the little buggers out and line them up on the counter for inspection, and also list them here for you, because what else do you have to do?

My most long-suffering of blog friends know I used to worry sometimes that Carrot Top would somehow weasel his way into the capitol building in Sacramento, but now I don’t even worry about that at all, because CT is much buffer than Arnold these days, and also has a scarier face, so that has to be a good quality for wrestling the budget, and also senators. I think that Carrot Top would like to wrestle senators.

Here’s what I DO worry about, just a little bit, but not in a compulsive or neurotic way, just the normal way of forgetting a little bit to sleep at night while thinking about these things:

1. Why do all of my left shoes suddenly feel loose? What’s up with my feet? The right shoes all fit normally, but I’ve been noticing how I have to grip on super-tight with my left toes, just to keep the shoe attached. Also I have had to adopt a special shoe-retaining walk that involves dragging my left foot (which is bunched up in my shoe due to all the toe-clenching) along the ground while simultaneously sliding my foot forward IN the shoe during the forward thrust. Sometimes this results in accidental shoe launching.

I think that maybe next my left sleeves will get all loose, and that will be proof that I had a stealth-stroke and missed the memo, and now my left side is slowly atrophying.

You have to admit that’s a pretty good worry.

2. Maybe my dog will explode. Not like cartoon dogs, where someone packed all the orifices with sticks of lit dynamite and then the eyes bulge out comically, but more internally, like maybe if I sleep in on Sunday and forget to let him out for oh, say, six extra hours in the morning. And he’s polite, so no mess, but he’s cross-legged by the door, and I’m pretty sure I can see his bladder throbbing though his fur.

Also, for those of you have been sad about my dog’s sprout subsiding, thereby ending the regular updates of Sprout Watch, he now has a mysteriously bulbous right haunch. From behind he looks like he’s got a wallet in his hairy hip pocket.

The vet says an occasional bulbous haunch is nothing to worry about. Let’s see if he still says that when my dog explodes.

3. Can fungus eat your house? I’m pretty sure it can. Especially the kind that erupts from out of the ground in your yard, and is probably pushing up the foundation of your house at this very moment. It’s like an alien army of dinner rolls is invading from below. Dinner rolls with tentacles that reach deep into the ground, probably almost to the mother ship at the core of the earth.

Here is one. There are lots of them. This is not a rock. It is in my yard right now.


I worry they are sentient fungi, and if we talk too loud they will hear us and try to come inside. Or the dog will pop one with his foot and carry powdery spores back inside the house, thereby killing all of us slowly and painfully.

Maybe that’s what’s been happening. Maybe the powdery spore poisoning causes bulbous haunches and shrunken left appendages. Or, or! Maybe the dog’s haunch only LOOKS bulbous because his left side is atrophying too…

This is bad.

This has not been at all comforting. I don’t know why you told me it would be.

I’m pretty sure you said that.

Next time I’m leaving the damn noodles in the pot.


@eloh said...

There is something very sinister about that thing in your yard. It appears to be a detached butt, and not a very healthy one.

I have heard of people losing their @ss, but how did it wind up in front of your house.

This is the first drive-by @ssing that I have ever seen.

Jules said...

I'd be kind of worried about Carrot Top too. What's up with his face???

And the fungus thing.... that's just weird. I'm not sure it can swallow UP your house or anything like aliens....but you should have your dog pee on all of it just to be sure.

Kurt said...

I think all dogs should look like they carry wallets. No one gives dogs their proper respect. If we all thought there was a chance they might tip us after a dog walk maybe that would change.

Gaston Studio said...

I have those same fungi in my yard and they are really tough to destroy...kind of hard, like rocks.

My daughter's dog also carries a hairy wallet in her back pocket; the vet said not to worry too, but it seems like it's growing of late and I'm fairly certain it's not money in there.

diane said...

Dogs are sympathetic creatures, and will try to absorb the pain of their masters. I think your dog has started to absorb the left side of your body into his *ss.
Your alien thing looks like it's about to split into two. I'd check on that to see if it has split into four or more by now. If they start to take the shape of your dog, don't let him fall asleep.
I'm craving pasta now, I don't know why.
(There's an award for you over at my place) xo

Kurt's comment is genius.

erin said...

Fungus does kind of scare me. When I was buying my first house this inspector guy told me horror upon horror story about mold. It's now my worst fear.

I have no advice about the other things. Pot?

expateek said...

Love the new header. It adds visually to the surreal quality of a blog post about dog hips, left shoes, and fungi.

Well done! Now you need to explain the header's symbolism. Perhaps better left for another day...

Soda and Candy said...

Ayah, scary fungus!!!

My worries are more like moths around a bright light, they keep banging around & fluttering when I'm trying to sleep!

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm pretty sure you really should be worried about all of those things.

And Scott told me he watched a thing about an exploding sperm whale the other night. For real. Blew up all over Singapore. Blood and guts everywhere. That's kind of an aside...

C.B. Jones said...

your paranoia is refreshing. I often say people don't worry nearly enough as they should.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I so enjoyed this post that I rocked back and forth giggling and twiddling my fingers as I read it a couple of hours ago. Then I went to the drug store, and sitting in the parking lot in my car, I said out loud, "The cheese is the Prozac." Pulling out of the lot a few minutes later, I said, "It could also be the denial I guess, right Vic?"

I'm going to get your dog one of those wallet chains, to make his meaty leg look legit. I will then buy myself a wallet chain for both of my thighs to do the same. And one for each upper arm.

miss. chief said...

i like your new header. it's fancy.

don't worry about the shoe thing, you just have small foot syndrome. it's not fatal or anything unless you eat that mushroom.

p.s. your dog is obviously a pick pocket

p.p.s. the word verification is "under" which is practically the same as "underwear" which is awesome

Margo said...

Next time just throw the pasta at the ceiling and see if it sticks. This post kinda reminds of "Aliens". PS - Love the new header - very Edger Allen Poe goes to Disneyland.

Miss Yvonne said...

I once thought my husband was growing a hairy hip wallet, but he was all "It's not a wallet and that's not my hip". Hey-yoooo!

Vic said...

I think that's just how the aliens are climbing out of the ground. It's very decorative.

I think Carrot Top is really a claymation puppet now, just like Conan O'Brien.

That is an Excellent point. Except my dog would carry jerky in his wallet, and that doesn't inspire the same respect as cold hard cash.

Gaston Studio,
The fungi creeps me out! I'm sorry to hear it's erupting other places.

Did your daughter's dog recently have a rabies shot?

My dog IS pretty much a carer. Nice he'd get all lumpy, just to keep me company...:)
Thanks for the award!! I'll go check it out. (You are too kind to me.:)

Smoke pot? Or pot as the cause of the weirdness worries? Hmm.

So if I lick that dinner roll thing, do you think they'd give me my own Jackass-style show?

Thanks! Explain the symbolism you say?? Hmmmmm. That's going to take some thought. And some self-awareness, always in short supply around here...

Soda and Candy,
Moths are much better - protein instead of carbs; always a healthier choice.

An exploding WHALE?? Man I'm glad I live a little inland. Except I saw a picture of a bus on the internet the other day. The tire had exploded into the cab, which killed the poor guy sitting in the seat directly over it.

What's with all the exploding?

C.B. Jones,
That's why I'm doing my best to fill that void. It's for America, really.

Were you doing kitty hands? Or did you mean twiddling your thumbs, which would indicate subconscious boredom...?

Sometimes the cheese is just the cheese. But in this case, it's also mold spores, and Coty transparent powder, which represents my fear of death.

(The chains are still making me laugh.)

Small-foot syndrome. Check. Damn, another thing I have to google now.

My dog has never been into petty pickpocketing before. Mostly he goes for the big heists, like full blocks of cheddar.

I forgot the raven!! Looks like it's back to the drawing board.

Miss Yvonne,
Didn't you used to come on right after Rodney Dangerfield? You used a cigar as a prop, right? :)
(Lucky you, in that case, about the bulbousness...)

Dominica said...

What's with the loose shoe ??
As long as the fungus is outside your worries ! It's when they appear on your walls or ceiling you really need to start worrying !
Poor dog !
Looks like he won the bumps & humps-lottery !

Lydia Dustin said...

You are kinda crazy...I love that about you. We'll out number the sane ones and take over.

I am always afriad that when I press my key fob that my car will explode.

Prosy said...

My old boss told me yesterday that she has mushrooms growing in her shower. Maybe they are related to your yard monsters.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Now I know where they got the idea for the movie "The Happening." Thanks. I think Carrot Top would be a welcome addition to Sacramento...people would pay good money to CT to wrestle our legislators and leave their political parts all over the place. Maybe that is where the fungi is coming from.

LiLu said...

That fungus is like the inkblot test.

And I see a 90 year old man's ass.

The Jules said...

I'm sure you've nothing to worry about.

All hail our glorious new mushroom overlords!

Girl Interrupted said...

Well I don't know what's up with any of that stuff! But I wish I did because now I'm going to lay awake worrying about it at night too! :/

Maybe the aliens are coming out at night and trying on your shoes? Being aliens of course they only have one large, left foot ... so your left shoes are getting stretched etc.

I don't know about your dog's problem ... butt implant surgery gone wrong, maybe?