Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Everything should come with a holster. Or a yeti. Or a yeti holster.

I’m not proud of it, but for a few perilous minutes this week I was Plunged Into Depression as a result of not winning the metaphorical ashes of Steamy’s cat. I really wanted those pretend ashes.

You know how that is. One minute you’re redesigning your entire living room around a cat urn and imagining the admiration of your neighbors when you throw your first dinner party of the season (for which the neighbors with the indoor ducks would finally have to emerge from their house) and the next that dream is dead and you’re shopping for giant white shoes.

Which brings me to my first instructional moment for today.

1. How to kill your social status dead in the sixth grade:

For PE, choose pristine white shoes straight out of the ‘80’s. Be sure they are extra blocky. (Picture what Herman Munster would wear if he were to take up nursing, and yet still want to do a little cross-training immediately after his shift, so with a little swoosh and net detail, also in blinding white. That’s exactly the look you want.)

Be sure to stubbornly insist on these shoes, despite valid warnings from an experienced older sister, and the attempted redirection of your parents. Pretend, if it amuses you, to consider other, less horrific shoes for an hour or two, sometimes wearing a different style shoe on each foot and then climbing the fake shoe-store rock and leaping off the other side. Announce that the left shoe might feel different than the right, and switch. Repeat with two new pairs of shoes, ad infinitum, or until a parent’s head explodes.

Then announce you are going to get the Munster shoes.

2. How to Draw Unnecessary Attention to Yourself in Target:

Discover that your daughter, who has a math phobia, has neglected to tell you she must have the world’s most powerful calculator for Algebra II, the night before she needs it.

Build up some steam in the car on the way over so you can command the dazed stock boy in the red shirt to “show me where the ridiculously-expensive calculators are”. He will know exactly what you are talking about, and lead you silently to Aisle 13, moving quickly in a defensive, serpentine pattern ahead of you.

All the calculators will be gone, except for the toy calculators, and the one that will calculate the trajectory of the space shuttle, using only three buttons and a toggle switch.

It costs a hundred and fifty bucks, and comes with a decorative faceplate. For an additional 9.99, a holster is also available.

Ask your daughter if maybe it would be okay if you just bought the label maker you passed on the way. It’s a lot cheaper, and has a bunch of buttons to push, so it would look good, like you were busy. As long as you didn’t hit the “equals” button, because then a label would shoot out and then the jig is up. Speculate too loudly about whether the label maker would fit in the holster.

Agree finally to purchase the calculator after indignantly polling twenty people in the store and discovering that purchasing the ridiculously-expensive calculator is an unavoidable rite of passage.

Ask checker if the calculator comes with a padded case. To protect your investment.

In the car, mull over possibilities. A shag carpet sleeve? Bubble-wrap jacket? Have an “Aha!” moment in which you realize old stuffed animals would make a perfect graphing calculator housing if the belly were hollowed out. Like a cuddly friend with wicked math skills.

Come home and throw together a possible prototype for your new line of lovable holsters:

yeti holster

Give up on your dream when your husband points out that a calculator embedded in the belly of just about any animal is going to have unavoidable phallic implications.

Try to avoid the eager, aroused look in the yeti’s eye.

3. A Snack Is Nice After Shopping:

Have one. You’ve earned it.

Unless your snack comes with its own shovel attached. A good rule of thumb is always draw the line at shovels.

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35 comments:

That Baldy Fella said...

I'd actually be more like to eat a snack that came with it's own shovel.

The Jules said...

That Yeti Holster is great. You should start a line.

Might I suggest a Bum Sasquatch (or Fanny Sasquatch in Yankese), an Abominable Knapsack and a Bagfoot.


p.s. Fanny - heh.

Jules said...

I think a snack with a shovel probably means a 5 lb. weight gain. At least for me. Was there chocolate in there? It'd be sad if there wasn't.

And I was depressed about not winning the Mr. T talking thing. I planned on using it in class today.

Mr. Condescending said...

She better get straight A's, with the cost of that calculator!

The Peach Tart said...

My daughter pulled that last minute thing on me a few years ago also about those pricey calculators which involved an 8:30 at night trip to The Office Depo.

Kurt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kurt said...

I think the label-maker was the right idea. a+b= ab...that's pretty much the commutative property of addition or something. Also than she can make labels that say "junk" and put them on her friends crotches. Win/win.

CatLadyLarew said...

So what you are telling me is that I wasn't popular in 6th grade because of my brilliant white, size 10 sneakers? I'm so depressed now, I'm going to have to go buy a snack that comes with a shovel.

kate said...

Ha! My friend totally bought the bucket of cheese balls w/shovel attachment with the reasoning that her little boy would love to play with said shovel...I think that it was totally for enhanced cheese ball snackin'. Her son also went batshit after eating his first cheese ball - kind of like he had just partaken in the greatest thing of his two-year life...and I have to agree with him. Cheese balls are epic.

How excited is your daughter to download Tetris onto her graphing calculator so that she can play it during math class (but always with a very serious look on her face so that the teacher totally thinks that she's solving Good-Will-Hunting-kind-of-hard math problems just for fun)?

diane said...

X-tra points for wearing gym shorts that come up higher than the waist with the Munster shoes.
Of course Yeti man got all excited when he saw your Yeti calculator holder. It was probably like looking at Playboy for him.
I hear that most of the snack companies are going to start providing shovels with their goods,. . . and t.v. guides.

Pssst. .there's a writer's award for you back at my place.

@Jules: Bagfoot. Genius.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I had to buy the expensive calculator one year. My parents got it for me. It was the only thing I got for Christmas that December.

I wasn't allowed to use a calculator in Algebra II. My teacher, however, did say that we were allowed to remove our shoes and count our toes if we needed.

C.B. Jones said...

*tries to make sense of all of this useful info, but head explodes five seconds later.*

miss. chief said...

oh, i forgot about the joys of the graphing calculator. you know you can put games on those things?
also, she'll use it about 4 times in class, but then get frustrated and quit math forever and never need it again, like ME!

(note to all y'all, you don't always need high school math to get into university - yay humanities department!)

Mandy's Kidding said...

Hot, hot yeti porn.

Thank you.

Garftayl said...

If you would like I can stuff my live cat into an urn and send it to you. Just be sure to feed him every now and again.

I had to buy that same calculator for my college stats class, granted it would have been better in highschool because now I don't even have any more math classes to take.

Maybe I will take Pre-Calculus or something to get my $129.99 out of my calculator. Sometimes I use it to add up the cash box at the library!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Did you remind your daughter that she has fingers and toes and when she runs out she'll can use classmates.

It's not only a cheap calculator, but a wonderful way for her to introduce herself and make some new friends.

This is probably one of the reasons I'm not a parent - I give horrible advice.

LiLu said...

You're right. I'm going to have a snack right now.

Right after I type "BOOBS" on my fancy calculator.

Mr. Condescending said...

I will upstage LiLu and type Boobies or GO2HELL

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Draw the line AT shovels? Or JUST AFTER shovels? You mean just after shovels, right? Yeah.

I can understand your disappointment, especially when you bring up the whole dinner party thing. Because everyone knows ashes + dinner party = hijinks. And don't try to double check that equaltion with your fancy calculator, it's a kind of special advanced secret math. The NEW new math.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

equation.

wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if I hadn't corrected that.

Prosy said...

Only in America would a snack come with a shovel.

Soda and Candy said...

Truly America is the pinnacle of civilization, where snacks of dubious nutritional worth are consumed by the shovelful and a child's calculator costs more than my week's groceries.

Margo said...

yetis rule, calculators don't. We've had to buy three of these so far. That's almost a car payment.

Vic said...

Baldy,
It is convenient. I think it would appeal to me more if it was a bucket of ice cream instead of party mix.

The Jules,
Fanny Sasquatch. Excellent. Would it sell better, or worse, in the UK? Maybe in an adult store?

Jules,
I think that contest was fixed. Steamy just doesn't like teachers. It's a self-hatred thing, probably.
Sadly, no chocolate. Chocolate changes the whole thing.

Mr. Condescending,
You got that right. Except her math teacher is Jamaican and no one can understand her.

The Peach Tart,
Why do they do that to us? I'll take that, though, over being told we have to construct a scale replica of a California mission by tomorrow.

Kurt,
I know! Also there are a lot of fonts on those things now, so lots of creativity.

CatLady,
Big White Shoes is the primary symptom of dorkhood. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings...
(You don't still have them, do you? Me neither.)

kate,
Cheese balls are the missing ingredient in world peace. Serve them at summit meetings, and suddenly everyone's hugging.

The calculator has already found it's way under my daughter's bed.

diane,
I'm afraid to ask the boy how he's wearing his shorts. Some things should just be left alone...

(thanks for the award!)

the Ind mj,
A calculator for Christmas? That's worse than a garbage disposal.

C.B. Jones,
Feel free to pause at intervals to absorb and review material. Flash cards help.

miss.chief,
As I said somewhere above, my daughter's calculators is already under her bed. She really loves it.
I don't remember ever getting to use a calculator in math, but that was before they had the alphabet in there too, I think...

Mandy,
*growl* :)

Garftay,
You must make a lot of money at the library to need a nuclear calculator like that! I'm impressed. Do you have guest-star librarians?

littlemissblogger,
I like your advice much more than the math teacher's. Also it keeps those numbers down to a manageable size.

Lilu,
I'll send you some cheese balls with a shovel if you'll show me how to write naughty words on the calculator.

(also you, Mr. C - you're a master!)

Steamy,
Draw the line with the shovel? Except the chex mix stuff in those buckets should be thrown out unopened,shovel still attached.

And trampled by wild boar. Too far? I thought so.

Prosy,
Also certain parts of Alberta, I hear, are fond of shovels with snacks.

Soda and Candy,
I'm so proud right now. So much bounty. So much plastic.

Margo,
Couldn't they share one? I've been told that people include these things in their will, and then the heirs have a Thunderdome event to decide who gets it..

(Go Yetis!)

Kez said...

Bahahahaha. Laughing out loud (literally and not like in an annoying teen text message kind of way)as usual!

Imagine if a graphic calculator came with a yeti holster that had a shovel!!!

Carolyn...Online said...

I love that you had a stuffed Yeti in your posession.

Louise said...

No comment about the shovel but yes I pulled the same calculator stunt with my parents.

Dominica said...

hilarious post !
and OMG, I need that same calculator but hubby offered to get it for me instead at Media Market (just an excuse for him to get in there = typical male shop) so I'm saved !!
I only shop for India's school stuff just across my shop but the calculator is something a guy needs to do !
I should get him a little camera to wear on himself so he can film the moment he shops for the calculator ...Should I also tell him to find a holster ??
Can't wait to see his face LOL

Miss Yvonne said...

I read your post really fast at first and I thought you wrote about redecorating around cat urine and I was all "yes, FINALLY someone else who does this!" and then I realized it said "cat urn".

Shoot.

diane said...

I think I might have found your "funny twin". Pearl of pearl-whyyoulittle.blogspot.com. She stalks her neighbors too, evidently. Anyway, I told her she should check out your blog.
I just hope I don't wind up regretting this, because the last time I introduced 2 of my favorite friends to each other, I got left in the dust.

Vic said...

diane,
I totally love Pearl. I consider her an "old" blog friend. I also owe her big, because she was my very first actual follower.

I'm flattered that you see a similarity (and I wouldn't leave you in the dust!:)

Eric said...

I hope you splurged on the calculator, gotta love the expensive calculators, in fact, I have one here on my desk, my computer.

diane said...

I just gave you an award sweetie. xo

ShoesFit said...

We, too, had to go through the take-out-a-line-of-credit-to-purchase-it calculator. I had the gall to purchase the wrong one and bring it home; my son was indignant. I think this experience is designed to start preparing parents for the cost of college.

I love the Yeti holster! I think there is a market for that in the adult entertainment industry. And I didn't see his randy look until you pointed it out.

Girl Interrupted said...

But ... how else are you supposed to scoff your snacks, if not with a shovel????

I'm sorry you're disappointed about the cat urn ... in the name of friendship I'd be willing to send my cat to you. She's not dead ... yet ... but it could be arranged, we've never been that close anyway. Then I could buy a ferret :)