Thursday, August 27, 2009

“Lovingly, cow larcenist?” she said, to no one in particular. And then she fell over.

Because of the crazy vertigo. Vertigo! Spinning, spinning, spinning in infinity, and oh, it’s like the Hammerhead after too much funnel cake, and the car windows are steamed up in the rain, and there goes the pavement whizzing by your head again, and the greasiness is coming back up..

…But it’s not the 1980 Lane County Fair (silly!), it’s vertigo!, which hits hard, out of the blue, an hour and a half before Back To School Night. Which she stubbornly tries to attend anyway, wearing a scratchy teacher dress and too-high heels.

I’ll just hold on tight to this podium, she thinks. Easy peasy. Until the school bosses say no, probably it’s bad to appear to have been drinking heavily while speaking to parents. Or maybe it was Go Home, Drunkard. Pshaw. Either way.

And then instead of teacher speeching, she is driven to the Rapid Care, which, SURPRISE! turns out to be rapid, true to its word, only the nurse attendants laugh behind their hands at the weaving and bobbing, and bouncing off of walls like Mario or Luigi in the hands of a novice, and also after a few cartoon Limon cellos. Hoo hoo!!

And, oh, the motion-sickness. Are the walls really green here? she wonders, and then just a little resty of the forehead on the cool, cool greenness.

And then a tiny amused doctor in a little white coat appears, who says “how about a shot for that nausea?” and she hates him a little and also loves him even as she is pulling down her pants and the needle is very, very sharp.

This will make you drowsy, someone says.

But wait, how did I get this?! she calls down the hall, which is rising and falling, rising and falling. Clowns are laughing in the hidden rooms.

“Cilla!” They say. And at first she thinks, Elvis always called her Cilla, but no, it’s cilia, and hers are all bent up wrong somehow from a virus. Never mind.

And then she sleeps. Hours and hours of sleep. There are some dreams of ships on the ocean, a surging ocean, and then the worst is over, except for sometimes the cilia conduct a sneak attack, like when she is discovering the anagram for her name is “Lovingly, Cow Larcenist”, and suddenly the floor is rushing up fast as she is thinking Am I the cow or do I steal from cows?

But it doesn’t matter, because at least from here the floor is still, and she finally finds that earring she’s been missing.


Jules said...

Vertigo sucks! (When I had it, it was a virus on my nerve??!! Go figure.)
But those drugs for nausea absolutely ROCK! And you got to leave work! Wooooo Hooooo!

Seriously, I hope you feel better!

expateek said...

Awww -- hope you're feeling much better by now. (While you were down there, did you find my hair clippy thing?)

Get better soon, fer realz.

Oh oh. WV is roling. That is NOT FAIR!

Gaston Studio said...

You poor thing! I've only had real vertigo once and it was due to an inner ear thing; the doc told me to just snap my head around... and it went away! Amazing!

Eric said...

You weren't listening to U2, were you?
Hope you are better.

erin said...

That was excellent, even though I'm sure it sucked to go through it.

Or should we not being taking it literally?
If we are then I hope you feel better. If weren't not then Ha-Ha!

Love the new header. It's super duper excellent.

@eloh said...

I had vertigo once really bad, I woke up (sort of) laying on the stairs...upside down. It was hell. The worst being that I was told once your inner ear attacks can happen again.

The best (worst) was not being able to get out of bed because the bed kept getting in my way. I think this is where the saying "She can't find her @ss with both hands" came from.

Vertigo must be experienced to be fully appreciated.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This sounds like the stuff of teacher nightmares. Your cilia are dicks. I hope you feel better soon. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I love the anagram maker!

Maelstrom said...

Vertigo is a villain that once fought against the X-Men. She was defeated though. Maybe you should talk to Wolverine?

diane said...

I had a $2,500 ambulance ride to the hospital 7 years ago for that. The doctor in ER gave me a shot for nausea, and a generic decongestant. He said from now on, all I need to do is take a non-drowsy generic decongestant whenever I start to feel it coming on, which I do, and I've never had any problems with it since. But on that day, 7 years ago, I felt like I was dying. A limp spinning pukey sponge, dying. Hugs. xo d
p.s. Are you sure that's your earing, because I'm missing one too.

Pearl said...

As a woman who is both a fainter and semi-frequent dizziness, I feel your head-spinning pain.

Feel better, Cilla!



Fragrant Liar said...

Whoa, I'm getting nauseous just thinking about vertigo. Hope the shots worked for ya and you are not hung over, Lovingly Cow Larcenist.

Erin said...

That was an ingenious plan to get out of parent night. I might steal it.

Soda and Candy said...

That sucks dude, can they fix it?

I know someone who gets vertigo because of Meuniere's syndrome; he has to carry a little thing that basically says "I'm not a drunkard, I have an illness" so people don't think he's just a wino.

The Jules said...

We came across a friend of ours on the floor in our crew room moaning (which isn't unknown for him), only this time he'd got a big dose of labyrinthitis rather than a hangover. We poured him onto our ambulance and took him to A&E for a jab.

Because he's a paramedic, he wasn't treated to the same amount of respect we normally give patients (a modicum).

Girl Interrupted said...

Oh poor you! Were you still under the influence of the shot they gave you when you wrote this? It has a charmingly delirious quality to it :P

Hope you feel better soon x

Margo said...

brilliant post, Cilla! xxx ooo