Sunday, August 30, 2009

Who Me? I’m Functioning Superbly! It’s Not Like I’M Wearing the Opium Dress.

So after nearly a week of killer vertigo, I was finally feeling better. Until yesterday, that is, when we went out to eat.

See the restaurant had those little cardboard coasters. One side had a picture of, I don’t know, a margarita or something, on it. The other side, for some reason, had this:3870942881_718ca8578e

The universe clearly has it in for me because my kids thought it was hilarious to spin their coasters over and over in my direction. I had to rest my head on my plate to stop my brain from flying out. Lucky for me the garnish was fresh and springy.

(I’m trying really, really hard not to look at the spiral up there too closely, so I’m typing this with my eyes all squinty. It helps a little, and also it’s very Dirty Harry. I knew you’d understand.)

I feel like I’ve been gone a long time. Now that I’m back, I’m noticing stuff. For instance, my last post, as you already know, was a bit on the hallucinatory side. I didn’t actually realize this until today.

Also, I’ve been looking at my new blog header. I sort of remember making that. And I’m pretty sure I like it. Yeah. It’s good. Pretty sure.

The thing is, it’s a little more disturbing than I remembered it being, a week or so ago. Maybe all the Mad Hatter disorientation has altered my perspective, but now I’m thinking it might say things about my psyche that are better shared only with my therapist.

Because the ostrich may or may not be wearing a can-can dress. Made of red poppies, which everyone knows is code for opium; this was totally unintentional. Probably. I don’t remember.

The ostrich, by the way, is a real one I took a photo of at Solvang this summer, just as he was contemplating charging our car with his ropy neck, pursed beak and Manson Family stare. It’s all bald-headed transvestite aggression here at WWYT.

The house in the background is also from a vacation photo. It’s a spooky/cool Victorian house outside of Lompoc that I took a picture of, just after we’d escaped from behind the tractor we’d been following for miles and miles. Several of the back windows of the house were broken out, but I think people live there. Note: If this is your house, can I come over and look around inside? Let me know. Unless you’ve stuffed your dead mother and propped her up in the front window. Then never mind.

Admit it. It looks like the Norman Bates house now that I’ve messed with it. Especially with that shadow from the turret that looks like the silhouette of Alfred Hitchcock with a topknot. It does! Go look. I’ll wait.

Told you.

The man in the window, and the tightrope-walker lady are from old pictures I cut up. The man is supposed to be laughing happily, and in the original picture, he looks happy, like someone told him a great 18th century knock-knock joke. Here, I’ll show you:


See? He’s kinda sweet. The problem is, when you shrink him down and put him in the Norman Bates house, he gets all creepy and threatening, and big, because he’s too big for the window and therefore suggests your blind butler, Lurch, is cracking up and maybe you should give him a vacation before he finds you and crushes you with his gangly hands.

Also, there’s the lady on the roof.

She’s apparently either balancing a sombrero or a giant nacho plate above her head as she skips along the rooftops. That’s not weird.

It’s actually a parasol in the original picture (which I can’t find right now, so you’ll have to take my word for it), but I suppose she represents my fear of falling in front of a hostile south-of-the-border audience while wearing restrictive clothing. It’s a common phobia. Also it represents my love of jalapeno cheese.

Factor in the giant storm that seems to be blowing in, and I think you’ll agree that I’m pretty disturbed deep.

This week I gained three followers, and then just as quickly lost three. I’m sure this has nothing to do with my malevolent blog header. Or my obscure post titles. Or the way I made up the word “resty” last time. Probably just coincidence.

I’m not worried though. My latest fortune cookie fortune assures me that I’ve got it all under control:



truestarr said...

Actually I thought Thursday's post was an excellent example of a prose poem.

Sorry you're still plagued by vertigo flashbacks. Still it makes for very interesting perspective on daily life!

Jules said...

I think today's post is more disturbing than the last one! ;)

Gaston Studio said...

Sorry your vertigo hasn't gone away. And I happen to love your collage header, Norman Bates and all.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I don't have vertigo, and yet those coasters were wreaking havoc with my eyes and sense of balance. Maybe that's a sign that I'm crazy, or in need of more coffee.

I'm headed to the break room. I'll let you know how it turns out.

diane said...

I lost some followers too and then gained a couple. Maybe the ones I lost came over to your place, it's a lot more colorful. I thought the ostrich was coming out of a giant brain. Shows you what I know.
I love your header, and I love your blog. I always get a little happy when I see that you've posted something new. And just so you know, you HAVE to be a little weird to hang out in our group. xo

erin said...

I had constant vertigo during the beginning of my pregnancy with Max. That might explain something.

And I love the new header. It's super duper awesome and all that bullshit. ;)

kate said...

Ostriches are scary shit.

Prosy said...

Have you seen Arrested Development? Liza Minelli has vertigo on that show, and she smokes weed and it makes her feel better I think. Maybe you already tried that and thats where the banner came from? If so, you are very productive, I usually just sleep.

Soda and Candy said...

I think your fortune cookie thinks you are a high-quality washing-machine.

I love your new header. I think it's very artistic & surreal.

C.B. Jones said...

After reading the explanation for the header, it seems less interesting now. Artists are not suppose to explain their work. You are supposed to leave everything to the viewers interpretation, then laugh at their asinine synopses.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Those Solvang ostriches are out for blood, I tell you. Or feed. They hover their long necks and eye your pan of feed suspiciously, then before you know what's happening PECKPECKPECKPECK and feed flies everywhere and somebody's screaming and then you realize the screams are yours and when you open your eyes again your hands are shaky and you're holding an empty pan. Thanks, Solvang. Good times.

Lana said...

i really like the new header! the ostrich is my favorite part, despite the overall bad attitude most of the species seems to have. this one looks good in red, she's smiling at me.

do i need a therapist?

The Jules said...

An ostrich?

I thought it was a sock puppet.

Vic said...

I love that! I would like my entire life to be a prose poem. Nice to have you here. :)

Onward and upward!

Gaston Studio,
Thank you! (For the well-wishes and the kind words. It means a lot coming from an artist. :)

the inD mj,
So?? Did you spend the day curled up on the industrial carpeting in the break room? It can be surprisingly comfortable, I discovered.

Where is everyone going? Thanks! I'm happy to be a part of this little band of weirdos (and ditto about you and your blog - someday I'm bound and determined to develop a little style just by hanging around you. It could happen, right?)

Wow, pregnancy is hard enough without vertigo- I just got fat and craved cheese fries. (and thanks! :)

I know. My dog lost his mind barking at that particular one. It was possessed, I think.

I LOVE Arrested Development. Why do you think I drive a Segway to work? (kidding. maybe.)

Soda and Candy,
I thought the same thing- I sound like a machine. A mindless one. But at least I function superbly. There's always that...

C.B. Jones,
Oh, but we only scratched the surface...
I like the "artist" part though. I'm running with that one. :)

That was YOU following me that day! I didn't mean to scream, honest, it just happened.
Oh. You meant you. Never mind.

You are attracted to beady eyes, apparently. And whispy heads.
How do you feel about Woody Allen? He's hot, right?
(Thanks. :)

The Jules,
Did they have Kukla, Fran and Ollie in the UK? Your comment sent me right back to kindergarten. Fran had some serious issues.

Margo said...

I have to go back and read your previous post. I've been strangely or perhaps just typically, out of it myself - I know that feeling of reading something and going, "huh, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" I had vertigo for a few years back when I tried natural hrt. It was AWFUL. I felt like my head was being flung down on the floor and the ceiling was crashing on me and eyeballs were trying to lift of against my skull in opposite direction. I stopped the natural hrt and was fine. Hope it's getting better :)

CatLadyLarew said...

Lovin' the new header... its like drinking ten margaritas and then gazing at a spinning spiral and having someone put suggestions of weird stuff in my head. (That happens to me all the time.)

Cynthia L. H. said...

Yes, you are very deep.
Hope that vertigo continues to leave you alone.

Cat said...

I'm pretty sure that ostrich is running away from the enormous gasoline fire he just lit in the garage. That guy might want to stop laughing and start saving crazy jalepeno lady from the damn turret before it's too late.

Lulu said...

So now that tune is in my head, you know the one? From the sixties maybe the seventies or eighties? "Dizzy...I'm so dizzy my head is spinning and the world looks allright to me."

Or something.

I LOVED the resty twisty spinny post!

I wish that they'd let you talk at school, though - think of how attendance would go up in your class!

Mobius said...

wait.. would it be awful if I admited that I didn't notice the difference between spinny you and regular you?

Pearl said...

Sorry, but I was forced to meme you.




Carolyn...Online said...

Today, on this random Wednesday, I would like a smidge of whatever you were having when you made your header. Thanks.

Michelle said...

Damn that header is freaking awesome!!! Now I want a spooky scary header!! You up for it lady???