Monday, September 28, 2009

Also, I was going to check out “pop-a-prune.com” because who doesn’t enjoy that? Prunes, maybe.

Things I have done since my last post:
  • Eaten many, many candy corns.  Please be advised that if you buy the little cute bags with only five corns in it, you will be obliged to tear open hundreds of them to get your daily allotment, but that’s okay because cellophane tearing counts as exercise, and think of the upper arm toning.
  • Graded one-hundred and fifty student essays, five of which included misspellings of the writer’s own name.  Wrote passive aggressive teacher-ish comments in margins such as was your character trapped in a cake?
  • Contemplated new career.  Perhaps a  seeing-eye ferret trainer. Sky-diving mailman. Something easier than teaching.
  • Received notifications from school nurse in staff mailbox. Learned following things:

    1. Everyone has asthma.
    2. Two students have peanut allergies (Even the smell of a peanut on your breath can send these students into shock.  Peanuts can kill!). 
    3. One student has something reassuringly labeled “Sudden Death Syndrome”.  (If students falls to the floor unexpectedly, get help.) 


  • Resolved to revise my current “step over body and continue” plan for dealing with deceased students in the classroom.
  • Bought trail mix from vending machine.  Ate nuts first and then raisins. Theorized that raisins cancel out peanutty breath.  Was unable to test out raisin antidote as nut avoiders absent.
  • Discovered large piles of hair in back of classroom.  Three days in a row, so three large piles of hair, black and curly.  All pieces of hair approximately three inches long.
  • Suffered unpleasant mental picture of giant swarthy man, say Paul Bunyan, manscaping in back of classroom.
  • Scanned room for suspiciously balding freshmen.  Conducted casual investigation into hairball origins.  Possible witnesses refused to come forward. Case cold.
  • Concluded that today’s teenagers are broken.
  • Went to the junk store in search of odd things which bring me joy. Developed  irrational fear of large Victorian-era portrait featuring a malevolent crone in a bun and high lace collar.  Became convinced  beady eyes were watching my every move.  Looked behind self at portrait.  Suspicions confirmed. 
  • Thought briefly about taking photograph of scary picture for blog readers.  Remembered that this is excellent way to be stalked by spirit and end up in A & E ghosthunter special with nervous wringing hands and a piano that plays by itself in the middle of the night.  Would like to meet Chuck the psychic, but totally not worth demon woman.
  • Found this for blog readers instead:
tv1
Is it just me, or is that baby a little pissed off?   Do you think it’s me?

33 comments:

Kurt said...

I think it is very important to only engage in activities that won't inspire hauntings. It's not a hard and fast* rule, and I'm pretty sure my mom made it up to keep the grave robbing down to a dull roar...but still solid advice.

*(*snicker*)

@eloh said...

Wow, this post is so choc-full-o-nuts I don't know where to start.

I too love candy corn, my feeling are hurt when people say it was all made back in 1910 or some such crap. I suffer silently and have never before defended my love.

I've read about that sudden death thing...seems years ago when it was named some family started dropping like flies. It was a heart condition, if I recall correctly.

The short and curlies in a pile sounds like somebody is saving them up for show and tell. First public puber I've ever heard of...give the kid a couple points for originality.

Leaving a comment here, I sweat blood, just like when I have to send a thank you note to my friend who is a retired school teacher.

I can't help but to make-up words...and my punctuation and spelling suck.

Jules said...

I think that picture is either of the hair pulling teenager child sitting at the back of your class who probably is one of the ones who misspelled her own name. OR the one with Sudden Death Syndrome.

But really. If I die suddenly, will I then be diagnosed with Sudden Death Syndrome too? Will the doctors say, "Well, we THOUGHT she had IBS...."

Mobius said...

What is up with the peanut thing? My son has a "peanut table" now at lunch. When did it become a crime to eat peanut where you have to be separated from the rest of society?

Maybe the government should think about this as a new weapon?

Obama: Should we nuke Iran?
Gates: How about we send them a bag of peanuts instead?

Gaston Studio said...

Wonder what Jimmy Carter is doing with all those left over peanuts no one wants?

The Jules said...

I hope I'm never diagnosed with Slow Painful Lingering Demise Syndrome.

Miss Yvonne said...

I made a chocolate trail mix for my kid's band section last week and then spent the whole day freaking out because "oh crap, I put peanut butter in there and what if one of the kids is allergic!". I haven't heard about anyone dying suddenly, so hopefully it all turned out okay.

Also, seeing-eye ferret trainer? Best job ever, I bet.

Logical Libby said...

You have kids leaving hair behind in your classroom? Wow. That is very creepy in a serial killer kind of way.

erin said...

Ok. I was going to say something serious about the asthma epidemic...but then I read about Paul Bunyon's manscaping.
I'm dying to know how the hell that hair wound up there? What the fruck?

You can come work here for me. I've always wanted a au pair who was a teacher and left her life in sunny California to come and take care of my kids in rainy cold and shitty PA for a couple bucks a week and a few pats on the bum.

kate said...

You deserve a big, shiny medal for teaching high school. I didn't even like being around teenagers when I WAS a teenager.

Char said...

Hahaha, I could hardly get passed the recurring hairballs! My fave:
"mental picture of giant swarthy man, say Paul Bunyan, manscaping in the back of classroom". Teaching highschool has to be like waking to a brand new world every day. Great post!

CatLadyLarew said...

Instead of just stepping over deceased students, perhaps you want to prop open their eyes and take pictures of them to hang on your wall... you know, to discourage inappropriate behavior in class.

Lora said...

speaking of peanuts and candy corn...

next time, toss some dry roasted peanuts with some candy corn. holy crap is it good.

Like a Payday bar, kind of.

Then breathe on the brats.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahaha, excellent. My mum's test with her 1st grade students is "Are you bleeding? No? Then go sit down."

The baby is just wondering if she'll inherit that unibrow when she gets older.

Jay Ferris said...

Hah! "Junk" store.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Sudden Death Syndrome? Way to ruin the surprise, kid.

linlah said...

Seeing eye ferret training might be harder than hurding cats.

Liza said...

I think that if you are considering a new career then perhaps you should consider comedy writing. Your posts are so damned funny! Thanks for that, and for enduring the children.
All the best.

Pearl said...

Piles of hair? Perhaps the seeing-eye ferrets have been deliverd? Check for tails and teeth. Your new career awaits!

Pearl

Chief said...

K...I got one from the school nurse that came in my box.

Forest needs to be able to drink as much water as possible and pee regularly...

What the?

Jocelyn said...

Clearly, the student from whom you "confiscated" an enormous candy corn stash is wreaking vengeance by pulling out his/her pubic hairs (c'mon: could be galscaping, too) and giving you the heap.

I laughed loudly at the passive/aggressive teacher comments line...I feel like I'm in constant editing mode when it comes to expressing any of my actual thoughts to my students. Probably because they all start with "What a dumb asswipe you are."

Jocelyn said...

Clearly, the student from whom you "confiscated" an enormous candy corn stash is wreaking vengeance by pulling out his/her pubic hairs (c'mon: could be galscaping, too) and giving you the heap.

I laughed loudly at the passive/aggressive teacher comments line...I feel like I'm in constant editing mode when it comes to expressing any of my actual thoughts to my students. Probably because they all start with "What a dumb asswipe you are."

Taytay said...

I have to agree, "fun sized" candies aren't even fun, and in fact they are less than fun, I don't buy them because they are just a PIMB (Pain in my butt).

And I think the nurse just wants to have an excuse to shut down the school due to asthma infection therefore all students are under quarantine so everybody gets a free day!

Eric said...

I know I could have used more mocking from teachers when I was a teenager.

Nothing motivates at that age like sarcasm, and that is why you are in the perfect job.

Scribe said...

Love your writing style. I'm glad I popped by - though not pop a prune! 'Cause prunes are evil.

Michelle said...

Girl you are hilarious. I miss you!! I think I may never see you again, since you are back to teaching.

That photo is scary but I need to go look at it again and again. It is not you!

Fragrant Liar said...

All participants in that picture look related, and haunted. They are haunted because they are ghosts, and they got that way due to peanut allergies. That's why they look pissed. I mean, haunted. Is one of them you?

Margo said...

Wouldn't that be something if our blogs could get possessed? It could explain a lot. Hope school is getting better and that the lovely folks in this picture, and the dead bodies in your classroom aren't haunting or tripping you.

Mr. Charleston said...

Place row of candy korns around hair balls. Breathe peanut breath on hair balls. Sing, come-a, come-a, come-a, come-a, ca-come-a-come-a, three times. By morning the hair balls will be gone. (PS, Make every effort not to be seen or overheard doing the above.)

chupacabra said...

Candy corns- nature most perfect food.

Lulu said...

ohh. mmmmmm. candy corn. 'nuff said.

Anonymous said...

After a day that pushed me completely over to the hate side of the love/hate relationship I have with teaching high school, I really needed a laugh. As expected, you delivered. Thanks!
BTW... I have also experienced the creepy hair clumps lurking in the back of the room and have never been able to find the culprit.

Chelle said...

Found this, thought of you immediately: http://pzrservices.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451ccbc69e2011571985de9970b-400wi