Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Might Be a Little Homesick for Sumeria. Also, a cry for help.

Conversation with my son  (while working on his "Sumerian Family" essay)

Son:  "I said here at the beginning that Dad wears a grass man skirt.  A BIG man skirt."
Me:  "mmhmmmm...That's nice."
Son:  "Can I say you're approaching fifty?"
Me:  "WHAT?  No!  I'm not 'approaching fifty'!"
Son:  "Well, what ARE you approaching?"
Me:  "Just put my age, if you have to."
Son (wearing kindly, pitying look):  "How about if I just say you're 'approaching twenty? Then you'd feel young again.'"
Me:  Why do I have to be 'approaching" anything?  That's way too young anyway. I would have been a mother in the first grade."
Son:  (eyes glazed with studious math-avoidance) "Whatever. "
".....hey, Mom, what's a good Sumerian name for the dog?"
Me:  "Do I look like a Sumerian name expert?"
Son (clicking, clicking, clicking keys on the computer):  "How about ...' Stanley'?"
Me:  "Stanley?? That's not a Sumerian name."
Son:  "Uh huh!.  Come look."
Me: (looking over son's shoulder at the computer):  "Look at that.  Stanley.  Huh."

Then I took a moment to survey the accompanying crayon illustration of the Family Vic circa 1200 BC.

Me: "Where's your dad in this picture?  I see you and me, and your sister, nice hairy wrap dress, by the way, and the dog.  And a.... er.....gazelle in a basket? Where's your dad?"
Son:  "Oh, him.  He's in the hut.  He's sleeping because he's a night guard at the Ziggurat, and also, I was tired of drawing."

Which totally figures.  I'm out by the garden with a hoe in my hand and a generously sized hairdo, laboring away in the sand under a hot Mesopotamian sun, and he's in the hut. What's more, everyone in the family got a cool retro name (Gilgamesh,  Endukagga, Aruru, Stanley), except me.

At least I look really hot in my wrap dress and strappy sandals.  Seriously.  I should have been born a few thousand years ago.

Because right now I am way less stylish than my Sumerian alter-ego, and also kitty haggard.  From kittens.  In our house. (None of this is a euphemism.) Indicating how big a pushover I am as a parent, because we are really dog people, and the dog is a dog's dog and not really thrilled about the whole idea, although he is pretending to be indifferent until we leave the house, we have brought two small kittens home today.  I think one of them has been drinking back-to-back Redbulls judging from the blur of destruction and chaos, and the other is still stoned from surgery and may sleep until next week. Kittens are so cute!

I'm going to need you people as spotters -   if kittens appear on this blog in outfits (except a shower cap, which is excellent on any animal), or if I start talking about purchasing a cat stroller, please stage an intervention.



Jules said...

If you even MENTION getting a cat stroller, I am flying out there, sedating you, taking you to a hut in Africa where you work in the hot sun and a big hairdo, and taking the kittens to a home where people do not put cats in strollers. OR on leashes.

I have six cats. I know these things.

Also. You are not to put hats on them.

But you are to look up the website "Stuff on Your Cat".

Mobius said...

It is 6AM and I've already learned my fact of the day... Stanley is a good Sumerian name. Heh.

Kurt said...

I totally think Sumeria was the hot spot in Mesopotamia. Like all the hottest hoes lived there. (*slide whistle*)

Mandy's Kidding said...

You are now a cat person.

I'm just waiting for the blog describing how you assembled a floor-to-ceiling cat tree in the living room.

erin said...


I don't like cats and they're on my last post!
Something weird is happening.
Call Mulder. Or Scully...but preferably Mulder.

Logical Libby said...

Kittens are proof there is evil in the world. We all love them because they are so cute, but then they grow up and become cats -- which are all jerks. I am pretty sure cats caused the downfall of Sumaria.

Dominica said...

NEVER leave a bottle of codfish-oil open !! That attracts them kitties ...!!
funny story..India did have to write a story for school once about 'our house' ...we lived at the other side of town, not to far from the red-light district and there was always an old man, shouting in the street..he didn't know what he was doin' but he scared the hell out of her ! So instead of writing about 'OUR' house she described our neighboorhood = old drunk scary men, streets with ladies that show their titties to men only. That teacher must have had some fun reading her paper !

@eloh said...

I was always just a dog person...but, I've had cats for years now too.

They have a way of getting under your claws ya know.

miss. chief said...

my mom has a dog stroller.

chupacabra said...

Cat stroller!? Ha That reminds me-my family needs to be directed to stage an intervention for me when I start walking around in public with a snake draped around my neck.

Now THAT is a cry for help.

CatLadyLarew said...

So was your family cat a leopard back in Sumerian times? When it died, you could have had a leopard skin coat and been the best dressed in the neighborhood.

Prosy said...

Maybe I'm losing touch with reality, or maybe I just have poor reading skills, but until about half way through this I was thinking, "I didn't know she was Sumerian...I thought she lived in the U.S. somewhere....her husband wears a grass skirt? Do they work for a resort or something?"

kate said...

Now, wait. Cat outfits are okay if used only for torture. My cat, Gus (whom we call White Lightning because of his tendancy to run around the house at about 100 mph while crashing into doors and windows) has a chicken costume that I put on him when he's really being a dick. He hates it. I love it.

diane said...

I was seriously thinking how cool your "Sumerian" neighborhood was, until I read Dominica's comment. Her neighborhood sounds like a lot more fun, and I'm already looking into travel options for moving there.
About the cats, they're only cute until the first time they walk up your body using only their claws.

Soda and Candy said...

I deamnd kittens in outfits as soon as possible. Just remember to do it in PhotoShop and not in real life if you value your unshredded skin.

Jay Ferris said...

Having been raised by two women, I learned at an early age that you always round female ages down... by 20.

Chief said...

Never loved cats. Satan made cats and God made dogs.

That is all

That Baldy Fella said...

I quite like the idea of having ziggurat night patrolman on my CV.

The word verif is Intedit which I choose to take as my Sumerian name. Intedit the ziggurat night patrolman. Got a ring to it.

truestarr said...

I am totally impressed that you managed to string homework, Sumeria, ziggurat and kittens together in a single post and that it all makes perfect sense.

Anyway, I've tagged you for a meme so ...pop over to my blog when you have a chance, to have a look

[you might NOT want to look at the website ]

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I know a ziggurat joke. I'm trying so hard to remember it.

Ziggurat? I barely knew her! HAHAHAHAAA!

No, that's not it.

Is that a ziggurat in your pants that's not it either.

Vic said...

Hey everyone -
I had big plans today to respond to everyone's comments here, and make my comment rounds too - I so appreciate everyone here and you make me laugh.

Turns out today was hard. It marched along in a gritty, teeth-gnashing, bad-to-worse kind of way, and then it was late and I have no energy left for anything save regular breathing.

I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
(sounds like fun, huh?)

Promise I'll be around more tomorrow.

Berowne said...

Who needs a cat stroller? Cordelia hit her 14th birthday recently and she has never left the condo (except for trips to the vet). Being an indoor cat means, folks try to tell me, that she has been deprived of something. Nonsense. She has lived a life of unselfish love amid luxurious surroundings, with the best food available, all complete with daily exercises, careful grooming and the sincere attention of her partner/companion/owner/caregiver.

Pearl said...

Vic, I laughed out loud, and not my usual "huh", either.

Kittehs love to wear outfits. Just ask Liza "Bean" Bitey (of the Mpls Biteys), who dressed as a skunk for Halloween last year and as Mrs. Claus for Christmas.



THE GUYS said...

Funny! Love your style!

I'm getting serious pressure from all sides to get a dog or a cat. (That would be wife and three kids)

I'm fighting the good fight, but it's coming. I can see the writing on the wall......maybe it's time to join THE GUYS lounging in the Sumerian Hut!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Your son deserves an A. Women didn't deserve names in ancient Sumeria. They were there simply to satisfy Enkidu and Gilgamesh.

Why didn't he name the dog Nebuchednezzar?