I'm pretty sure that fish know what we're thinking.
Probably your brain waves travel through the water and then right into fish, (AKA Thought Receptacles), and therefore we should be really glad that fish lack vocal chords because otherwise they would rule the world. Because of all the sensitive information to which they are privy.
What's worse is that at our house we accidentally blinded one of our betta fish when we went on the Clampitt Family Vacation this summer. In retrospect, it was a bad move to trust the teenager they had working at the pet store who said just dump this stuff in the water and it'll dissolve, leaving time release wormy bits afloat for the fish's dining pleasure. Only, when we returned there was a solid layer of what looked like plaster floating at the top of the water, and underneath was the Betta with a monocle in one eye.
Since then, Roku (that's the fish's name. Don't look at me. I wanted to name it Maury Povitch but I was outvoted) has been swimming into the sides of the tank with its mismatched eyeballs. This is bad for two reasons: one, nothing's worse than a fish with a vendetta (see Jaws IV), and two, blind individuals have stalked me before, as some of you know.
Which brings me to what I really want to talk about today, and that's Pearl's meme. (I'm sending you a fish, Pearl. You can send them in the mail. I checked. Also live chickens, and cadavers. I'm still not sure about beer.)
I usually duck memes when I see them coming, and anyway I still have a couple of awards to hand out at some point, but Pearl might rough me up, so I'm going to do this meme really quick.
So. Now I'm supposed to tell you about seven quirky traits of mine as shown in this blog.
Kindly stifle your mocking laughter.
1. As we have established, I 'm pretty sure fish know what we are thinking. OR, I believe that if I say it enough, I'll convince someone else it's true, and then I can be responsible for developing a full-blown fish phobia in another person. Which would be an accomplishment.
2. I'm a little awkward socially. For instance, I really don't like going to co-worker's TGIF parties, because I spend the time staring at my feet and listening to everyone reminisce about the last time they got together and something hilarious and shocking happened in the hot tub, but the story's all jumbled because they're drunk as they're telling it, and anyway, I wasn't there, so I just go "Ha, ha. ... Ha. Hot tubs are nice... I need to get going, I think."
But then today I heard all about the last party, and I wasn't invited apparently because I'm so good at parties, and I should be relieved, but I'm feeling sort of left out. I'm pathetic.
3. I have synesthesia, which means words and other things have specific colors in my head. September is chocolate brown, and all the months travel in a circle, like a pop bead necklace. Also, I think that people are secretly convinced I just make that up, so I don't usually tell anyone. Except here. I'm secretly convinced I've made you up, so we're even.
4. I have a mental block about liquid measurements. We apparently learned about liquid measurements in the third grade, but that year we moved a lot and I went to a bazillion schools, or maybe it was four, and every time we started to learn liquid measurements, BOOM, we moved.
And now I can't seem to keep them in my head, no matter how hard I try. My recipes come out pretty exciting. Sometimes we have soup unexpectedly.
5. I never paint my fingernails, because the polish makes my nails feel like they're suffocating. They get a little throbby, and that makes me focus too much on my fingers, and I start noticing that they look extra short and stumpy with polish, and if the polish is red it's very much like someone has chopped each finger off at the first knuckle.
6. I would rather be hit by a semitruck, or fall off a cliff, or be mauled to death by a hippo, than drown. Everyone says drowning's such a peaceful way to go, but I don't believe them. Sometimes I have nightmares about drowning.
7. I am not as ditzy as I sound on paper. Probably.
Here's the part where I pretend to forget about tagging seven other people, unless you want to be tagged, in which case You're It.