Thursday, September 03, 2009

Sometimes I Eat Fish Sticks In Front Of Them, Just As A Warning. Also, a Meme Thing.

I'm pretty sure that fish know what we're thinking.

Probably your brain waves travel through the water and then right into fish, (AKA Thought Receptacles), and therefore we should be really glad that fish lack vocal chords because otherwise they would rule the world.  Because of all the sensitive information to which they are privy.

What's worse is that at our house we accidentally blinded one of our betta fish when we went on the Clampitt Family Vacation this summer.  In retrospect,  it was a bad move to trust the teenager they had working at the pet store who said  just dump this stuff in the water and it'll dissolve, leaving time release wormy bits afloat for the fish's dining pleasure. Only, when we returned there was a solid layer of what looked like plaster floating at the top of the water, and underneath was the Betta with a monocle in one eye.

Since then,  Roku  (that's the fish's name. Don't look at me.  I wanted to name it Maury Povitch but I was outvoted) has been swimming into the sides of the tank with its mismatched eyeballs.  This is bad for two reasons: one, nothing's worse than a fish with a vendetta (see Jaws IV), and two, blind individuals have stalked me before, as some of you know.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about today, and that's Pearl's meme.  (I'm sending you a fish, Pearl.   You can send them in the mail.  I checked.  Also live chickens, and cadavers.  I'm still not sure about beer.)

I usually duck memes when I see them coming, and anyway I still have a couple of awards to hand out at some point, but Pearl might rough me up, so I'm going to do this meme really quick.

So. Now I'm supposed to tell you about seven quirky traits of mine as shown in this blog.
Kindly stifle your mocking laughter.

1.  As we have established, I 'm pretty sure fish know what we are thinking.  OR,  I believe that if I say it enough, I'll convince someone else it's true, and then I can be responsible for developing a full-blown fish phobia in another person.  Which would be an accomplishment.

2. I'm a little awkward socially.  For instance, I really don't like going to co-worker's TGIF parties, because I spend the time staring at my feet and listening to everyone reminisce about the last time they got together and something hilarious and shocking happened in the hot tub, but the story's all jumbled because they're drunk as they're telling it, and anyway, I wasn't there, so I just go "Ha, ha. ... Ha. Hot tubs are nice... I need to get going, I think."

But then today I heard all about the last party, and I wasn't invited apparently because I'm so good at parties, and I should be relieved, but I'm feeling sort of left out.  I'm pathetic.

3.  I have synesthesia, which means words and other things have specific colors in my head.  September is chocolate brown, and all the months travel in a circle, like a pop bead necklace. Also, I think that people are secretly convinced I just make that up, so I don't usually tell anyone.  Except here.   I'm secretly convinced I've made you up, so we're even.

4.  I have a  mental block about liquid measurements.  We apparently learned about liquid measurements in the third grade, but that year we moved a lot and I went to a bazillion schools, or maybe it was four, and every time we started to learn liquid measurements, BOOM, we moved.

And now I can't seem to keep them in my head, no matter how hard I try.  My recipes come out pretty exciting.  Sometimes we have soup unexpectedly.

5.  I never paint my fingernails, because the polish makes my nails feel like they're suffocating.  They get a little throbby, and that makes me focus too much on my fingers, and I start noticing that they look extra short and stumpy with polish, and if the polish is red it's very much like someone has chopped each finger off at the first knuckle.

6.  I would rather be hit by a semitruck, or fall off a cliff, or be mauled to death by a hippo, than drown.  Everyone says drowning's such a peaceful way to go, but I don't believe them. Sometimes I have nightmares about drowning.

7.  I am not as ditzy as I sound on paper.  Probably.

Here's the part where I pretend to forget about tagging seven other people, unless you want to be tagged, in which case You're It.


Kez said...

You make me laugh so much. My fish is invincible so I probably should be glad they can't speak. I imagine Bruce the Giant Mutant Goldfish would probably stage a coup and he would have this really manly voice that scares children and small adult humans such as myself.

I am so sorry you were outvoted when you named your fish. As you can see, Bruce was not really my choice either. He used to have a friend called Greg that moved in after Trevor died, but Greg died too. I think Bruce poisoned them.

Mobius said...

Usually when I read these things, I end up now liking the person as much. However, I find myself liking you more. Fish are friends not food... or psychic stalkers. Number 7 made me smile.

Jules said...

I don't know my measurements either! I SWEAR I was absent for that entire unit in elementary school!!!!

And having fish as pets is strange anyway. I say you flush him and let him join his friends at the sewage plant!

Kurt said...

Fingers are best unsuffocated so I think this just shows that you are a scholar and not ditzy and also have mad fish empathy, yo.

Gaston Studio said...

I had to tape the liquid measurements on the fridge; that God my daughter does most of the cooking.

What color is December? That's my birth month and I'm partial to blue.

CatLadyLarew said...

That happened to my fish once... and I hadn't even left him in the hands of teenagers. Reading your quirky traits, I think we may have been separated at birth.... what with my fingers getting claustrophobia when nail polish is applied and everything.

Miss Yvonne said...

I do the months-in-a-circle thing too! I thought I was the only one that did that. Do your summer months take up more space in the circle than all the others. Like they are all stretched out and take one whole side of the cirlce, which means the winter months are all squished together on the other side kind of? Mine totally do that. And September kind of loops around the bottom of of the circle. So does December.

I'm not good at parties either. Obviously.

kate said...

I'll tell you from personal experinece that you're not TECHNICALLY supposed to mail beer, but if you flirt just enough with the zit-faced-teenaged-boy at the UPS Store, he'll totally let you do it anyway.

Pearl said...

Drowning's peaceful?!

Nah. FREEZING TO DEATH. Now THAT'S peaceful!


I believe you about the synesthesia. But I also believe that you've made some of us up. Like me, for example. I don't recall being around before your blog, but here I am! Woot! So far, I really like it!



Chief said...

I am so relieved. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have now officially been diagnosed with Synesthesia (or whatever you said). I have it, and I have it real bad!

expateek said...

God, you're so right about the fingernail thing! That drives me made. And people look at you so strangely when you say that your fingernails are suffocating. "But fingernails are already dead, silly!" "Not mine, they aren't... yet!"

And months in a circle? Totally with you there, although I finally noticed that it was more of a horseshoe deal, with a big open space in the summer. Kind of like a game board, but you could go off piste in June July and August. Then spin the dice and it's September again.

And drowning. Ugh. Actually my big fear is drowning in an airplane submerged after a crash. Claustrophobia! There, hope that helped you, because it sure didn't help me. I need a drink!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I had a beta at work named Sake. He was pooping up the tank so I get him a cleaning fish named Alice. They co-habitated nicely for a few months. But then one morning, I noticed Alice lost an eye and Sake was acting all dominant. So I changed Alice's name to Left Eye Lisa and they had another good six months together before Sake finished that bitch off.

diane said...

I am not awkward at all at parties, and there in lies the problem. I announce myself as the party photographer, so everybody loves me and wants their picture taken. But by the time I get around to shooting the pictures, I'm half in the bag, so the photos come out really bad. Then I post them up for everyone to see.

I don't get invited back.

Soda and Candy said...

I feel like hella bloggers have synesthesia. Maybe the synesthesia gene is linked to the awesomely hilarious gene?

I sure as hell don't have either.

Jay Ferris said...

I can only hope that if I eat a lot of fish, I will eventually absorb enough of their essence to gain telepathic powers. Either that or enough mercury to make me think I have telepathic powers.

Oh, and I absolutely have synesthesia, especially surrounding numbers and time, which have always had a sort of 3d structure to them for me. I also have this weird compulsion where I have to write down certain words when they get stuck in my head. Much like you, I don't tell anyone because they suck and usually think I'm (an even bigger) weirdo.

@eloh said...

Geez, mine is Roman numbers, my fourth grade teacher hated me...or was it the other way around....she chased me all around the room one day...I was a really fat kid but I out lasted her..for a while.

Always amazed me how the teachers could inflict death camp style pain and never leave a mark...must be some class given by the CIA.
She never water boarded me, but I bet she knew how.

Ben of the Green Hills said...

First time around here, I like it, think I'll stick around some.
And yeah, months definitely do travel in a circle, anyone ever doubted that???

miss. chief said...

i'm kind of obsessed with synesthesia. i wish i had it. i kind of assign colors and patterns with other things but i think it's like wannabe synesthesia.

C.B. Jones said...

"I'm secretly convinced I've made you up, so we're even."

I'm not real then? That explains my inability to get those magic doors to open at the super market. Why didn't you tell this before? I mean jeez, you could have been in my top five favorite bloggers list...If I devoted the time to compile such a list anyway.

Dominica said...

Nothing wrong by naming a fish Roku ! We had 2 fish before and they were called Pauline & Paulette (after a Belgian movie title ..)
You should sue the pet-store !! Selling cheap-blinding stuff ...

Jocelyn said...

Pearl IS mean, so I'm glad you did this. If not, I couldn't come here anymore and laugh 'til my liver explodes.

We had a betta fish in our lives for 3 months this last year (name: Anikin), and he was malevolent and actually emitted hate vibes. I thought he was going to leap the tank and crawl down my throat while I slept, just to kill me (you know, how mice usually do, but in this case, it would be a fish).

Most importantly for this post: one of my college friends married a guy named Jeff who is Maury Povitch and Connie Chung's private chef, and so they get to spend holidays at the Povitch/Chung house (albeit eating scraps in the kitchen, but they do get to come out before and after company meals), and the word is that CONNIE CHUNG IS THE NICEST PERSON EVER, so maybe you could get another fish and name her Connie.

Even if Connie's a he.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Sounds like I better get started on a fish urn for you. But Instead of a sugar bowl i'll do one of those fancy little salt bowls, and I'll paint your fish in heaven playing with Rufus. Wait, fish aren't dry enough to burn. They're all oily. Maybe you could just set him on fire and make a little fishy Eternal Flame like they have at Arlington National Cemetery. Like a fish JFK. Put it on a pedestal in your front yard. Lawn ornament neighbor will be super jealous of your Eternal Fish Flame.

Now I'm singing The Bangles. Great.

Margo said...

Do your toe nails suffocate too? I think you are right about this nail asphyxiation - the yellow color that's left after removing can't be good. I'm worried about fish now. They must hate us. Full blown fish phobia accomplished!

Prosy said...

your fish with a monocle is making me smile. I am so jealous of your synthesasia (I know thats wrong, whatever) ever since I read about that I've wished I had it. Do you have different colors for different numbers?

Vic said...

Where do you buy an invisible giant mutant goldfish? I need one of those. Two. One to send to Pearl and one to keep.

I knew I liked you when you left your last comment about the spinny me and the regular me. You are a discerning reader. There is no difference. :)
Glad you're here.

But if I flush him, he'll be like the Teenage Mutant Turtles, only he's a fighting fish, so he'd be really badass AND have a vendetta. I just can't risk it.

I'm feeling very scholarly tonight, and also jealous because a porpalope is way better than a fish.

Gaston Studio,
Maybe I should tape the measurements to the fridge too, instead of just winging it....

Sorry, December isn't blue. It's very dark. Between brown and black. You'd think it would be red or green, but no.

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! It actually makes me shudder to think what acrylic nails would feel like. Like my fingers have been buried alive..

Miss Yvonne,
My summer months DO take up more room at the bottom. They're also lighter colors so they look bigger in my mind too. September is on the left, kinda in the "corner".

I thought there had to be a way to do that. I probably have a student that works at the UPS - maybe I should ask. Except flirting would get me fired, so maybe not.

Actually, I think you made ME up. You were here first, after all!
You sure you don't want a fish, or a chicken or something? I'm itching to mail something now..

Second set of comments coming.

Vic said...

I know how you feel- when I was little I thought everyone saw words/numbers etc. in their head like I do, and then when I found out most people don't, that just made me more of a freak.
Does sound have color for you? Some people do that too.

This is why I like you guys - you see the way I do! A horseshoe is a good description of the month progression.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to dream about drowning in an airplane tonight now.

"Left-Eye Lisa" is hilarious. I'm still laughing. Poor Alice.

Are the pictures bad, or incriminating? Both sound like fun once they're posted. :)
You need to teach me your party talk skills. I need a tutor.

Soda and Candy,
You may not have synesthesia, but I think you're an awesome blogger.

Okay, I don't have to write down numbers; what I have to do is TYPE them. In the air. Just certain words I hear, with no particular pattern.
I'm going to like you. I can tell.

I still don't know Roman numerals either, after twenty or so.
My kindergarten teacher used to chase people with a ruler. We had kindergarten in a church, so she'd chase you around the pews.

Hey Ben! Welcome! According to people I've polled in the past, most people seem to either not picture months at all, or they see them in a grid, like on a calendar. Mine are all different shaped, colorful blobs, all hanging in a circle.
Are yours blobs?

It's kind of fun. The difference is that with synesthesia the colors for certain words,number,letters, don't change. That's just their color. People who are just creative can change their associations.

C.B. Jones,
I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I invented you; you're based on a guy I knew in fifth grade who brought cow tongue sandwiches to school every day.
Have you been craving cow tongue sandwiches by any chance?

Those are very elegant fish names. Were they matching fish?

Sorry about that liver. It's payback though, because you do the same thing to me. I'm still laughing about your back to school outfit (which I never commented on because some crisis or other erupted at home right then. I DO read though.)
Betta fish can be so aggressive. One of ours ate the fins off another one after it leaped into the other tank while we were changing the water. Little bugger.

I'm glad to hear about Connie Chung. The next fish is going to be Connie for sure.

Is it possible to chain an eternal flame? You know how many neighbor chains all the lawn ornaments.

I bet dried fish would burn, especially if you coated them in lighter fluid first. So I'm still hoping for that urn. Do you have puffy paint?

Woo hoo! My first fish phobia - it's such a heady feeling of power, I tell ya.
No, weirdly,the toes don't suffocate. I do paint my toenails. It distracts people from my heel callouses.

My numbers definitely have colors. At least most of them do. Some of them are just light tan, like four. Some are really vivid like 6 which is deep red.

diane said...

eloh's comment made me suck my beer up into my nose when I laughed, and Jocylen's comment made me seriously afraid of mice. God, I LOVE coming here.

Mr. Charleston said...

I think fish seem to be telepathic because they are ultra-sensitive to vibes. Give off good vibes and they reflect them back at you. Bad vibes, they shy away from you. Run the vacuum and they get jittery. Play Lynyrd Skynyrd and they jump out of the tank.

Love your new header.

Little Ms Blogger said...

#2 - I can totally understand. It's one thing to not want to be somewhere, it's another thing not to be asked.

If it happens again, pretend you gave off the vibe that you're far too cool and elusive, like Greta Garbo, and people were too scared to invite you.

Ben of the Green Hills said...

To me the whole year looks like the face of a clock, thus the circle thing. Although I don't have synesthesia it's chrystal-clear that time MUST be a circle - it just makes sense to me.

Eric said...

How the hell do people actually know that drowning is peaceful? Have you ever inhaled a bit of salt water? Even just a tiny amount? It burns.

Maybe if drowning in a vat of bittersweet melted Belgian chocolate... Mmmmm, death.

The Jules said...

Aha! Knew yours would be qirktastic!

Also, as we're possibly figments of your deranged imagination, could you just imagine more money for me. And a bigger penis.

Actually, don't worry about the money. That'll follow naturally.

C. Andres Alderete said...

You had me at "I'm pretty sure that fish know what we're thinking." Nice hook, so to speak. I think I love you.

LiLu said...

Fish creep me out. Yet I adore aquariums. They're sort of like being in one big horror film for me.

<---- WEIRD

Lana said...

i want that colors in your head thing! i tried doing it just now but i think i have color add because they kept changing and making me think about other things with that color.