Thursday, October 22, 2009

First we made it all red and swollen, and then the Queen showed up.

Or, Teaching, the Vic way.

Or, Yesterday, Period One, Freshman English*.

*Curriculum addressed:  Government bureaucracy, multi-cultural awareness, physical education, natural science, law-enforcement procedures, chemistry, biology, sex education, foreign relations, mental illness, spirituality.

*Curriculum not addressed:  English

8 am:  Bell rings. Take roll.  Explain to roomful of fourteen year olds, again, that a research paper requires finding actual information.  Imaginary facts are frowned upon.  Yes, really. Student in back row raises hand- how are we going to use this in the real world?

8:05:  Morning headache begins.  Door opens.  Principal, dressed in suit (bad sign) saunters in, accompanied by district superintendent, also in suit.  Both smile, copy down everything written on board for future scrutiny.  Identical expectant faces.  Impress us, their eyebrows command.

8:10: Open mouth to impress visitors with superior wisdom and teaching technique. Door opens again.  Special education lackey enters.  Surprise!! IEP meeting!  Mandatory attendance, come right away! Forgot to tell you!

8:11:  Leave official guests and sea of vapid teens with lackey to fend for themselves.  Attend IEP meeting. Mother speaks no English.  Use wild hand gestures and loud, loud voice to compensate.  Probably this is effective.

8:22:  Return to classroom just as slightly sweaty officials are escaping.  Open mouth. Say Okay everyone, let’s get…Door opens again. 

Dean of students, police officer, and women with leash (attached to large dog) enter room.

Everybody clear the room! Take nothing with you!  No talking!

8:23 Class led silently from the room.  Students take turns alternately attempting to climb tree outside classroom and stomp to death world’s largest black widow spider.  Meanwhile, inside, dog sniffs all backpacks for Oxycontin. Jim Beam. Plastic explosives. Meatball sandwiches. 

Remember ibuprofen in purse. Hope police pat down is somewhere more private.

8:33  Dog fails to find contraband, leaves room with tail between legs.  Students file in, one with spider attached to shoe.

8:35  Students return to seats.  Door left ajar due to doggy smell in room. Say Let’s try this again.  Open your books to page…

Autistic boy in first row raises hand-  “Check this out!”

Opens book to inside back cover. Displays large, elaborate pen drawing of penis, with heavily-veined scrotum.  Further inspection reveals penis to be of John Holmesian dimensions. 

Students in room silent for first time.  Calm before the storm. All eyes on teacher.

8:37: Sigh. Say Here, take this permanent marker and scribble it out.  Do not look closely at marker grabbed hastily from desk drawer.

8:38:  Student scribbles penis dutifully with marker.  Displays effect proudly for the room.

Penis and scrotum now more distinctly defined than ever, and bright red.  Appears turgid and hot, and somehow springy.

8:39:   Get giggles.  Attempt to stifle giggles and confiscate book simultaneously.  Struggle to regain dignity.  Class erupts in excited babble.

8:42:   Suddenly, many well-dressed individuals walk slowly by open door.  Student next to door cries Hey, it’s Queen Elizabeth!!

Group of adults stops to look in room and then continue.  It is not Queen Elizabeth.  (One of them is, however, the Mayor of London.  England. Come to see the marching band, as you will later learn. Frightening coincidence.)

8:48: Give up.  Instruct students to gather things and pack up. Sit at desk with head cradled in palms of hands.

Hear student approach desk. Look up. Student shyly extends folded paper. Says, I wanted to show you this

Fear it is another penis drawing. Unfold paper.

Worse. 

These are demons that talk to me.  I drew their pictures.  Do you want to know their names?

8:54-  Bell rings. 

One period down, five more to go.

Note:  I attempted to take a picture of the turgid penis for your viewing pleasure, but when I looked later, the page had been ripped out of the book.

41 comments:

The Jules said...

I hope you pointed out to your English students that English people don't generally talk like old Mayor Boris there.

Right, seeing as you didn't get a picture, I'm off to draw a turgid penis with all veins on it on my son's Etch-A-Sketch in compensation.

Possum said...

Two words... VERY funny!
Oh and another two very useful ones that I've added to my list of essential handbag contents...
Hip Flask!

Kurt said...

Brilliant use of "turgid". I was trying to come up with a wordplay like "When things are turgid, you make a turd out out I and G", but it doesn't make sense.

My demons all look like Sha-Na-Na and Nell Carter. True Story.

The Peach Tart said...

I'd need more than the ibuprofen.

Gaston Studio said...

Hilarious, but like The Peach Tart, I'd need much more than ibuprophen.

I want to know how your spotted that tiny spider on the student's shoe! Damn, you gots good eyes.

That Baldy Fella said...

Surely a pretty standard day...

Spooky, you got a visit from our Mayor - the great BoJo the clown!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I think the demons took the penis picture.

Jules said...

Amazing how much can take place in such a short amount of time, huh????

AND I LOVE the Autistic boy!!

just making my way said...

Now I remember why I decided not to become a High School English Teacher! It's because I wouldn't last a day.

erin said...

Are you sick with vertigo again? If not oh my gosh. I think I have to deal with a lot of crap, but at least they're my own kids.

Nanodance said...

Wow! I think that enrollment in teaching programs is going to go up as a result of this post. Hope that our universities are prepared!

kate said...

Sounds like you would make a much cooler English teacher than the one I had in high school...all she used to do was rock her massive cankles in super-squeezy-shoes and giant-tent-like dresses while yelling at us and making us read horrible, horrible books like The Grapes of Wrath (uuuuggggghhhhh. I love the classics, but seriously, John Steinbeck? Just stop it.)

Carolyn...Online said...

And that was the beginning of your day? Eeks. Teachers are still aloud to drink at school, right?

That Kind of Girl said...

Oh my god. This is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Absolutely masterful story.

Also, the line: "Appears turgid and hot, and somehow springy." totally gave me the giggles.

Wow. Amazing.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I was expecting it to come full circle when you discovered the demon kid's drawing was of a giant penis. Giant penis demons, with names, no less. But alas, real life doesn't wrap itself up all neat and tidy like that, with a big red penis demon bow. Sigh.

Vel said...

So, the demons drew the penis picture for Queen Elizabeth, who sent the Mayor of London to fetch the picture for her then? All under the guise of watching a marching band.

Logical Libby said...

This is why I don't teach.

CatLadyLarew said...

Just another boring day at school...

miss. chief said...

uhm...I can't beleive your day. Are you sure that really happened or maybe it was the demons in your head?
I think you are crazy for teaching high school students in the first place. You're mother effing bad-ass, Vic.

msprimadonna67 said...

Oh my. I'd say that you'd have to have made some of this up, but I teach, too, so I know better!

chupacabra said...

Turgid- ha!

LiLu said...

This is why I can't be a teacher.

I could never stifle the giggles.

Ed Adams said...

This is why there should be more school shooting.

Someone needs to thin the herd.

Miss Yvonne said...

Whatever you are getting paid, it's not enough.

Dominica said...

That wouldhave been a climax, that penis !! LOL
I really feel for you, OMG, teaching is a 'vocation' to me !! Praise you Vic !!

diane said...

Could you possibly photograph the picture of Autism boy's demons? I'd like to know if they're related to mine.

Soda and Candy said...

You deserve a medal, Vic.

Shane P said...

This is too damn funny! I have read some of your post and they get better and betterer! :)

ShoesFit said...

This made me laugh out loud! As a teacher I've had rough days, but nothing compared to that condensed period 1 from hell you experienced. Too bad the principal and superintendent weren't there for the penis art show. THAT would have been...interesting. You could have wowed them with your interdisciplinary teaching unit.

@eloh said...

Chapter Two....Next Day 8:01, Autistic boy's mother shows up with angry red penis drawing that teacher had him color the previous day.

Pearl said...

I had the feeling that I had picked the wrong occupation, and now, it is confirmed.

Pearl

Jocelyn said...

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

The GLEE scriptwriters wish they could come up with such a plot--including a very special celebrity guest known as The Mayor of London! WTF, all in all, eh?

I actually didn't think you could top any of that, but the demons ending managed. I kind of can't breathe on your behalf now.

Eidothia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eidothia said...

OMG! Kids are definitely a menace. And what a day for you! Back here, theres a saying that when loosely translated means:
When God gives it to you, he some times tears up the rooftops :P
Guess it was just one of those days!

Prosy said...

has autistic boy been watching Superbad?

Jay Ferris said...

At least your students picked up a couple of new adjectives that day.

linlah said...

I'm glad you teach and craddle your head.

chupacabra said...

Turgid- it's been 6 days since you wrote that. I've cleared a table at the cafe when it crossed my mind and sprayed water on the table then choked myself AND got in trouble with my daughter while she was prattling on about some tragedy she suffered in school when I sat there grinning thinking:
turgid

Fragrant Liar said...

A turgid red penis. Oh, what I miss by not exposing myself to teenagers.

P.S. That's "exposing" as in being in the presence of, not exposing myself, like with a veiny penis or something. That would be sick. Ew.

Maggie May said...

you said turgid penis!!!

sorry. i am clearly 12.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Possibly rethinking the high school credential program.