Wednesday, October 07, 2009

In Which Our Heroine is Confronted With Pure Evil. And a Dangerously High Stack of Junk Mail.

Hello.

Perhaps I seem familiar to you. I used to do a little blogging around here, back in olden times.

A week ago, anyway.

I know I’ve neglected you all shamefully, but couldn’t help it, I had some pressing matters to attend to.

For instance, after I crashed from my candy corn high, I realized my house was on the fast-track to a featured spot on a Very Special Episode of “Hoarders” unless I broke out the cleaning supplies.  So there was that.

Also there was/is the on-going cat situation.  Every night they do an encore performance of the feline Cirque du Soleil in the hallway outside the bedroom where we are attempting to sleep.  The husband, rather than speak sternly to the kittens, is encouraging them by building the world’s most complicated cat condo/scratching post/cabana/trapeze/summer home/carpeted Tower of  Babel.  Pretty soon it will be tall enough for them to see the face of God.   (Their sense of entitlement is epic now that both kittens have Facebook pages.  The Apocalypse is on its way.)

Mostly, though, I have been very busy composing scathing letters in my head to my new nemesis. Sometimes the letters are extra hurtful, because, people, that is just how I roll now.  The beast has been unleashed.

I know.  At first, I, too, was taken off-guard when my arch enemy appeared, because I thought only other people have nemesii.  Nemesises.  Enemies. Not Vic, the Aunt Bea of Blogland, driver of the Partridge Family bus, and yes I know I’m mixing my TV Land references, but it can’t be helped.

And yet, there she was.

Maybe by now it has crossed your mind to wonder what a Nemesis of Vic would look like.

Well, as it happens, my nemesis looks exactly like if they made a Bernadette Peters action figure, only she would be made with an inferior mold so the eyes are extra little and beady, and poorly painted, giving her a slightly cross-eyed stare like Jessica Simpson, and also she would have  black hair.  The lips would look like she had just sucked the head off a sparrow.  That part’s pretty true to life.

My nemesis’s name, of course, is not Bernadette, and I’d use Betty’s name but that would be indiscreet, so we’ll just call her, oh, Fernadette.

Let me explain.

Last weekend I auditioned for  "A Christmas Carol".    I just do it for fun, and to escape my “Hoarders” house, and yet every time I audition for a production, I’m surrounded by divas, of both genders, all of them overly animated and self-conscious, and all “best friends” with the director. This is annoying to normal people.


Also, everyone has been the lead in Wicked or West Side Story, and has stapled expensive head shots to their lengthy resume. Once the resumes have been relinquished, large groups of auditioning actors are herded into the room, where two or three people at a time perform randomly- assigned dramatic readings for the director and everyone else.

My audition went well enough, I thought.  I was especially proud of my reinterpretation of the Ghost of Christmas Past as a disaffected goth teenager, resentful of the time that Scrooge is taking away from her Marilyn Manson sing-a-long time.

So, anyway, after the audition this woman lterally chased me out of the building, tailing me to the car park, huffing and puffing on her four -inch heels.

It was Fernadette.

And then a conversation occurred: 
Fernadette:  "Hey!  Hey you! “ Stops to brush curls from forehead with wrist.  She is winded.   “I heard your reading today."
Me:  "Umm  hmm.  I heard your audition too."  Quizzical Vic eyebrow.
Fernadette:  "Sooo…… What part are you hoping for? Are you auditioning for the Ghost of Christmas Past?
Me:  “Uh…maybe?  Whatever they decide, I guess.  I liked doing the physical comedy last time, so a character part would be fun too.” I turn to unlock my car door. When I turn back, Fernadette is still standing there, expectantly.
Me: “ Oh. Um….so….what about you?  Ghost of Christmas Past?”
Fernadette:  Smirks.  “Oh, yes, of course I am!” (a trill of laughter escapes her pursed action figure lips)
“You know..(thoughtful tooth tap with the end of an acrylic nail)…..I know what you mean about the parts you like.”
Me:  “You do?”  (longing look at inviting car interior)
Fernadette:  “ I always used to enjoy doing character parts too." (Significant Pause)  "I used to be overweight then.  (Long hand flourish up her body)  Now that I'm so thin, I just can't do those parts anymore.” (Sad pout)    “The directors only want to give me the pretty girl parts now.  You're so lucky.”
Oh no, she didn’t.
Fernadette:  “Oh, I have to run!!  Good luck!”
And then she was gone, a blur of hair and claws, up the stairs to the next level, leaving me winded from the sucker punch.

So now it’s on.  I pretty desperately want the director (who’s in my mafia on Facebook, btw.  We’re pretty close) to add a sexy new neighbor for Scrooge.  And then he would give me the part, and I would be so gracious to little poisonous Fernadette and not even laugh when she does her bit as a street beggar.  Who is covered in boils.

Stage make-up, of course.  It would be too much to ask for real boils.

41 comments:

Jessica (Hey Lola) said...

First, it's about time you had a nemesis. I mean, I don't really know how long you've actually been without, but I think everyone should have one. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I have several and I don't want to be alone in that.

Second, holy wow. Fernadette is like, movie worthy nemesis material. I hope you get the part and she winds up in the chorus. In the back. Waaaaaaay in the back.

Mrs Jones said...

Isn't this the sort of scenario Hollywood musicals used to encompass? There's the bitchy pretty one who's always used to getting the lead role, but then there's the plucky 'normal' one who just wants to do her best and enjoy herself, etc., etc., until "Yesterday they told you you would not go far, that night you opened, and there you are. Next day on your dressing room they've hung a star....." You're living the MGM dream, baby!

The Peach Tart said...

She sure sounds like a character and I don't mean that in a good way. Good luck on getting the part you want.

Jules said...

So, where does Fernadette live? I'm ALL OVER this!

Kristine said...

Holy shit, I don't know how the hell you restrained yourself.
Screw the compiling of hate mail. We need work on some back-stage mishaps. Perhaps contamination of makeup/wardrobe.

Miss Yvonne said...

Too bad you can't go back in time and yell some witty comeback at her. Like "Oh yeah? Well, your mom! Boo ya!".

moooooog35 said...

Shit like that is why I only do feature films.

And when I say 'feature films' I mean 'home video shot very poorly with inadequate sound and, for some reason, continuous shots of my right pants pocket.'

Mobius said...

Bwahahahaha... sorry... She's playing the part of a skinny insecure actress bitch...

I would take it less as a put down and more of a "holy shit, I lost all this weight and I STILL can't act... so I will be petty and try to cut the knees out of the people that can."

I've always loved acting stories.

miss. chief said...

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK HER!

that is all

Ed Adams said...

That Bitch!

Same thing happened to me.

Except I was the pretty girl.

Err.....wait....maybe that's not the same thing.


P.S. I made my way over from Steamy's and now I'm following, so no more layoffs missy.

Scandalous Housewife said...

I have an evil nemesis who (fortunately for me) looks like a troll. But she is obsessed with her body and other people's bodies. So I quit the neighborhood foo-foo gym and have been going to a grungy, sneaky gym that all the women who wear burkas go to, and now my evil Troll Nemesis can't understand why I'm getting so fit and trim. I tell her" I can't understand it, either. I eat and eat non stop and I just can't seem to gain an ounce..."

erin said...

After taking acting and vocal lessons for 9 years my parents were horribly disappointed to find that I have debilitating stage fright.
I'm super jealous of you right now! I want to be in a play!

Oh well...Fernadette is a bitch. Let's egg her house!

CatLadyLarew said...

I think the appropriate, mature response would be to post Fernadette's home address, phone number and email address. That way we could each choose our own personal favorite method of flogging her.

Chelle said...

I can't even imagine not having a nemesis. My very own is my ex sister in law (was my bro's wife), now living with my ex husband with their new birdchild in a small mountain town. I am not even making this up. The glory of it all is that her teeth have turned brown. It's the most wonderful thing that has ever happened.

Just A Girl said...

Oh how I love Steamy but I'm leaving her for you (not really but I like to think that would cause drama). Also, I would have been like "Really? Wow god, you ARE a great actress if you think you can pull off 'pretty girl' with that face. I'm so jealous of your mad skillz." Make sure you say skills with a z.

Soda and Candy said...

Oh man. That is like a scene from a mockumentary by the guys who did Spinal Tap and Best in Show.

You need to cut that bitch, seriously.

Dr Zibbs said...

Your new header is awesome!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Ooooh she's a good nemesis. I feel like this is only the beginning, that this battle between Vic and evil will be a long epic blaga. I'm all steamed up now.

Bernadette Peters is a great visual. So much hair to pull. Fake nails to snap backwards. Vic, why am I shaking?

j-face said...

Steamy sent me... ( i was told that would get me into the inner circle. no? ok fine, I like your head work.)

diane said...

Wow, what a B*TCH! Fake boils are too good for her. I think alum in her drinking water would be good. (Don't do that "scared of me" face now, I'm only thinking of you, ya know)

Jay Ferris said...

You should have told her stick-ass that she would be a shoe-in for the lead in next year's production of The Nightmare Before Christmas.

tiki maison said...

I am totally de-lurking to say this. I worked in the theatre for years, and I find the following to be the response. Smile. Blink. Ask "Is this your first show?" If you getting stuttering, or indignance respond. "Hmm. It just seems like you are new to this."

Pearl said...

Nicely done. Your absence is forgiven.

I look forward to how Fernadette pans out. The fact that she fled amidst a flurry of fur and claws? Loved it.

You should ask the kittehs about her. Maybe they know some people who know some kittehs...

Pearl

Taytay said...

I have the same problem. Thinking of something witty and smart-y like as a comeback only days/weeks/months later. Maybe we should write the comebacks for dummies book! I would buy a copy!

Beth said...

I think I went to high school with Fernadette. Who knows? Maybe some strange boil plague settle on her face.

omchelsea said...

i love it. The drama backstage is always so muchun better than on. They could sell premium tix where you could see backstage and on simultaneously.

Silverthorn said...

Excellent!

Vic said...

Jessica,
Maybe having a nemesis means I'm not invisible anymore?
There's more to the Fernadette story now - next post maybe?

Mrs. Jones,
It's funny you said that - my husband is threatening to make a giant yellow construction paper star and tape it to one of the dressing room doors, just to piss her off.
Am I too old to be an MGM ingenue?

Peach,
Thanks! (I usually like people who are characters. Damn that nemesis)

Jules,
I KNEW you'd have my back, Jules. Maybe I can track her on GoogleEarth. Come over before the beat-down though, so we can get some girl time in first.

Kristine,
Ooh, Kristine, you come too! Maybe Steamy knows some way to give the nemesis face-scabies. Can you get those in a makeup jar?

Miss Yvonne,
I can only think of lines that good WAY after the fact. I need you to write some of those down ahead of time for me, for next time.

moog,
Live theater is risky, what can I say? (I have some excellent footage of the palm of my hand. Double feature?)

Mobius,
Women are weird, Mobius, I swear. I still don't get why she followed me - the room was full of talented people she could be insecure about. Easy target? hmm.

miss.chief,
Amen. Are you coming when we put scabies in her makeup? You can sit in the front seat.

Ed,
Glad to have you here! I'll try to be more responsible about my posting *crosses fingers behind back*.
Look at you in your little picture - you ARE pretty!

scandalous,
I like you! So many trolls, so little time. Sigh.

Erin,
Okay, Erin, get in the car, we're heading over there.
It's funny, acting doesn't give me stage fright at all, but I was a music performance major in college and having to SING in public gives me a major nerve attack. It makes no sense. (I bet you're great, though. That's a lot of training you have!)

Catlady,
You're so sensible, as usual. Can we put the GoogleEarth satellite on her?

Vic said...

Chelle,
In the Nemesis Olympics, you won the GOLD. Your SIL and your EX??!!
I'm sorry, yellow teeth is not enough karma. She should be bald too, at the very least.

Just a Girl,
I'd totally love to be a blog-heartbreaker, but Steamy has some killer windmill arms,and you don't want to make her mad. Plus she's hilarious, and you can't miss that.
Can we have joint custody of you?

*skilzzzzzz, skilzzzzz* (practicing)

Soda and Candy,
I thought it was a joke, for a split second, except for no cameras, and who the hell IS she, anyway?
Can I just slap her a little?

Dr.Z,
Thanks Zibbs! It's good to see you. I'm coming by to visit you (been lurking, I'm afraid) so break out the Cheez Whiz and the Ritz crackers.

Steamy,
I noticed she has this great soft, crepey place at the base of her neck where you could get a good purchase with your thumbs...
What?

(thanks for your post today - I got all blushy and aw shucks reading it. Pat your dog for me. Gently.)

j-face,
You're almost in the inner circle. There's still a small initiation ahead if you. Bring a beer hat, and some rubber pants. Then report to Steamy. She'll tell you what to do. Shhh.....

diane,
Please always be my friend, okay? Also, someday when I'm as skinny as the nemesis I want to raid your closet. (putting away the candy corn now.)

Jay,
She SO would have taken that as a compliment, but I'm saving that one as a Hail Mary for the next time. (can you spare a light saber, maybe?)

Tiki,
Thanks for de-lurking! I'm really glad to hear from you - that is a genius response. Definitely would have deflated her had I been smart enough to think of it.
Can you come with me to all the rehearsals? I'm going to need a speechwriter, I think.

Pearly,
Oh, the kittehs know kittehs, they do.

Taytay,
That is an excellent idea. I'm serious. Comebacks for Dummies. With special "help for introverts" section in the back, like a glossary.
I'm all over that. Start thinking.

Beth,
I'd even settle for a nasty breakout. Anything. (It's good to see you here :)

omchelsea,
Like "Noises Off", only without the negligees, and with extra cattiness. Have you seen that?

Or they could just make the green room in the back walled with one-way mirrors. The actors could be like a zoo exhibit backstage.

Silverthorn,
Thank you! (and hello!)

The Jules said...

Pretty you say?

So, can you get me Fernadette's number?

Kurt said...

Real boils are God's way of saying "You aren't THAT pretty. Settle Down." That's in the Bible, I'm pretty sure. Book of FishStickicus, I think.

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm a firm believer in speaking firmly to cats and disaffected teenagers. Sounds to me like the Nemesis deserves some firm words too.

And as for the letters in your head, here are a few of my favourite words and phrases that I always include in head-letters that you may want to grab:

Imbecile
Intellectual suicide
Twat
Incompetence
Incognizant
...
(That'll do for now)

Carolyn...Online said...

You don't want to release real boils. That just gets all epidemicy. Besides, she's already got the fake stripper nail thing going on. Life will not be kind to Fernadette.

just making my way said...

It's true - what Carolyn...Online said. You know that bouncy broad is bound to trip in those stilettos one of these days. I just hope you're there to record it on your phone and post it on facebook!

bikramyogachick said...

I JUST found your blog today via steam me up kid. You are hilarious! Love you blog!

Captain Dumbass said...

It's good to have a nemesis, keeps you on your game.

Prosy said...

I think maybe Scrooge's ex fiance was hot?...its totally in the bag for you Vic. I think Fernadette would make a great singing mouse. If they reinterpreted the Muppets version

msprimadonna67 said...

Wow!!! What a charmer...

Dingo said...

So, she only gets Pretty Girl parts? Is she Mrs. Potato Head? What parts does she get? Did he give her someone's lips last time? Maybe someone's right eye? If the director keeps giving her pretty girl parts she might actually be pretty one day and get rid of that whole cross eyed look.

@eloh said...

This is going to be damn good blog fodder.

Could you add a blog feature of the time/date of the next expected Ferdy sighting?

Nanodance said...

I disagree. Real boils would be ok to ask for.