But not a leprechaun on a bus, because that would be silly.
Also it would be lacking in magic and pomp, because these days we are entirely too politically correct, and even if He got on a bus in his leprechaun body, holding a pot of gold under one arm and tapping his shillelagh on the fare box, everyone on the bus would just look straight ahead. In case someone caught them staring and then lectured them about cultural sensitivity and treating little people with dignity. Only inside, they’d all be thinking look at the crazy midget in the yellow tights and curly shoes! I’ve got to stop riding the city bus, and God would know they thought that.
I’m not sure where I was going with this.
Probably what I’m trying to say is sometimes I think the Big Leprechaun in the Sky enjoys messing with us.
For instance, remember my nemesis? The one that chased me down to tell me she can only get the “pretty parts” in theater productions because she’s so thin, thereby clearly implying that I am hideously fat and unattractive and specially suited for the “jolly” parts? The one that is BFF’s with the director? The one I may or may not have wished would wake up bald?
Cast lists were posted a couple of days ago. If this were my own John Hughes-style movie (or “Camp Rock” for you younger readers)featuring myself as the spunky underdog (note to self: stop using the word ‘spunky’ ) I would nervously approach the paper pinned all crookedy to the bulletin board, and there would be my name next to the lead part! What an unforeseen turn of events causing unbearable envy in my nemesis!
So I’d be Scrooge. Maybe not.
Or I’d nervously approach the crookedy list, and there I’d be, next to the pretty part!* - The Ghost of Christmas Past! Oh yeah!Take that Fernadette!
I did get a part. Parts. I’m Mrs. Fezziwig. And a blind beggar. And also someone called “Raucous Lady” which calls to mind tropical birds. Mrs. Fezziwig sounds important, but in this version she has only one line about boiled dinner and then she cleans up a lot. I do get to fall down as the beggar, so it’s clear they went with my strengths this time around. AND I beat out thirty other women for these coveted spots. Apparently.
But what about Fernadette? I hear you all asking. Surely she wasn’t cast as the GOCP? Say it isn’t so!
Maybe that would have happened if God were my own personal leprechaun sadist, but it turns out he’s an equal-opportunity prankster.
Fernadette didn’t get a part. No part. Zippo. Too pretty, I guess.
Instead the director told her she could be a caroler if she wanted. The carolers have to trudge up and down the local outdoor mall dressed in bonnets and woolen capes in 80 degree heat singing Christmas carols, thereby inducing sudden Christmas spirit in shoppers at the Anchor Blue store, and propelling them into the theater. No word on whether she accepted so far.
My favorite thing of all, though, (after picturing Fernadette’s springy afro jammed into a bonnet), is the casting of the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The director gave the “pretty part” to a woman who is 6’2”, nearly 300 pounds, and has a voice like a drill sergeant.
I kind of love that little director man.
* I have a picture of the last Ghost of Christmas Past having excessive smoke blown up her…angel robes. Fog machine went a little berserk. It happens. Good one, Holy Leprechaun Father.
I think I might be going to Hell now.
*nobo-dy calling on the pho-o-ne….’cept for the Pope maybe in Rome…*