Tuesday, October 13, 2009

It’s like that song about God riding the bus, only instead I picture a leprechaun.

But not a leprechaun on a bus, because that would be silly.

Also it would be lacking in magic and pomp, because these days we are entirely too politically correct, and even if He got on a bus in his leprechaun body, holding a pot of gold under one arm and tapping his shillelagh on the fare box, everyone on the bus would just look straight ahead. In case someone caught them staring and then lectured them about cultural sensitivity and treating little people with dignity.  Only inside, they’d all be thinking look at the crazy midget in the yellow tights and curly shoes! I’ve got to stop riding the city bus, and God would know they thought that.

I’m not sure where I was going with this.

Probably what I’m trying to say is sometimes I think the Big Leprechaun in the Sky enjoys messing with us.
For instance, remember my nemesis?  The one that chased me down to tell me she can only get the “pretty parts” in theater productions because she’s so thin, thereby clearly implying that I am hideously fat and unattractive and specially suited for the “jolly” parts? The one that is BFF’s with the director? The one I may or may not have wished would wake up bald?

Well.

Cast lists were posted a couple of days ago.  If this were my own John Hughes-style movie (or “Camp Rock” for you younger readers)featuring myself as the spunky underdog (note to self:  stop using the word ‘spunky’ ) I would nervously approach the paper pinned all crookedy to the bulletin board, and there would be my name next to the lead part! What an unforeseen turn of events causing unbearable envy in my nemesis!

So I’d be Scrooge.  Maybe not.

Or I’d nervously approach the crookedy list, and there I’d be, next to the pretty part!* -  The Ghost of Christmas Past!  Oh yeah!Take that Fernadette!

Nope.

I did get a part.  Parts. I’m Mrs. Fezziwig.  And a blind beggar.  And also someone called “Raucous Lady” which calls to mind tropical birds.  Mrs. Fezziwig sounds important, but in this version she has only one line about boiled dinner and then she cleans up a lot.  I do get to fall down as the beggar, so it’s clear they went with my strengths this time around. AND I beat out thirty other women for these coveted spots. Apparently.

But what about Fernadette? I hear you all asking.  Surely she wasn’t cast as the GOCP?  Say it isn’t so! 

Maybe that would have happened if God were my own personal leprechaun sadist, but it turns out he’s an equal-opportunity prankster.

Fernadette didn’t get a part. No part. Zippo. Too pretty, I guess.

Instead the director told her she could be a caroler if she wanted.  The carolers have to trudge up and down the local outdoor mall dressed in bonnets and woolen capes in 80 degree heat singing Christmas carols, thereby inducing sudden Christmas spirit in shoppers at the Anchor Blue store, and propelling them into the theater.  No word on whether she accepted so far.

My favorite thing of all, though, (after picturing Fernadette’s springy afro jammed into a bonnet), is the casting of the Ghost of Christmas Past.

The director gave the “pretty part” to a woman who is 6’2”, nearly 300 pounds, and has a voice like a drill sergeant.

I kind of love that little director man.

* I have a picture of the last Ghost of Christmas Past having excessive smoke blown up her…angel robes.  Fog machine went a little berserk.  It happens.  Good one, Holy Leprechaun Father.  

I think I might be going to Hell now.  

*nobo-dy calling on the pho-o-ne….’cept for the Pope maybe in Rome…*

29 comments:

Kez said...

Hahaha. Sucked in Fernadette!
:)

Jules said...

Hee hee! I hope Fernadette takes the caroler part so she can stew in the watching of you in your MANY parts!!!!!!

I never pictured God that way before. No wonder I have no interest. What with my dislike of leprechauns and midgets and all.....

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, got Fernadette good. Picturing God as George Burns or Morgan Freeman isn't difficult for me, but a short, dumpy little guy stretches my imigination to the breaking point. Then again, He could truly have a lot of fun as one.

Ed Adams said...

Leprechaun, no. I picture more of a giant bright being with a voice like James Earl Jones.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Haha Fernadette, you beyotch!

From now on I will always use a capital He when discussing leprechauns.

Apryl's Antics said...

I would be trying to keep my kids from pointing at the leprechaun and embarassing me because I haven't had the discussion with them about leprechauns on buses, yet.

Neener neener, Fernadette!

Chelle said...

If God had a name, would it be Dobby?
And would we call it to his face?
If you were faced with him
Would you ask for his his lucky charms
if you had just one question?

*And yeah, yeah, Dobby is great
Yeah, yeah, Dobby is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

What if Dobby was one of us?
Smoked a cob like some of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If Dobby had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that
you would have to believe
in things like rainbows and in pigmies and the saints... and all the jackpots?

Trying to make his way home
Back to the Blarney stone
Nobody calling on the phone
Because I don't think leprechauns have phooones....


You're welcome.

Logical Libby said...

I married my husband because I thought he was a leprechaun. Turns out the term "pot of gold" was a euphemism.

miss. chief said...

TAKE THAT BEOTCH! YAYAYAHAHAHAAAA
That's great. I'm also glad you get to fall down. It sounds like fun.

erin said...

Wait a second, now that you've just outed me to the whole blog world...I'm not 6'2''...I'm only 5'11''!

Ha. Sometimes I wish I were actually that tall. I'm a smidge under 5'3'' in real life. But here on your blog I'm actually almost 5'4''...magic.
Must be all that leprechaun spludge...I mean fairy dust?

CatLadyLarew said...

Fernadette got what was coming to her!

Just A Girl said...

Oh man telling her she can be a caroler "if she wants" is even more insulting than just not giving her a part at all. It's like "Well we didn't want you in the actual play but I guess you can go carol if you want. If not, it's cool, anyone else could replace you."

That's what you GET Fernadette!

chupacabra said...

As for "the pretty part" maybe someone should check the springs on the casting couch- just to be sure the director is on the 'up and up'.

Soda and Candy said...

Muahahahahhaa. Casting joy.

And yes, even in small towns the rule on the bus is Eyes Forward, No Sharing Seats Unless Absolutely Necessary. Even God would be ignored on the bus.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

It IS a John Hughes movie! It just doesn't happen to be YOUR John Hughes movie. Sargeant Sasquatch is Molly Ringwald, and you're maybe Jake Ryan's girlfriend who gets her hair stuck in the door and has to be freed with scissors.

I always end up the co-star in somebody else's John Hughes movie. Usually I'm Long Duck Dong, though.

linlah said...

that's some pretty great karma.

Possum said...

Yeeeha!! Sweet justice!!
Break a leg.

And remember...there's no such thing as a small part; just small actors!

Miss Yvonne said...

OMG, you are soooo Jake Ryan's girlfriend! No wait. You're more like Molly Ringwald's best friend...whatever her name was. With the dark hair and the cool boyfriend that snapped his fingers at Farmer Ted and was all "She's totally serious, asswipe."

sigh. I love that movie.

What were we talking about again?

The Jules said...

Spunky underdog?

Ew.

moooooog35 said...

After describing that chick, I think I've had sex with the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Somehow this HAS to be part of six degrees of Kevin Bacon, right?

Pearl said...

HA! Fernadette was too pretty to get the part! ha ha!

Pearl

Jay Ferris said...

Wow. Most people usually get to be famous for a little while before getting thrown out on the street to sell their body.

Then again, karma's a bitch to those who believe in it.

diane said...

Your director's name wouldn't be John Waters, would it? Because it totally sounds like it. You know, that drill sergeant lady might be a guy, like Divine. So in that case, what could possibly be cooler than Fernadette being "dissed" by John Waters? Awesome.
Hope you don't get stage fright, btw, although that might work to your advantage with the part of the beggar.

Prosy said...

You are going to kill as a beggar. Metaphorically I hope.

truestarr said...

Congratulations on landing the parts! So sad about poor Fernadette, apparently she missed that thing about HAVING character as opposed to being one.

I have presented you with an Award...please come over to my blog to collect it. You deserve it!

/Jessica (aka Truestarr)

Nimble said...

Damn! This post made me laugh. As Mrs. Fezziwig in a high school production I got to polka in a fat suit. It was fun if not exactly starlet material.

May the Leprechaun smile on you.

just making my way said...

I'd say you won this particular war against the nemesis. Picturing God as a leprechaun is pretty good - better then a naked Alanis Morissette anyway.

@eloh said...

I can;t wait for the next time you run into Fernadette!

Do give her our condolences, won't you?

Margo said...

remember when Charlize Theron played that really unattractive person? Fernie - if she could act at all could have done that.