Monday, October 19, 2009

One Year Closer to Death, but at least I don’t smell like urine. Yet.

It’s my birthday today.

Let me try that again.

It’s my birthday today!!!  (Cue release of helium balloons and singing waiters)

Don’t even ask how old I am, because apparently I don’t know.

Turns out, according to my know-it-all husband, I am a year older than I thought I was.  He was  all smirky-faced when he told me, especially during the part right after I finished counting years on my fingers and looking up with a Whaaa?? expression, the part where he casually reminded me he is fourteen months younger than me. Which might make me some kind of cougar, I’m not sure.  An Alzheimer’s cougar.

I don’t know what I’m doing to celebrate.  Probably checking the batteries in my Life Alert.  Eating Almond Roca while wearing a fuchsia polyester pantsuit with suntan knee-high hose. Ordering a commemorative Bob Hope plate off the Home Shopping Network.

The usual birthday hoopla.

Also a satyr wearing eye-liner and horns glued to his head at the Halloween Store tried to pick me up on Wednesday, so I’ve definitely still got it, right?

Birthdays are good because people give you stuff.  Like, my dentist sent a postcard saying “Happy Birthday!  It’s time to schedule a cleaning!” because he knows I am extra good at plaque, and not so good at flossing.  Also I am probably getting the flu from my daughter soon, since she’s been sick with it all week, and there goes my swinging party lifestyle (Almond Roca, anyone?).

I got a title, too.  I am now officially “Co-Dance-Captain”.  Of the Christmas Carol Fezziwig dancers.  Even better is that I can’t dance, despite my couch-bound passion for So You Think You Can Dance, but it’s okay, because it’s just a bunch of couples doing a lurching, thundering polka-thing around the stage in hoop skirts and Victorian suits.  It’s not interpretive dance.  I got the job because my partner can dance and he also shouts things like “Allemande left!” and “Do-se-do!” while throwing me around the floor, and I haven’t fallen down yet. I’m practically a professional dancer, I think you could say.

I’m not sure about my duties, but I’m definitely making myself a “Co-Captain” name tag, or a trucker hat so people will recognize my importance.

The coolest thing I’ve gotten so far came from Lana, who sent me a T-shirt in the mail after I won her contest. It’s got a picture of a pickle’s ass:
pickleface picklebehind
I’m wearing it to work today. With my pantsuit.

45 comments:

The Jules said...

Loving the idea of the final flirt.

"Ooh, that's a big scythe. And . . . is that bone? Oh you . . ."

Jules said...

Happy Birthday, Old Lady! I wish I'd have known.... I'd have sent some Metamucil!

And a muumuu! Everyone your age needs a muumuu. Even though, I'm quite sure you're younger than me....

Anyway, Enjoy!

Kez said...

Happy birthday!!!!
:)

Gaston Studio said...

Happy birthday sweetie!

Who cares how old you are? Growing old(er) gracefully is where it's at!

Maelstrom said...

Happy Birthday!

Gregory said...

Happy birthday :)

The Peach Tart said...

Happy Birthday. I so love the tan knee stockings look.

Kurt said...

Happy Happy Birthday, Vic!

I'd say something super nice and complimentary about how very young you look but the branch of the family tree I'm from is the socially inept, reclusive, asshole branch. It's not really a branch at all. More like a dried up knot of squirrel crap.

But Happy Happy Birthday, Vic!!

Lana said...

happy birthday!!! and your real age can totally be arbitrary, i've been 25 for the better part of a decade now.

glad you liked the pickle tushy :)

Mandy's Kidding said...

A pickle should not have an asscrack.

Happy Birthday.

just making my way said...

Happy Birthday! I try to ignore all the age-related blah-blah that goes along with birthdays and just eat a lot of cake.

moooooog35 said...

I'd say 'Happy Birthday' but I'll have to do it after I come back from returning your pickle ass shirt that I got you.

Unreal.

miss. chief said...

Happy birthday. Oh, and don't you know that once you log, oh I think it's 20 hours, on the couch watching so you think you can dance, that makes you a professional dancer?
After ten you are able to become a dance routine critic.

diane said...

You've made it over the major hurdle of aging: Talking about one thing, and then sliding into a completely different subject that has nothing to do with the first one. Congratulations.
Wish I had a photo of you in that hoop skirt, haha.

Seriously, I can't believe it's your birthday. I'm a little sad, because I would love to send you a card/gift, but I don't know where. That's one of the things about blogger buddies that bugs me. Anyways, it would probably be one of those funny cards making fun of your age, and how much joking can you take, so you don't really need a card like that. But Happy Birthday Vic! I hope you have a wonderful pampered day. xo

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Ladies and gentlemen...the Christmas Carol Fezziwig Dancers...

Why do I keep saying that? It's just so catchy. Then I imagine Kermit running out from behind the curtain with his floppy champion arms yelling "Yaaaaaayyyy!"

Clearly, I'm still asleep.

Happy Birthday!! You do look super young. I think you said you were older than me at some point, but next to you I look like maybe I've been livin a hard life on the rails, eatin beans and skippin town and droppin my g's. What's your secret, Vic? *chin in hands*

CatLadyLarew said...

Happy Birthday, Vic! I'll toast you more formally this evening!

And my word verification today is "juggy"... in your honor, since I'm sure you're still juggy and not saggy anywhere.

Tiffany said...

I just turned 30. I start my day peeing every 5 minutes before leaving the house for fear I've lost some bladder control.

Love your blog...Happy birthday!

truestarr said...

Happy Birthday and may you have many many more, now that you know your "true" age...

The word picture gift I will remember forever: "An Alzheimer’s cougar". Brilliant. Thank you.

Jay Ferris said...

You're like a fine wine that gets better with age. And by "better" I of course mean "crazier". But don't worry, that looks good on you too.

Soda and Candy said...

Happy birthday! I hate you and your smooth skin.

; )

Margo said...

I don't know how old I am either!You're only as young as you feel. Many days that means I'm over 80. Hope you have a great day. I'm sure you will get many compliments on that pickle shirt. xoxoxo

Dr Zibbs said...

Happy B-day Vic!

Wow, that was awkward said...

You are totally the object of the boys' desire as they all jam Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher", aren't you. Age schmage, but happy birthday anyway!

Ed Adams said...

Happy Birthday Vic.

You know you're getting old,
When your libido begins to mold,
Now it's crowsfeet and saggy bust, and farts accompanied by dust.

I just made that shit up for you.

Feel special, damn it.

injaynesworld said...

This year I turned 60 and celebrated by having a pair of puckered lips (because only one lip would be weird) tattooed on my ass. Happy freakin' birthday.

Rebekah said...

The satyr got it right - happiest of...whatever-mumble-number Birthdays!

msprimadonna67 said...

Hope your birthday was a fabulous one! How could it not be, what with all the eye-liner-wearin' satyrs standing in line to hit on you...

C.B. Jones said...

Tell me, are there gatherings of Alzheimer’s cougars who like to watch football? Should I walk around, holding a jar of pickles in hopes of meeting one?

chupacabra said...

You don't smell like urine?

What a turn off.

Happy birthday.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Happy Birthday! Is it bad that I'm kinda jealous of the pickle's ass?

Jocelyn said...

Could you maybe tuck the legs of your pantsuit into a pair of boots that have long zippers up the side? Just as kind of a "Charlie's Angels Throwback Bit of Birthday Weirdness"?

Oh, all right. It's late, and your birthday is almost over. But you're still older, no matter the hour.

And you're still the funniest damn thing I read.

Vic said...

Dear Everyone,

It's only a matter of minutes until I slide into my birthday-cake induced sugar coma, and I wanted to say thank you!! to everyone for the birthday wishes, and the laughs (both yesterday and today.)

I am a failed comment responder,but I read all your comments and love them like small chicks gathered to my bosom.

You are all my favorite. Truly.

Cynthia L. H. said...

Happy Birthday, Vic!!!
:^)
October 19th is my daughter's birthday, too. Her husband took her to the U2 concert in Dallas and I drove down to babysit my grandkids (last week.)

Ooohhh! ;^) ...another piece of Almond Roca, please.
;^)

Miss Yvonne said...

Happy Birthday! Enjoy your smooth face and flirty teenagers...I'm so jealous. I can't even tell you how much. None of my teenage sons friends flirt with me. Even when I'm wearing a bra. Dang it.

Mr. Charleston said...

Judging from the carryings on of The Peach Tart's mother over at the Waiting for Jesus Towers, I'd say you've got a lot of parties in front of you.

Jules said...

But I'm REALLY your favorite, right.... You can tell me.

Vic said...

Jules,
(sshhhh....don't tell the others, or I'll have to buy them all puppies.)

Eidothia said...

Stumbled on here on ur birthday... and I can say I am hooked Vic. And I so totally get the Nemesis part. God has his own sense of humor I tell you. He always, always gets even in his own funny way!

p.s: Please can someone send me this pickle ass too? :P

That Baldy Fella said...

Belated happy non-urine smelling birthday! (Any birthday taht doesn;t smell of urine is a happy one, I'd say)

erin said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DO-SE-DOER!

I missed this post, somehow. I will make it up to you...by doing a little dance that you can't see....here I go!

linlah said...

I had to be corrected on my age this year also, but I refuse to believe I'm that old.

Nanodance said...

Happy Birthday!

Your family is a lot like mine. We look way younger than we are. And we get colon cancer.

Carolyn...Online said...

I don't even know when you wrote this so it's probably way past your actual birthday and now you're even older so almost dead. Crank up the oxygen and boogie down grandma. Hope you had a nice birthday!

Jocelyn said...

I have come back to be a little soppy: since I admire you so hugely as a writer, what you said in your comment has made. my. day.

And it's 11 p.m., so there were a lot of other chances for my day to be made my now.

CaJoh said...

To quote TMBG: "You're older than you've ever been and now you're even older"

Saw your blog on Google Reader as a suggestion. Like it, reading you now. Happy Birthday!