Monday, November 30, 2009

At least I’ll have fire-eating to fall back on. You know, if the acting thing doesn’t work out.

I have terrible blog guilt.

It’s been way too long since I’ve been around, I know.  (Insert deeply shamed head bow here.)

I feel like that guy in the news that put his kids in the trunk and then went to do a little shopping.  I only planned to be gone for a few minutes, and Whoops!  I got distracted by shiny things and you’re all still in the trunk, and maybe you’ll still love me after  your brains get some oxygen and I get you back from foster care, but maybe not, who knows?

I don’t even know where I’ve been exactly.  Just….needed a breather, I guess.  We could pretend I was doing soul-expanding yoga on a mountain top somewhere, if you want, with a swami guy, and Richard Gere.  I definitely did NOT sit on the couch all Thanksgiving break, eating large amounts of pie and scratching, and dressing the cats in little outfits.    (Did I say that I missed you all?  I did.)

So here I am!  Hopefully this is a good thing.

Some things that have happened in my absence are:
  • my husband bought a bullhorn off Ebay.  He giggles worryingly whenever he mentions a new feature of the horn he’s discovered, such as that it plays “La Cucaracha” at a high volume. I’m probably going to have to break it at some point.
  • my husband bought me a blow torch, also off Ebay.  For my birthday.  I think I forgot to mention this somehow.  I shook the package and felt liquid moving.  I made a little joke about getting a propane tank for my birthday. Haha. He said, “Of course it’s not a propane tank!…….It’s a different kind of fuel!” 
I should explain that a blow torch had not been on my birthday wish list, so SURPRISE!, but I think now with the bullhorn and the blowtorch we may be equipping ourselves for the circus.
  • I dreamt two nights ago that I was running a bed and breakfast.  Business was good until I discovered that some guy on the third floor was kidnapping people and draining all their blood out while they were alive.  I was really mad that I had to do all that laundry, because there was a lot of blood on those sheets, and once blood sets it’s really a laundry challenge.  Then last night I dreamt that my director tried to kiss me. The second dream was creepier.
  • I have been very busy becoming other people.  Not like Chastity Bono.  Just a blind lady, Mrs. Fezziwig, and other assorted loud Victorian women.   Christmas Carol opens on Friday, and tech week started today, which is also known as Hell Week, and for good reason. For instance, we have dress rehearsals every night this week until eleven. I have five costume changes to figure out.  Sometimes I change quickly in the hall.  Also the sets are huge, and if you don’t watch where you’re going, you could actually be killed.  Fernadette, my nemesis, has reappeared in her caroler’s bonnet and  perpetual sneer.  She watches me from the other side of the stage, but I just put on my Annie Sullivan glasses and pretend she’s not there. 
I realized tonight that I am paying for all my harsh judgment of blind stalkers on this blog.  Turns out that seeing anything from behind those dark glasses is really hard!  Especially when you are on stage, and the lighting is all swirly-foggy, and you’re supposed to say your blind lady lines right at the edge of the stage, after you’ve walked hunched over wearing the dark glasses and a petticoat that drags under your shoes periodically.  I haven’t yet cartwheeled into the orchestra pit, but it’s just a matter of time.
Also I have to wear a horrible grey wig for another scene, and I’ve been experimenting with old lady makeup.  According to the helpful Old Lady Face Diagram I got at the costume store, it’s easy!  Just a little contouring and shadow, and sallow yellow stipple and age spots, and sunken eyepits, and wrinkles.
Simple.
Last night I spent an hour and a half in the bathroom dabbing and stippling, and frowning at myself to find my forehead creases, and pursing my lips to create old lady smoker lines with an eye pencil.  Then I stood back to look. It’s like getting a horrific glimpse of the future you.  Hopefully far, far, into the future, but possibly next year when I am an old crone with a face like a shrunken head.
So I figure I did some excellent makeup work, because when I came out of the bathroom, my husband said “Ahhh!!  Jeee--sus!!” like you do when someone sneaks up behind you playfully with a large snake and dangles it just at eye level with its fangs exposed.
The dog averted his eyes tactfully. 
Also my Mrs. Fezziwig dress is too big in the bodice which means when I lean over to take the tray of fake candied apples (which are going to go into the orchestra pit too at some point) the audience will be getting an eyeful of old lady boob.   
This week is going to be a little crazy with the thespianism, so I promise to come by and see you all at your blogs (because I really did miss you all) soon, just maybe not for another couple of days, unless I find a free minute or two somewhere between makeup sessions and hiking up my bodice.
In the meantime, forget I said that thing about dressing up the cats, okay? 
Thanks, you’re the best.  I mean that.

29 comments:

Kurt said...

Welcome Back Vic! You were totally missed and not in that "I'll say 'I miss you' because it's the right thing to do but really *shrug*" way, I mean in the actual "I really missed you!" way.

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Whew, I joined your followers and you disappeared...I was afraid it was something I said! Welcome back.

The Peach Tart said...

glad you're back. sounds like you have an exciting week.

Gaston Studio said...

Welcome back Vic!

Obviously, you've been very busy and since "it's that time of year" I'm sure you'll remain busy like the rest of us, so don't apologize, ever.

Next time you're going to dress up like a little old lady, just let me know and I'll send my latest photo.

CatLadyLarew said...

Yay! Vic is back... wielding a blow torch! If my ex had given me one of those for my birthday, we might still be married! Or not.

Have fun with the play!

Carolyn...Online said...

I know you're busy being a blind old lady with a costume malfunction but I have to know what the blow torch is for.

diane said...

We put hats on my son's girlfriend's cat on Thanksgiving. I have no photographic evidence, as the cat was extremely uncooperative about having it's picture taken like that, I can't imagine why.
Break a leg. (not really, break that jealous b*tch's leg)

Prosy said...

I'll forget about the cats if you forget about the fact that I spent a whole day playing scrabble on my phone.

kate said...

Well, the good news is that when you DO decide to dispose of the bullhorn, you can totally use your blowtorch - then your husband can't get mad because you can be all like "but, honey! I loved my birthday present so much that I just HAD to use it. You're the best." Then maybe he won't get you blowtorches for your birthday anymore, either. It's a win-win.

Soda and Candy said...

I heart you Vic. Don't flash too much old lady boob at theatregoers.

Glad you came back, I loved this post!

erin said...

I missed you too. Although I'm nervous for you...ebay addicted partners are dangerous and often volatile. I'll watch your back yo.

Char said...

My god girl, slow down before you combust! fun post...welcome back.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

YAY!! *Hoppity skippity clappities*

You know everything will be forgiven by us trunk babies if you just post pictures, right?

I LOVE bullhorns. I had one in my classroom to use during loud crowded field trips, but I used it several times in the classroom too, when I got tired or stir crazy. During rug-time, I'd hold it to my mouth and talk in the quietest whisper ever. It was fun.

The other good part is that those teacher-sighs that normally go unnoticed by young children who are not practiced in the subtle art of dramatic breath-interpretation? Bullhorns are great for that. That's a life skill if I ever saw one. A lot of those boys are going to grow up and marry passive-aggressive women, and when they do, they'll thank me.

You can tell I missed you huh? On account of the babbling.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I wonder if your hub would appreciate the irony if you took the blow torch to the bullhorn.

@eloh said...

Ahhh, such a relief, it was the stage lights and roar of the crowd.... I was so afraid I'd see you in the news... having run off with an Edwardy looking student.

I knew better of course... but it did cross my mind.

"Where is Vic? What has happened to Vic?"

just making my way said...

Yay! You're back!

Luckily, when you do decide to take out that bullhorn once and for all, you can conveniently melt it into a big pile of plastic.

Break a leg!

Jules said...

THAT totally explains your absence! A blow torch AND a bullhorn! Good God! I'm sure you're way to busy yelling shit at people and setting things on fire.

How about some of the white stuff from next door???

The Jules said...

You're a Victorian crone now.

The correct term is Boot, not trunk.

You put your children in the boot!

Now, tell me more of your Mrs Fezziwig costume. It arouses me.

Cynthia L. H. said...

Wow! I love your blog...and yes, I'm not afraid to say that I've missed you. (Oh, Most Amazing Sunglasses Twin...)
You are the only person I know who can write about car-trunks, shiny things, yoga, swamis, Richard Gere, cats in little outfits, bullhorns, blow-torches, bed and breakfasts, blood, thespianism, Chastity Bono, Mrs. Fezziwig, and old-lady boobs, ALL together and Whew!....AND... it all makes sense.
Yikes!
;^) ;^0

diane said...

My god girl, you were surely missed! Look at all of these adoring comments. I just had to come back and read all of them. It's great how many of us want you to melt the bullhorn with the blowtorch, it's like "collective consciousness". Cool.

Vic said...

Kurt,
I missed you too. I remember when I found your blog the first time, and I was all "YES! This guy makes my day." You still do.

Blissed Out GM,
Great name, by the way! I'm so glad you waited around a bit- I would have hated to miss getting to know you.

Peachy,
Nice to be back - and good to see you. :)

Gaston Studio,
You are gorgeous, so I'm not buying the little old lady routine..

CatLady,
Thanks for the welcome back! I didn't know you were a fan of blow torches. I could probably get you a good deal on a barely-used one...

Carolyn,
But it's more fun to speculate isn't it? I seriously don't know what the bull horn is for, but he did explain the blow torch. Maybe my next post..

diane,
Cats can be so cranky about accessories.
I think the nemesis stole my snood. We need to take her down.

Prosy,
I love playing Scrabble on my phone! Except it seems tinier and tinier lately. Probably my screen is shrinking.

Kate,
I have some safety goggles too (came in the box) so I'm good for melting the bullhorn. Wanna help?

Soda and Candy,
I heart you too. I do.

erin,
My husband seriously needs an Ebay intervention. - I loved seeing pictures of your mom! (and your one real child...:)

Char,
Thanks, Char! I'm trying to slow down, but it's going to be a long week.

Steamy,
Your babbling makes my day. Always. And I need your address again so I can send you one hardly used bullhorn. It has a classical music setting too, so you can totally be refined and cultured while you're yelling at strangers at Starbucks. When you do, can I come?

Wow, twa,
He would laugh, at first, and later I would find other household items melted. It's a pattern I don't want to start.

@eloh,
My students are very nice, but....ew. Little boys don't interest me, even if they're all broody and sparkly.
It's good to see you too!

just making my way,
Wow,I have a bunch of pyros on this blog! I knew I had all the most fun readers here. I need to buy more blow torches and have a little blog party.

Jules,
If I set the white stuff on fire I think I might blow up gazing ball man's house. Hmmm...... no more crocodiles and madonnas.....

The Jules,
Silly Jules. There's no way you can fit a child into a boot. A baby, maybe, but only if the boot belonged to a man with very large feet.

Tonight I wore a steel-grey wig and a muslin petticoat. Rawr.

Cynthia,
Thanks! Now you know what the inside of my brain is like.

diane,
I'm so grateful for this blog community. It's a mutual admiration society. Now. When are you going to post some two-tone hair pictures on your blog? You could start a whole new trend.

diane said...

Vic, I already sort of kind of fixed my hair color, so you missed that fiasco. Although the marbled effect on the back of my head is kind of cool. not.
If you find an address for e-bay intervention, could you pass it on? No, seriously. pass it on.

snood? *snort*

msprimadonna67 said...

Wow--a bullhorn and a blow torch? You guys don't mess around when it comes to gift-giving!

Fragrant Liar said...

Sheesh, it's about time you let me out of the trunk! Missed you, Vic!

Kez said...

Again, you crack me up as if your absence never happened.
:)
Sometimes when I'm grumpy I try not to laugh at your posts. But I always do.

linlah said...

I've always wanted a bullhorn so I could tell the neighbor dogs to be quiet.

Michelle said...

Hi VIC!!

Remember me?? I miss you lady!!!

Whatcha up to???

Jocelyn said...

I've missed you like a Fezziwiggin' mo-fo, babes.

Next time you do make-up: just take the blow torch to your face. That right there is the equivalent of three decades' smoking.

Margo said...

Hope your run is going well. Is that something show people say - "run"? And hey, at least your contouring is related to make-up and not bad lighting. I look 12 in my own bathroom, but as for what happens outside - I just don't want to think about it. Having a tactful dog sure helps! Miss you! Don't disappear forever!
verification word: "cheda" - something I've been eating too much of