Tuesday, November 03, 2009

UPDATE: I’m pretty sure I have an extra-spongy brain. It’s absorbent. Not like those bargain brands.

“If the last hair in line at the back of your nose had a hand, it could slap you in the brain,” said my son, while industriously smashing down the innards of his baked potato with a fork.

“That’s disgusting,” my daughter said, and demonstrated how she, also, could slap him in the brain.
A brief scuffle ensued.  Threats were issued.  Conversation continued.

We were talking about swine flu shots.  Actually, not the shot, but the Flu Mist, which the literature says is perfectly safe, even if it is a live virus you’re snorting directly into your brain. So to speak.

And it absolutely can’t give you the flu.  That’s just wild conspiracy talk. It’s only that the virus (weakened!) can possibly give you many of the symptoms of the swine flu. So it’s the flu virus, that makes you feel, possibly, as if you have the flu, but it’s not.  It’s different.  (Try to keep up.)

It might also make you lose all control of your legs, in some cases, and also makes you potentially contagious for twenty-one days, fearsomely capable of infecting anyone around you unwise enough to have a weenie immune system, with swine flu.

So getting the Flu Mist absolutely doesn’t give you the swine flu.  Just other people.

This is the best I could figure out after consulting with our doctor, the nurse at work, forty-two incredibly alarmist internet sites, and the women on the phone at the county health services office.

The health services office was where we were originally scheduled to bathe our brains in contagion.  I hate going there because the bug-flecked fluorescent lighting and peeled paneling in the waiting room send me in to an instantaneous state of despair.  It’s institutional angst with a side of can I get syphilis from sitting in this orange plastic chair?  

Chair syphilis.  Probably they have a pamphlet on that.

So now we’ve skipped out on the mist, and are contemplating the shot, or alternately, just waiting for someone who’s already had the mist (Swine Flu Time Bomb) to infect us and get it over with.  The kids are all for living dangerously, of course.

Also the cats have taken up sneezing as a secondary occupation. (Their primary job is tripping the unsuspecting. This involves stretching out into a three foot long cat-strip and lying in wait)  They like to sneeze on your face just as you are waking up, which is just their way of saying Good morning! Here’s direct shot of cat-borne virus to the brain! Or worms! 

So now that I’m probably a wormy, syphilitic, potential swine flu time bomb, I’m planning to come visit you at your blogs really soon! 

I’ll bring the hand sanitizer and the pamphlets.


UPDATE:  Breaking Medical News!   Apparently a cat in Iowa has just been diagnosed with H1N1.  The news this morning advises that anyone with sneezing cats should visit the veterinarian.

Sometimes I scare myself.

31 comments:

Kez said...

Ugh, all this virus talk makes me feel sick haha.

By the way, I gave you one of those annoying meme awards on my blog. The actual meme is annoying, I'll admit but the sentiment behind giving you an award is from a good place :)

Ed Adams said...

Every time I hear "Swine Flu", it makes me hungry for bacon.

Ellie said...

Ewww. Swine flu? That's the messy one. I should think you'd need an extra-absorbent brain... to soak up all the mucus.

The Jules said...

You are the Typhoid Mary of the blogosphere.

Jules said...

According to my doctor, we've ALL (especially us teachers) been exposed to it already. Not that we shouldn't get the shot or mist. I'm going to. Hubby said he's not. But he has asthma and I already told him that I will "DRAG HIS ASS TO THE DOCTOR WITH HIM YELLING AND SCREAMING IF I HAVE TO!!" Ok, so I yelled that at him.

ЯСупер said...

Number of H1N1 Swine Flu Pandemy cases grows (already more than 30,000 deaths worldwide) and you or one of your family could have this fatal disease. If you want to protect yourself and your family, friends, colleagues - bookmark the address - http://b23.ru/slfc - and send it to all who you know, may be so you save their lives. This is a list of social emergency medicines that can be used against Swine Flu H1N1.

Gaston Studio said...

I'd rather just deal with who's next to go on Dancing With the Stars; it's much less complicated!

Moooooog35 said...

Does this mean I have to shop for condoms?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

As long as you don't sit on the chancroid on the orange chair, you should be fine.

Still, might want to start taking mercury salts. Just to be safe. Don't want to go all Al Capone with the French Pox and whatnot.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Bring me a pamphlet on toilet seat AIDS, cause I'm sure I have that. Only on my right cheek/thigh though, because I make sure to only touch down on one side.

That comment a few back is scaring me a little. When you become a government-controlled zombie, do you *have* to turn your letters backwards? Is it like a tassel on a mortarboard?

kate said...

What kind of makes me laugh are these Swine Flu Shot Clinics that the Health Department has been holding around town...they've been all over the news - videos of people camping out for days before the clinic in rain, wind and near-freezing temperatures. They show people shivering in tents with their wheelchairs and children in tow...so let me get this straight. You're willing to sit through all of that for a SHOT? "That's right, y'all! I may have pneumonia now, but at least I ain't got swing flu!"

diane said...

The last thing you want to do is get the shot if you have already been exposed. In easy to understand language, here's why:
It's a lot like getting stung. The first time you might not have a reaction, because you've never had it before. But if you are exposed to it in a large quantity the second time, your body might respond with an "allergic reaction" that would be far worse than the first "sting". I think it's called an antibody reaction. In other words, your kids are genius's.
For god's sake, put some salve on that butt cheek. (can't remember the name of that salve, you know, the one you put on Yeti man).

miss. chief said...

i'm not getting the shot. for sure. from what i've seen the bad outweighs the good. by a lot.
maybe

Miss Yvonne said...

Heh heh...syphilitic. Bring your chair AIDS on over to my blog. I could use the excitement.

Just A Girl said...

I'm still focusing on nose hairs and brain slapping. Your son just blew my mind! I wonder if I could get my finger in far enough in to touch my own brain...

Vic said...

Kez,
I'm coming over to see!! Thanks, Kez!

Ed,
I have a mental picture of old-fashioned pigs in flight. I wish I had the bacon thing.

Ellie,
"mucus" is a word that should be stricken from the language. Like "moist". Except, what else would you use to describe snot?

The Jules,
You have no idea how close I was to using that exact line as the title for this post!! Are you linking into my spongy brain, again, Magic Man? (you hung that leaf from the silken thread, don't be modest!)

the Jules,
I figure I've been exposed to most everything- I was worried about the mist, too, though, because my husband is a diabetic. Hence, impaired immune system. If your husband has asthma, he can't do the mist, I was told.

cynep,
So if I go to that site, will spyware be installed on my computer? What exactly is a social emergency medicine? (Martini, I'm thinking...)

Gaston Studio,
I know! I haven't watched that this season. I don't know why. Who's good?

Moooog,
Are you out? I thought you had that case from Costco you were working through...
(As long as you remember to wear pants to the county office, you're probably good.)

indef. mj,
On the other hand (see above) I love the word "chancroid", even though it's disgusting. It's got excellent consonants. I'm putting mercury salts on my grocery list.

Steamy,
It's good you keep a cheek unsullied. My aim is bad when I do that, so I'm evenly contaminated.

The comment weirded me out too. Government drone, yes. But which government....?


Kate,
We don't need no stinkin' logic! I know. Common sense goes out the window when people panic.

diane,
So how do you know if you've been exposed? I work around spewing mucus-factories all day long. Somehow I'm still healthy at the moment. My kids sit in the same kind of environment.
It's a dilemmer.
(Can I just spread mercury salts on it, or will that burn? I'm so confused.)

miss. chief,
I'm definitely with you. Probably.
:)

Miss Yvonne,
Nothing says good times like an STD, I always say. Should I bring snacks? (On my way over there either way...:)

Just a Girl,
I know, that kid cracks me up. I wonder if my nose hairs actually line up?

Lana said...

i was told, by my pediatrician, that the vaccine has mercury in it. so she was all 'oh yeah, you have to pick the lesser of two evils, mercury poisoning or swine flu.' screw that mist. no need to make some pharmaceutical company richer while your brain breeds the plague.

ps. i do love a good pamphlet though

Prosy said...

flu mist sounds like swine flu lite

C. Andres Alderete said...

Great writing. I need to come here more.

Kurt said...

Chair syphilis is totally the worst kind because it gets in your hair and leaves in looking weak and brittle, and there's no conditioner that gets out syphilis. Sorry. That's just the facts. Now chair herpes on the other hand...

Eidothia said...

Ditto. I hate visiting clinics too. Although you can instead use the age old method being advocated here in India. Basil - Immense medicinal potential I tell you :)

Beth said...

I knew you could get syphilis from chairs. And don't even get me started on what we can get from toilets. It is amazing that we live past a day.

just making my way said...

Clinics have got to be some level of hell, right? Not only can you get chair syphilis, they all seem to exist in some strange place in the space/time continuum. (Wow, I can't believe I spelled continuum right on the first try!)

Carolyn...Online said...

Oh great now the swine flu has jumped the species barrier. Again. Super. Your cat may in fact be patient zero and you'll end up with a big tent over it like in ET. Your such an attention hog.

linlah said...

I'm going to use that nose hair thing as an excuse everytime I can't remember stuff.

diane said...

What's wrong with trusting in nature? It's better to get something naturally, than to be injected with Dr. Frankenstein's version of it. That way you don't have to worry about being exposed to it.
The hype on television is all about selling vaccinations.

Soda and Candy said...

I'm just dealing with the Swine Flu the way I deal with everything else, pretend it's not happening. It's working pretty well so far.

I wonder if you can get teeny paper face-masks for your cats to halt the spread of contagion.

Dominica said...

I scare myself a lot lately !! Great post and that's why ....I've awarded you with the Splash award ! Check out my blog to read more about it ! ;-)

Dominica said...

PS same here @ Ed Adams !

Margo said...

I saw that report about the cat! A very serious looking Ann Curry told me not to worry about it though. But I think she was just saying that. I've had the shot - lucked into one because of asthma (I'm SO lucky) but no one else in house has. No labradoodle sneezing YET. Miss you and hope you're doing okay! No spongy brain here, mine is more repellent.

diane said...

There's an award for you over at my place. :)