Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's possible I might punch Santa in the nuts if I had the chance, but Miss Yvonne is practically a Christmas miracle.

Probably you have been marveling for the last few minutes at just how Christmas-y it's gotten up in here, what with ostrich Santa hats, and novelty lights, and stuff.  Next thing you know I'll be baking virtual mincemeat cookies and sending them to you-  blinking, glittery, holiday STD cookie widgets. If I could only get them to smell slightly burned it would be perfect.

Mostly I just pretend to like Christmas. I could happily live without slice-y angel hair and Secret Santa popcorn canisters and  Mariah Carey Christmas songs.  I don't treasure the twenty years of snapshots of the EXACT SAME CHRISTMAS TREE. We have ornaments I keep trying intentionally to break,especially the Precious Moments praying-toddler-wiseman one that was a gift from my mother-in-law, but that's made of some space-age indestructible material.  Once I threw a  Disney Christmas CD out the window of the car, and then drove over it. A person can only take so much.

I am a closet Grinch.  I was just tarting up the blog to distract you.  My blog is my Christmas beard.

Also, I have to keep up appearances at home, because my husband (the Ebay addict) has come home every day this week with Santa hats.  There are enough Santa hats in the house now to cover every living head in the house three or four times.  No one will wear them, but it's good to know we're never going to run out of seasonal novelty head-wear. That's security.

As usual, I've wandered off topic. Actually, what  I really wanted to talk about is the gift that keeps on giving, and that is Miss Yvonne at Yo Mama's Blog.

I was talking to Steamy and Kurt a little bit ago about how great Miss Yvonne is, and we all wanted to write a post about her genius and then, I'm sad to report, there was a scuffle, and Steamy said something about how my interpretative canoeing is strictly amateur-level, and I made a little "mhmm, mhmm" sound like when you french-kiss a tub of cream cheese because she especially loves that, and then I tried to get her in a headlock, but Kurt broke it up with his handsomeness (which is totally not a euphemism) and also by using the tie to his robe as a lasso.

Finally we decided to share Miss Yvonne, which sounds much more lascivious and awesome than I am up for, frankly.

But I love Miss Yvonne.

She always makes me laugh.  Every single time.  I want to go over to her house and hang out, as long as she doesn't make me help with Christmas decorations. I hear she's crazy-picky about the tree skirt and she probably wouldn't approve of my method of only decorating the front part of the tree.

If you haven't been over to Yo Mama's Blog, you need to go there, because it is a cornucopia of cool. (I just made that up off the top of my head. It's best to leave the alliteration to the professionals.)

For instance, Miss Yvonne listens to werewolf soft-porn audio books at work. Apparently this is a sure-fire way to excite gay men. Also, she decorates corn on the cob with penis-shaped straws, which is a daring design option.

Her renters
a) use her kitchen strainer to clean the fish tank (Somehow Captain Carl managed to herd me out the door before I could grab a paring knife and shank Eco. )
b) are potential kitty rapists
c) live librarian- by -day/sexy- cougar- by- night lives.

She's always on the lookout for her own personal Cheesus,
 So I heard a story on the news this morning that some lady found the image of Jesus in a cheeto. And she almost bit into it when she saw the little Jesus face, so she looked closer and she saw not only his face, but also his whole body. She named it Cheesus, which I'm pretty sure is sacrilegious but also hilarious. Then the news lady person said that most everyone will see the image of Jesus in an unassuming object at some point in their life.

I've started looking here in my cubelet this morning, but so far nothing. I thought for a minute I saw Jesus on the peel of my banana, but it turned out to be Christian Bale, which is close but not quite.

but lately she's been stalking Harry Connick, Jr., 
I'll meet you outside your house for lunch when I get into town next week, okay? I'll be the one wearing reindeer antlers and climbing your security fence.

something I'm pretty sure we all can relate to.

When I first found her blog I was excited because her header says she trains monkeys, but so far that's a part of her life she's keeping super-secret apparently.  I keep coming back every day, because I know someday soon she's going to tell us all her monkey-wrangling secrets.  I hope she hurries up though, because I'm thinking about getting my husband one for Christmas, and I don't know how well they get along with cats wearing tiny Santa hats.

So you should go over there.  Say 'hi'.  Hit the follow button. (But only if you promise to come back and maybe follow me an extra time.  It's like a finder's fee.  Also, I'd be lonely here by myself with all those cookie widgets and broken ornaments.)

Besides, Miss Yvonne loves Steamy and Kurt and I too.  Here's what she said about us:
I'm just as funny and witty and good looking as all of them, right? Okay, maybe not quite as funny but I'm definitely as good looking and probably better in bed than all of them. Just sayin'.

It's true.


Jules said...

Yay! I heart Miss Yvonne more than I heart giving away these Palin buttons! I totally hope she gets with Harry. But that would suck for Captain Carl.....

I do love the lights on your house. Very Christmasy!

The Peach Tart said...

I adore Miss Yvonne. She always makes me laugh too. I wish I could go to her house and hang out with all of you.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I forgot about the You Go Girl! Office Guy. I want a You Go Girl! Office Guy© for Christmas.

Also, ostriches are just MADE for Santa hats, with their skinny little hairless heads. So jolly.

Miss Yvonne said...

Well damn. I'm all choked up (twss) over here.

Seriously, I can't believe y'all gave me a feature blog post! Just for that, I will totally blog about my monkey training for you.

And I've always wanted to be shared...I'm so glad Kurt is involved for my first time.

P.S. The best part about Christmas? It'll be over by next weekend.

Moooooog35 said...

I was scared to head over there when you said she trained monkeys because I seriously didn't want to see that chimp lady who was mangled and went on Oprah but I wonder if she was, like, 'This was TOTALLY worth it because holy shit I JUST. MET. OPRAH' but I went anyway and it was really funny.


Bullet. Dodged.

diane said...

I hear that Pets Are Us is having a 1/2 price sale on monkeys, better hurry.
I am so smug and proud, because I didn't have to look up a single reference to Miss Yvonne's posts, I knew every one. That's because I'm her moron twin, and not stalking her at all. Although if we were to line every body up, starting with Harry Conick Jr., it would be interesting to see who is stalking who.

word ver. mingra word used to describe special Christmas ninja stalkers

Nice header, you did us proud. xo

erin said...

I was a little choked up too. I love Miss Yvonne.

We should have a BlogHer thing. In my house. Tomorrow.

Everyone's invited. Bring lots of food. I'm hungry.

Kurt said...

You are thoughtful and kind for leaving me "Your Mom". Hey that sentences works on two levels! It was super good to read you again, Vic. I'm glad your house is stupid with Santa hats. In case an elf horde rolls through demanding them, I mean.

bikramyogachick said...

Thanks for sharing her with me! I need to go smoke now....

Ed Adams said...

Wow, it's like, if Miss Yvonne was queen for a day and you 3 were her little sex slave servants, but more awesomer.

Congrats Miss Yvonne.

Soda and Candy said...

The mincemeat cookies thing reminded me of this story my dad told once where he wanted to make fruit mince pies for Christmas but he thought fruit mince was mincemeat with fruit in it (hint: it's not) and they turned out horrible.

Also, Miss Yvonne is on my reading list... nnnnnow.

Jen O. said...

Done. Followed. Thank you.

P.S. Hi, my name is Jen O. I'm a lurker, de-lurking. I like long walks on the beach, my tea with two sugars + milk, and I pee a little bit when I sneeze. TMI for the first time? Whatever. Sorry.

Kim said...

She deserves this. Love Miss Yvonne. How super nice of you guys for doing this for her. And for making the rest of us look like assholes now. Thanks.

Eric said...

Merry Christmas there, I like the colored lights. Did your neighbor with the statuary approve those?

Mandy's Kidding said...

Miss Yvonne is cool beans.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I refuse to read her until there is actual proof of monkey-wrangling skills.

Nikki said...

I love Miss Yvonne more than puppy dog eyes and giant tubs of icing.

Peggy said...

Miss Yvonne is the bell of the ball today huh? Good...she deserves it! Love her!

Vic said...

Thanks everyone! It's so good to see old friends and some new ones here, and to share a little Yo Mama love.

Especially good to see you, Jen O. Thanks for delurking - that always makes my day! It's nice to "meet" you.

Miss Yvonne,
I can't wait for the monkey training - do I need any kind of protective gear? Bananas? Let me know.
Love ya.

Fragrant Liar said...

I think I interrupted a menage a quartre.

But I'll still go voyuerize Miss Yvonne. If you really want me to, I will.

Dominica said...

In fact I hate these days too ; for many reasons ...lost my mum (exactly today, 8 years ago) and I remember those X-mas days as 'yeah right' .... anyway, LOVE the header ; that bird is my fav bird of all birds.
Even more with the Santa hat.
Thank God for Miss Yvonne !
Take care Vic !

LiLu said...

I dare say this is the schmoopiest I've ever seen you.

Must be the Santa hats rubbing off on you.

VE said...

Oh sure...I discover your blog and now you're directing me somehwere else...

just making my way said...

Miss Yvonne is vondahful, dahlink! I don't know why I had to say that in a bad Zsa Zsa Gabor accent. Just another mystery of the season.

Jocelyn said...

I can't even type a comment at you now because I have to go visit my new crush, and her name is Miss Yvonne, so BYYYYYEEE!

CatLadyLarew said...

I haven't been over to see Miss Yvonne in the longest time... must get over to see here today!

My word verification is "gothout"*. Sounds like a description of Miss Yvonne's next renter.

*(Obviously, a goth who tries to gross everyone out.)

Dawn said...

Yes, the entire planet loves Miss Yvonne. It's all official and whatnot. And since we love to love her, we love you for loving her too. And we love ourselves for being in love with her lovliness. Ummm, hang on, my brain is crampy from the nonsensical love-fest of Yvonne-ness. Owwwww....anyhoo, love ya'll.

Little Ms Blogger said...

"Finally we decided to share Miss Yvonne, which sounds much more lascivious and awesome than I am up for, frankly."

This comment made me think of Miss Yvonne's 3 way with the vampire and werewolf, but in this case, you have a werewolf, vampire and zombie (1st thing that came to my head).

Love the title of this post.

Margo said...

I'll have to go meet Miss Yvonne. She sounds infinitely more rational and thrilling than my visiting inlaws and my husband, who is quickly reverting into his golden boy persona. I join you in the grinch closet :) Here's to a little unexpected Christmas magic!

Carolyn...Online said...

Fucking. A. I know, I just said fucking A. I've been gone for fuckingever because December is the stupidest month in the history of months and now I'm here and there's some kind of Yvonne hero worship thing going on. Shit. Who is this woman? Now I have to go find out and I don't have time because all of those santa hats that your husband came home with? they're at my house too and apparently the little one infested them with lice. It's a Christmas miracle. Fa la la la laaaa...