Friday, January 01, 2010

Eric Clapton needs a deep-fried Mexican.

I'm pretty sure that's what he was saying.

Last night we went out to eat for New Year's Eve.  I was in the bathroom at the restaurant, humming along to the piped-in music and enjoying the acoustics, and never mind what else I was doing, until he got to the line,  I need a deep fried Mexi-cc-aann.  I was taken aback.  True, it had his signature bluesey guitar sound, and so his need was unavoidably heartfelt and touching, but still it seemed wrong to require anyone to be deep-fried, Mexican or not.

I missed the rest of the next verse, but I made sure to listen really close when he got to the chorus again, and this time the words sounded more like I need a big, strong Mexi-cc-aaan.  Hmmmm.  Better, but still not appropriate.  Why not a big strong American?  Or, a big strong Austrian? Austrians are strong and they also wear leather shorts and handlebar mustaches, so they do all your heavy-lifting with style.

 I listened to the whole rest of the song, which means I was gone so long that my husband gave me a sympathetic look when I finally made it back to the table.  I asked him if he knew the "deep-fried Mexican" song that Eric Clapton sings, and he paused a minute and then asked me if I was sure it was Eric Clapton and not a chicken.

Which was uncalled for and cruel.

For the record, I haven't heard the chicken playing since Christmas Eve, so probably he's picked up his piano and moved on, and besides, chickens are too high-strung to play the blues. Everyone knows that.

2009 was a challenging year.

For instance, this time last year we had one pet.  A dog.  Sometimes he was lumpy.  Sometimes not.

Then there were three betta fish, who started out okay, until one of them developed a gigantic eyeball, so now he's like a different fish on each side of his head.  Totally changes his profile.

Then we got two cats, which most of you know, because one of them died, like in a horrible Lifetime for Cats movie, complete with crying, and then we got another one, so now there are two cats again.  They probably ride the dog around the house during the day while we are at work, and sometimes when I leave my bedroom in the morning, one of them will narrow his eyes at my outfit and shake his head. It's a lot of pressure.

Still, we didn't learn. For Christmas, my husband and I gave in to the hugely unsubtle hints dropped by our offspring and bought them tiny frogs from Brookstone.  ("Frogosphere" is what they call the little plastic aquarium they come in.)  We hid them in my closet until Christmas, away from the cats, and I had to keep going in there to check on them, and once when I went in, one of them was missing.

I called the frog, but he didn't come.  Then I tried luring it out of my clothes hamper with a pellet of food from the package in the box, but I guess he wasn't hungry.  I was pretty close to bringing in the cats to flush it out, but then, just to be sure, I looked in the frogosphere again, and there he was, nestled in the gravel at the bottom, belly-up and stiff.

Did you know Brookstone has a strict policy against returning dead frogs? 

Luckily we found an elderly clerk who didn't know this, and so we got a replacement.  Here is a picture I took of him, after he was liberated from my closet on Christmas morning:

 I plan on naming him Regis. 

Also in 2009, I met my nemesis, and spent some time doing A Christmas Carol.  I had a really great cane in a couple of "not really blind"-beggar- woman scenes:

It turns out my nemesis wasn't so bad in the end, and I never rolled into the orchestra pit, so I count that experience as a success. 2009 was also the year I finished my degree, almost met the mayor of London, fought off aliens,  spied on the neighbors, learned about paprika, and attended four middle school band concerts. 

I had my one-year blog anniversary in December, but I forgot about it, and also I have a couple of very ancient entries from before the dawn of time (2005), so it's possible it doesn't count anyway.  Maybe I should do a belated celebration with a drawing.  I could give away a frog!  Or a hoof bottle.  I'll give it some thought.

Anyway, I've decided 2010 is going to be great.  I have wonderful friends, (both in-person and blogworld varieties) my health, and a job.  I have not killed any frogs in the last week. If I ever manage to meet my phantom doctor, I am scheduling myself for a hearing test, just in case.

And I still have that blowtorch my husband gave me for my birthday to break in.

Life is good.


Wow, that was awkward said...

2010 will indeed be great. Cheers to you and your zookeeping skills. Thanks for making me laugh a lot in 2009. I'm glad I found you.

Pearl said...

Always a pleasure stopping in here. You are a freakishly funny person; and if we lived anywhere near each other, I would so buy you dinner. And a beer. And then another beer.


Kez said...

Happy new year! I look forward to reading about your 2010 adventures!!

Berowne said...

Speaking of frogs, and you were, let us start off 2010 with a joke first told in 1020:

"Waiter, do you have frog legs?"
"No, I always walk like this."

(You had to be there.)

erin said...

Happy New Year! Rose wanted those frogs soooo bad. I told her Jeremiah doesn't want any pets and Jeremiah told her I don't. The only reason REALLY was the only Brookstone near us is an hour away and we didn't feel like going back there to get some bloody frogs.

She got slippers, books and card games instead.

diane said...

I married a frog (a frenchman). He sits glued to the computer all day, just like the little frogs sit glued to the glass of their tank. It's not nearly as cute. Can I return him?

I loved your re-cap. You are truly one of the most entertaining bloggers out there Vic. HNY. xo

Mr. Charleston said...

Deep fried Mexican?? I know Clapton pretty well and still have to admit I'm stumped. What were you drinking? Tequila perhaps?

Happy New Year!

CatLadyLarew said...

Hey, Vic... Happy New Year! And Happy Blogoversary! Good luck with those frogs! I lost a salamander in my classroom once... never did find it. It's no doubt mummified under a heater somewhere.

miss. chief said...

huh...that's actually a pretty productive year. I think if I tried to do one of these entries it would be pretty boring.

Miss Yvonne said...

Happy New Year, Vic! Thank goodness for you and your blog, it made me laugh in 2009 and that is truly a Christmas miracle.

My stepdaughter once had an aquarium full of tiny frogs that her mother bought her and they all died and she kept feeding them because she thought they were just sleeping, so we didn't know they were dead until they were mummified. Good times.

Just.Kate said...

Damn cats and their innate fashion sense. I tried to bring my cat to Anthropologie to help me figure out what's hip and what's ridiculous, and she just scratched and bit and tried to leap out of the car.

Tsh. I'm so not feeding her for a few days.

Jules said...

I think you need to stop getting animals.......

AND I'm VERY happy to have found you! YOU have NO idea!!!

Happy Blogversary and New Year!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wow, we started blogging at the same time! Also with a couple random posts from a million years ago!

I'm reading your comments, and Diane wrote "HNY" and I was like "What is that code for?? I MUST figure this out!! What IS this HNY?? Honey? Have Nice Yams?? OOH I LOVE RIDDLES!!!!" (I figured it out. Don't worry. Hairy Nepalese Yaks. Duh.)

I still remember the first time I found your blog. You were the first, *ahem*, "non-traditional" blogger I'd ever read. Until you I thought it was all babies and Hubby and vacation photos and recipes. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Babies are cute and shit. But anyhow, I remember thinking, "SCORE!!!" when I first read your blog. Because my inner voice is stuck in 1995. Could I BE any more outdated??

You had me at interpretive canoeing, Vic. You had me at interpretive canoeing.

Happy 2010. You're still my favorite.

Margo said...

here's to coming out the shoot in 2010! I don't know what that means exactly, but a real life friend said it to me yesterday and her life seems to be progressing nicely. Could think of no better person to pass along to :)

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Glad you didn't roll into the orchestra pit. But now I'm so distracted trying to figure out "deep-fried Mexican."

The Queen said...

I laughed so hard I think I peed a little..

kate said...

I got a frog for Christmas one year, too. I named it Riblet. It died roughly two days after I got it. I couldn't bear to flush it myself, so I put it in a jar and waited until my dad got home and made him do it. When he thunked it into the toilet and got ready to flush, he called out, "KATE! COME QUICK! HE'S ALIVE!"...but when I ran into the bathroom, my frog was definitly still dead and floating, belly-up, in the toilet. *sigh* Happy New Year :)

Ed Adams said...

Happy New Yea Vic!

Congrats on the blogoversary.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

It's a good thing you didn't get them one of those eco-spheres with the $200 crustaceans. Imagine looking for that in your closet.

Here shrimpy, shrimpy. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Have a great 2010.

Carolyn...Online said...

Ok what was the Clapton song because I'm too tired to figure it out and I need you to spoonfeed me.

Also, frogs are disposable. Everyone knows that.

BugginWord said...

Regis is sexy. I can't wait to hear more of his bow-legged antics. Hubba.

Fragrant Liar said...

I once had a deep-fried Mexican. Eventually he sobered up and then we broke up because he totally wasn't entertaining after that.

Happy blogiversary to you. You're one of my fave bloggers on the planet cuz you keep me laughing, and there's pretty much nothing I won't do for a good laugh. (Reading you is preferable to getting my butt in trouble, know what I'm saying?)

HNY, Vic!

Kurt said...

If I had a multiple-profile fish, I would pretend one side was good and the other was evil and I would alternately cheer and wag my fist threateningly depending on the direction he was swimming.

That would go on for days probably.

Moooooog35 said...

"Deep Fried Mexicans" would be a great name for a rock band.

LiLu said...

I would probably trade in my wine fridge for a blow torch. Totally and completely BADASS.

Soda and Candy said...

I think Lifetime for Cats is probably in the super-deluxe cable package, right?

Happy New Year! You are one of my favorite bloggers.

: )

Amanda said...

Cats can be so judge-y. Maybe that's why my self-esteem is so low when I'm home (my 4 cats never approve). Happy 2010!!

Eric said...

Did it sound like:

Would you know my name, if I made deep fried Mexican?
Would you eat the same, if I made deep fried Mexican?
I season it strong... with curry on, cause I know I like deep fried Mexican?

Vic said...

Hey guys -

I have read everyone's comments at least three times now, and they make my day all over again. I keep trying to respond individually, and then I re-read them and forget to respond. Losing my hearing, AND my memory.

to all of you - I'm really glad I found you too. (Just.Kate - Cats are too frugal for Anthropologie. They're more like Ann Taylor outlet.
Berowne, you are a poet. When Pearl and I get together you can come.
Lilu, you can borrow my blow torch. Does that sound dirty? )

I'm saving all these comments to read next time life kicks me in the teeth. So...tomorrow? We'll see. :)

ShoesFit said...

You got them FROGS? FROGS??? Good heavens, woman, get a hold of yourself!

Jocelyn said...

My kids both insist on singing "Cockin'-Eyed Joe" lately, and they look at me like I am The Dumb when I correct them and say, "It's actually 'Cotton-Eyed.'" Apparently, their version makes more sense. Then I explained Jimi Hendrix's famous "Excuse me, while I kiss this guy."

My kids don't get me.

I get this post, though. Great year in review.

just making my way said...

I kind of want one of those frogs. A live one, preferably.

Happy New Year! I can't wait for the time when you break out that blow torch.

The Jules said...

Not much meat on that frog. Still, stick a few in a deep fryer and then in a burrito, and you have covered all your bases.

Kim said...

The pet store will replace a dead finch. For future reference. If you don't mind toting around a dead little bird in a ziploc bag for a day....or two.

Frogs are tricky to train. Choke collars seem cruel, but trust me, they are very effective.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

A blowtorch? I he going to use that for edging? After mowing the lawn with a flamethrower?

watchthatcheese said...

Thanks for that, I needed a laugh.

lisleman said...

I sure hope you tell us the real Clapton song. He's a favorite of mine and I can think of what song could sound this way.
My guess - 'Come On In My Kitchen'
I looked over at the site
and found this misheard Clapton verse:
Want to be your foam-rubber man

@eloh said...

One of my favorite parts of 2009 and landing in Bloggyville was not just you spying on your neighbors but that you also photographed your efforts so we could all join in.

On a side note for your future information. My secretary in Germany was a Nazi Naval Instructors wife, and the most intelligent person I have ever had the pleasure to work with... she was a collector of frogs and salamanders etc. One day she tells me that she had a horrible dilemma... a couple of her frogs had come down with a fungus and she needed to do away with them before they infected others... she said she put them in a paper sack and worried about how to humanely dispose of them... she needed to get to work so she just jumped up and down on the sack a few times and called it a done deal. I have always missed her.

Maroussia said...

It will be great to watch A Christmas Carol, i have bought tickets from looking forward to it.