It can happen. Usually when you're doing other things like explaining what a cavity search is to your eleven year old,
(Me: Are you watching A & E again? A cavity search is... um... when they look for...well...hidden items in your...well, openings... and ....and cleaning bubbly gray broccoli out of the back of your refrigerator.
Husband : Sometimes people shove something up their butt and the police have to stick their arm up there and pull it out.
Son: Oh! )
In addition, worrying can eat up a lot of your time. Worrying is stupid, and I know this. For instance, Haiti is bad. Heartbreakingly bad. Also, my district is facing pretty significant teacher layoffs, along with every other school district in California. I can't fix either one of these things, or any of the other hard things on the world's laundry list, no matter how much I worry, but I can't help it. So I choose to worry about the trivial. I like trivial.
1.) I hear Lady Gaga is "sick". Judging from the news over the last year there is some kind of dastardly plot afoot to kill off all thirty-and-under celebrities, and maybe her crazy shrubbery headdresses and tiny diapers have made her the next target. I think at this point the only thing that can save her is a polyester pantsuit and some sensible shoes. I'm rooting for her. (When I say, Get better soon! what I really mean is Take off those hooker platforms and run, Lady Gaga, run! )
2.) Last year my daughter's orthodontist told me, all smirky, that I have an "asymmetrical chin". He's a rude little man in a Hawaiian shirt, and at first I was going to bring up his shiny bald spot but chickened out, and then I went home and looked in the mirror, and it did seem a little off . Then I forgot about it until recently when I got sucked in to www.ancestry.com, a site that makes it really easy to research your ancestors, and suddenly my chin issue started to make sense.
See, I've been there a lot, (me and all the other eighty-year-old ladies, and some Mormons) and what I found was interesting. For instance, one of my ancestors in the 1600's was scalped by a local irate indian. He got bored half-way through and left her to die, but she didn't, she just flapped the hunk of skin back over her skull and went home. We're hardy people.
Anyway, most of the branches of my family seemed to be doing fine, except when I got into the 1800's. One branch of my family seemed, well, closer than you'd expect, with the same last name appearing on both sides of the marrying line. At first I thought I did something wrong, because at several points all manner of cousins were marrying all over the place, and then an aunt and a nephew. I double-checked. Everything seemed accurate. Hmm.
So, just a smidgen of inbreeding. Nothing to worry about probably.
(I looked up "effects of inbreeding" on Wikipedia, and it didn't list crooked chins, but I'm thinking they didn't have room to list everything. At least there's no hemophilia or an overwhelming urge to sit on one of the thrones of Europe.)
3.) Also, we seem to be distantly related to the Bushes. I know what you're thinking, but not the inbred branch. I always thought Barbara Bush looked like my great-grandmother, and now I know why.
4.) My biggest trivial worry these days is that I think we've got another epidemic on the horizon, one that no one seems to be talking about, and believe me, I've looked. It may take another twenty or thirty years, but it's inevitable.
I'm speaking, of course, about Panda Head.
I started thinking about pandas (apparently a popular blog topic these days!) over Christmas break while playing Taboo with some friends. The clues were eastern, Chinese, beast of burden. Someone, not me, shouted "panda!". You, of course, know that the answer was "yak", but it got me thinking about how unfair that is, that the yak should get all the hard jobs while the panda, also large, gets to hang around all day.
Why can't a panda be a beast of burden? Sure, you'd have to fit it with some kind of special backpack, and you couldn't be in a hurry to get anywhere, but it could work.
So I looked up pandas on Wikipedia too (let's hope I never commit a crime and then the police have to look at my search history) and it turns out pandas are not considered reliable workers.
What they do really well is lie around and eat a huge amount of nutrient-poor bamboo. They have to eat tons of it because their bodies are actually designed to eat meat, but they don't, because they're stubborn or something. They only eat bamboo, and lots of it, just to have enough energy to lie around all day.
The scary part is where the article said that pandas have developed not only large bodies as a result of their low LOW metabolism, but that their heads have gotten large and bulbous for the same reason.
I think pretty much we're doomed. Because bamboo is nature's cheese puffs. Replace the tree branches with a love seat, and you've got a picture of half of America. We're all just a Saved By the Bell marathon and a large bag of chips away from Panda Head.
This is really bad news for Americans, from an evolutionary standpoint, but great news for me, the forward-thinking entrepreneur. Because not only do I see elastic waist pants as a growth industry, I also foresee a new market for plus-size hats.
Nobody steal my idea.
5.) And huge heads might even be the least of our worries. Pandas are so lazy that in captivity they have to show the males XXX panda porn and give them Viagra just to get them to reproduce. I'm not making this up.
We may just be snacking our way into extinction.
Maybe I've wandered away from "trivial" here.
6.) Did I mention my son has one really long blond hair that grows out of his baby-soft cheek, and when we pull it out it regrows in the same place? If we don't catch it the hair can reach an inch or more of luxurious waving growth. He wanted a razor for Christmas.
Here. I made this for you. And put down those cheese puffs, for God's sake.