Monday, January 18, 2010

"Heed!" (Does This Headdress Make My Head Look Fat?)

Someone stole two weeks from me, and I didn't even know.

It can happen.  Usually when you're doing other things like explaining what a cavity search is to your eleven year old,
(Me: Are you watching A & E again?  A cavity search is... um... when they look for...well...hidden items in your...well, openings... and ....
Son:  huh? 
Husband :  Sometimes people shove something up their butt and the police have to stick their arm up there and pull it out.
Son:  Oh! )
and cleaning bubbly gray broccoli out of the back of your refrigerator.

In addition, worrying can eat up a lot of your time.  Worrying is stupid, and I know this.  For instance, Haiti is bad.  Heartbreakingly bad.   Also, my district is facing pretty significant teacher layoffs, along with every other school district in California.  I can't fix either one of these things, or any of the other hard things on the world's laundry list, no matter how much I worry, but I can't help it. So I choose to worry about the trivial.  I like trivial.

For instance:

1.) I hear Lady Gaga is "sick".   Judging from the news over the last year there is some kind of dastardly plot afoot to kill off all thirty-and-under celebrities, and maybe her crazy shrubbery headdresses and tiny diapers have made her the next target. I think at this point the only thing that can save her is a polyester pantsuit and some sensible shoes.  I'm rooting for her. (When I say, Get better soon! what I really mean is Take off those hooker platforms and run, Lady Gaga, run! )

2.) Last year my daughter's orthodontist told me, all smirky, that I have an "asymmetrical chin".  He's a rude little man in a Hawaiian shirt, and at first I was going to bring up his shiny bald spot but chickened out, and then I went home and looked in the mirror, and it did seem a little off .  Then I forgot about it until recently when I got sucked in to www.ancestry.com, a site that makes it really easy to research your ancestors, and suddenly my chin issue started to make sense.

See, I've been there a lot, (me and all the other eighty-year-old ladies, and some Mormons) and what I found was interesting.  For instance, one of my ancestors in the 1600's was scalped by a local irate indian.  He got bored half-way through and left her to die, but she didn't, she just flapped the hunk of skin back over her skull and went home.  We're hardy people.

Anyway, most of the branches of my family seemed to be doing fine, except when I got into the 1800's.  One branch of my family seemed, well, closer than you'd expect, with the same last name appearing on both sides of the marrying line.  At first I thought I did something wrong, because at several points all manner of cousins were marrying all over the place, and then an aunt and a nephew.  I double-checked.   Everything seemed accurate. Hmm.

So, just a smidgen of inbreeding.  Nothing to worry about probably.

(I looked up "effects of inbreeding" on Wikipedia, and it didn't list crooked chins, but I'm thinking they didn't have room to list everything.  At least there's no hemophilia or an overwhelming urge to sit on one of the thrones of Europe.)

3.) Also, we seem to be distantly related to the Bushes. I know what you're thinking, but not the inbred branch. I always thought Barbara Bush looked like my great-grandmother, and now I know why.

4.) My biggest trivial worry these days is that I think we've got another epidemic on the horizon, one that no one seems to be talking about, and believe me, I've looked.  It may take another twenty or thirty years, but it's inevitable.

I'm speaking, of course, about Panda Head.

I started thinking about pandas (apparently a popular blog topic these days!) over Christmas break while playing Taboo with some friends.  The clues were eastern, Chinese, beast of burden.  Someone, not me, shouted "panda!".  You, of course, know that the answer was "yak", but it got me thinking about how unfair that is, that the yak should get all the hard jobs while the panda, also large, gets to hang around all day.

Why can't a panda be a beast of burden?  Sure, you'd have to fit it with some kind of special backpack, and you couldn't be in a hurry to get anywhere, but it could work.

So I looked up pandas on Wikipedia too (let's hope I never commit a crime and then the police have to look at my search history) and it turns out pandas are not considered reliable workers.

What they do really well is lie around and eat a huge amount of nutrient-poor bamboo.  They have to eat tons of it because their bodies are actually designed to eat meat, but they don't, because they're stubborn or something.  They only eat bamboo, and lots of it, just to have enough energy to lie around all day.
The scary part is where the article said that pandas have developed not only large bodies as a result of their low LOW metabolism, but that their heads have gotten large and bulbous for the same reason.

I think pretty much we're doomed.  Because bamboo is nature's cheese puffs.  Replace the tree branches with a love seat, and you've got a picture of half of America.  We're all just a Saved By the Bell marathon and a large bag of chips away from Panda Head.

This is really bad news for Americans, from an evolutionary standpoint, but great news for me, the forward-thinking entrepreneur.  Because not only do I see elastic waist pants as a growth industry, I  also foresee a new market for plus-size hats.  

Nobody steal my idea.

5.) And huge heads might even be the least of our worries.  Pandas are so lazy that in captivity they have to show the males XXX panda porn and give them Viagra just to get them to reproduce.  I'm not making this up.

We may just be snacking our way into extinction.

Maybe I've wandered away from "trivial" here. 

6.) Did I mention my son has one really long blond hair that grows out of his baby-soft cheek, and when we pull it out it regrows in the same place?  If we don't catch it the hair can reach an inch or more of luxurious waving growth. He wanted a razor for Christmas.

Here.  I made this for you.  And put down those cheese puffs, for God's sake.

34 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This post is so meaty!

Does my Helen Hunt forehead, by your theory, mean that I'm simply more evolved? Do I have a head start on the huge heed epidemic? Cause it's about time this forehead started earning its keep.

Kurt said...

While I think Pandas fix everything in general, I have to agree that they have really been slacking and maybe if they had to bear up the yoke once in a while they would be more appropriately humpy.

I'm really sorry about the "bear" thing. I can't help myself.

Gaston Studio said...

But... the pandas look so cuddly. give 'em some slack!

sas said...

i always thought that pandas have black eyes becasue they are just assholes.

Ed Adams said...

Laying around eating bamboo = sitting around eating cheese puffs?

I'm pretty sure I have some relatives that are pandas, based on your scientific theory.

This makes total since.

Unfortunately, they haven't developed the breeding problem yet.

Logical Libby said...

I try not to think about who I am related to, or how that could affect future generations. My immediate family gives me enough agita as it is.

And Pandas are furry alien overlords waiting for their moment to take over the planet.

miss. chief said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA poor pandas, they're just bloated, okay?

diane said...

Whew, now that you got all of that off of your chest. Be honest Vic, have you been eating the coffee beans straight out of the bag again?
I think you might have a future career in designing clothes for the 80plus set. It could be a family business specializing in elasticized polyester suits with Hawaiian fabrics.
Pandas are jerks (don't make that face). They're like the husbands of the animal kingdom. I think they should be trained to get off of their lazy *sses and take the garbage out.

Amanda said...

I love that wikipedia told you all this awesomeness about pandas. Maybe you should edit the panda entry and add your theory. That would be kickass.

diane said...

P.S. Chins, Case in Point:
Drew Barrymore & Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life". Poor girl.

chupacabra said...

Oh man I'm laughing my butt off- really the other half just fell on the floor and I'm going to have to figure out a way to reattach it. With my luck it will be upside down.
I just tried for the 11th or 12th time to finish that movie yesterday- still can't finish it always fall asleep or somethin'.

Soda and Candy said...

I LOLed for real at the hardy ancestor flapping the hunk of scalp back on and going home.
I wish you all the best in your plus-size hat endeavors.

PS - So pandas are basically giant koalas? Koalas eat only one type of gum leaf and it's super hard to digest so they basically lay around all day too.

Char said...

I would be more than happy to contribute to your large hat endeavor! Sounds like a really good investment. Trust me I have known several bigheadded people in my day.

too funny, you.

Wow, that was awkward said...

My son just came home with a panda from Build a Bear. It is named Fluffy. Three of his friends also brought home pandas, named Fluffy. Did wikipedia say anything about all the pandas being named Fluffy? And you aren't related to the panda clan are you? Is your middle name Fluffy?

kate said...

Man, I would make an awesome panda.

just making my way said...

There is some weird panda head moving going on in the end of that video. Pretty freaky.

And you better stay away from my cheese puffs!

Prosy said...

a lot of my ancestors are cousins- don't feel bad. Happens when you're from the south

Carolyn...Online said...

I am so bothered by the idea of someone sticking their entire arm into anyone's cavity that I can't even appropriately comment on the giant panda head epidemic brewing.

CaJoh said...

The whole missing time reminds me of when my wife and I moved in together. We did it over Labor Day weekend and was completely separated from any form of communication the whole time. It wasn't until that Monday that we found out that Lady Di passed away over the weekend.

Summer said...

Wow. Half scalped and kept on truckin'. They just don't make people that hardy anymore.

Also, I think I might be turning into a Panda.

Jules said...

Are you able to sleep? You have so many concerns and worries..... I mean, how are we going to stop Americans from getting giant Panda-heads? You should call Obama.

Carey said...

Eh... Go cry yerself to sleep on yer yooge pilla.

linlah said...

Maybe Lady Gaga could get a makeover to look like Madonna the way Julia Roberts did for the Golden Globes. Madonna's over 30 right?

Dawn said...

It's official now that you've solved the mystery. Pandas cause inbreeding. Much too lazy to get off the couch and look for a mate. Easier to wait on the next family reunion and pick one up there. See? Pandas are assholes. But on a positive note, larger hats come in handy when the top of your head has been cut loose and is flopping around.

Tgoette said...

Damn! I have it. I have Panda Head. I knew that our families tradition of marrying only first cousins would some day come back to bite us. Ooh, and I'm getting dark circles under my eyes...that's another sign too I'll bet. Is there a Panda Relief Fund that delivers food to Panda Head sufferers? I'm almost out of cheese puffs. Some help here???

Jen said...

"We're all just a Saved By the Bell marathon and a large bag of chips away from Panda Head." I've just spewed my coffee.

Jeff said...

There is nothing worse than an irate Indian, especially a local one. Distant ones, OK, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Pearl said...

Good Gawd but there's a lot going on here, Vic! You're poor head must be exploding with all of this humor!

Pearl

The Mother said...

The next big epidemic will either be:

polio, because of the anti-vax idiots, or

lassa fever.

Have a nice nightmare.

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

Thanks for your warning about Panda Head! I laughed my way through the comments, and down there on the right is a panda! I got this award, too. Is someone trying to tell us something?

Vic said...

Steamy,
If it's just your forehead it's a braininess thing. Cheesepuffs settle in all regions of the skull.
I miss Helen Hunt.

Kurt,
I am bearly smart enough to be your friend. Pandas are making me sad now with their apathy.

Gaston Studio,
That's exactly the way my son gets away with wearing dirty socks two weeks in a row.

sas,
Raccoons too. They're worse, all grabby and me, me, me.

Ed,
Maybe we're related. How's the inbreeding in your family?

Libby,
Pandas and koalas are the evil alliance.

miss.chief,
It's all that fiber. (Was that you laughing at the panda-bloat? They can't help it, it's their metabolism. Sheesh.)

diane,
I HAVE been feeling a little manic lately. And I am secretly hoping tassled pilgrim shoes come into style soon. Then I can go to bingo in style.

Amanda,
Ooh, I've never tried that! How long until they ban from the site? I may have to investigate!

diane,
*wobbly chin. sniff*

chupacabra,
Didn't I tell you about that movie?? It's toxic. Probably while you lost a cheek to begin with - it was loose.

Soda and Candy,
Thank you! What do you think about spandex cowboy hats? Koalas are the redneck cousins of pandas.
And I know something about redneck cousins...

Char,
Aw, thanks Char! It's good to have backers when you're going into a visionary business venture.

Wow,
As far as I can tell, no 'Fluffy's in the family line, but I'm not completely finished yet.

I think children are sensitive to panda mind-control. It's some kind of inside joke with those guys.

kate,
Working on your hat right now...

just making,
That's how pandas dance. Everyone knows that.

Prosy,
Thanks, Prosy! Do you think we're related? Did any of your ancestors shoot their brother with a shotgun? (Forgot to mention that one...)

Carolyn,
Just try to think of it like animal husbandry, like when vets help cows give birth. Only with big sweaty prisoners and baggies of powder.
There. Isn't that better?

CaJoh,
Sounds like you had a better weekend anyway. I'm always afraid I'll have a disconnected weekend like that and then come back and everyone is gone.

Summer,
It's just mind over matter. Scalp over mind? I'm keeping my scalp on my head either way.

Jules,
It HAS been hard sleeping, between the chicken music, and the big head thing.
I'm not sure if Obama has ever eaten a cheese puff. He might not be able to relate.

Carey,
Hey, I like you! (Head like SPUTNIK!)

Linlah,
Madonna's like thirty x 2. So....pretty old. That disguise would keep Lady Gaga safe for a long time.

Dawn,
It's pretty hard to make any of the random threads of my posts connect, and yet you've done it! I need you to keep me organized!
(and eww....a loose scalp in a hat is a slippy-slidey..)

Tgoette,
I have no sympathy for pandas who refuse to help themselves. It's tough Panda love. (that came out wrong, didn't it?)

Jen,
I love a good spit-take myself. It was the highlight of all the 70's sitcoms. :) Chip?

Jeff,
Thank you for highlighting 'local' instead of 'indian'. I was all worried about political correctness.

Besides, it's always your neighbors who cause the problems. None of mine have tried to scalp me yet, but I'm not ruling anything out.

Pearl,
It's exploding with something, that's for sure...:) That's what happens when you don't write a post for two weeks. Back up.

The Mother,
Thanks for making me look up 'Lassa Fever'. Such a good time.

On the bright side, when all the survivors go deaf we won't have to listen to talk radio anymore. Or that "Paparazzi" song that makes me want to dig my brain out with a paper clip.

Blissed-Out,
The pandas are infiltrating modern society. See Evil Panda/Koala alliance above.

Miss Yvonne said...

This explains why my head is slightly larger than average.

*puts down the cheese puffs*

Jocelyn said...

Insider tip: take underwear, put it on a model's head, and call it Plus Sized Headwear. That'll save you a ton of start-up costs.

Kez said...

Hahaha panda head! When I was in Thailand I saw they had a 24 hour reality show of a panda...it was SO boring. It just ate, slept, ate...