Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Probably We're Changing His Name to "Sparky" Now. Or "Mr. Burns."

Tonight my dog caught on fire. 

Really. 

One minute we were having a quiet moment in front of the fire on a cold and rainy night. I was telling him how handsome he is, and combing his Einstein eyebrows with my finger.   The next minute, Terrier Flambe.

It was the cats' fault.  They slither and slink in tight formation, sometimes rubbing the entire length of their bodies along the side of his head, and my poor little Jiffy Pop Dog interprets this as a feline assassination attempt. So when they did their jazzy approach tonight, the dog backed up.  Into the fireplace.

Well, only his tail went in, and we put it out for him right away, so it's okay.  I don't even think he knows, but the cats do.  They keep licking the singed hair on the end of his tail and smirking.

I'm looking into a therapist for my dog.

Other highlights of the week:

Yesterday our school and every other school in the district was put on lock down.  For a change it wasn't because of text message death threats and rumors of snipers on the roof (Snipers are so last year.  Last spring, specifically. One of my students hyperventilated because a maintenance man was walking around on the roof of my classroom and she thought it was a man with a gun).

This time we were on lock down because of a tornado.   In southern California.  It was heading straight for us!!  But then it took a wrong turn somewhere and got lost, and we lived.   I got to be in lock down alone, because it happened during my prep period and the next class period never came.  I did a great job of comforting myself.


I'm calling in fake tornado warnings every week from now on.

Also, I saw this at the junk store on Saturday, and I'm seriously thinking about buying it, even though I'm completely terrified of clowns.  Especially driftwood clowns. 



If you want we could share it.  It would look great over your dining room table.  I call him Spartacus.  Spartacus the Driftwood Clown.


And finally, (because my last post was really long, and I am practicing the fine art of restraint)--

The verification monkeys are starting to get on my nerves.




It's not like I'm gurgling all the time, it was just that once, and I was really quiet.  I kept my mouth closed.

Get off my back, internet spies.


39 comments:

Kez said...

Hahaha Mr Burns!
Poor pooch!

Jules said...

Lockdown during plan time is SO awesome! But for a tornado? We have different procedures for that. "Tornado Procedures". Cool name, I think.

And of COURSE the dog doesn't know but the cats do. Cats are super smart. I wouldn't be shocked if the cat caught his tail on fire just for entertainment. Now they have something to do for the rest of the week.

Berowne said...

Hot dogs have always been popular.

Gaston Studio said...

Poor doggie; bad kitties. I had 3 cats (they've all passed now), two of whom would gang up on the other one on a regular basis. I was forever "saving Sami" from those two terrors.

That clown makes me think of a wolf!

Ed Adams said...

HA!

"I'm calling in Tornado warnings..."

good stuff

just making my way said...

Clearly those cats planned that all along. Just think what would have happened if you weren't around to rescue him?

And excuse me, did you not see Poltergeist?!? Don't buy that clown.

Peggy said...

Poor puppy...tsk tsk felines! You should get Carlos Spicy Weiner to have Mr. Burn's back! (Or at least to smell his butt once in a while!)

Logical Libby said...

think of how cool that clown would look burning in your fireplace... Actually, that probably isn't a good idea, the paint is probably toxic.

miss. chief said...

wow, that clown is wonderful. Maybe you should mail it here, for safekeeping.

kate said...

HA! My cat caught on fire a few years ago (on Christmas no less). It was just his tail, too, but it was still pretty funny/slightly traumatic.

You know that you live in tornado alley when the tornado sirens go off, but no one in your office seems concerned enough to say anything (true story - last year, I walked out of my office to go to my car after work and heard the sirens. I went back in to be like, 'uhh...did anyone know that we're under a tornado warning?' and all I got back were a few shrugs and people going 'yeah, so?' We're so hardass in the midwest).

Char said...

Does the eye of that clown follow you when you walk past? I just have a creepy feeling about him. Maybe you could buy him and let the cats push him in the fire.

Mr Burns is good.

xoxo

Miss Yvonne said...

Cats are evil. I know this. I have two of them and they would totally throw our dog into the fireplace if we had a fireplace. Or a dog.

Also, tornadoes are the new swine flu.

Cynthia L. H. said...

Oh, poor little Sparky (I really did have a dog named that when I was little.) I hope that he is recuperating nicely from the recent trauma...and speaking of trauma...WOW! That clown...yes, the fireplace would be the place for that. Tornado-Schnornado...well, not really...even though I live in tornado alley, I am not so blase' about them...I've seen what they can do. I heard a young girl in class yesterday who said that she thought tornado warnings were funny. ;^- (They may be cool when you can hide out and be safe, as you were...) ...but I clearly think she needs not to live in Oklahoma.

Amanda said...

We get tornadoes all the time here in Florida because it's so flat. People are so flip about it too. They're all, "oh, don't worry it probably wont' hit us". PROBABLY. Your school needs to be in a semi-basement like my office is; that way people wouldn't get so freaked.

I'd go with Sparky; it has some zing to it!

Allison said...

Aww, that is too funny :) Good thing you were quick with the fireman skills!!

Vel said...

I've gotta tell ya, that "clown" looks more like a raccoon to me so I don't think you should hesitate to go get him. A driftwood raccoon clown named Spartacus? Who could pass that up?

erin said...

I do not want that driftwood clown bear thing. I know you have my address, but it would not be advisable to send it here. You have no idea what I might send back. (It might be another redhead for you to clothe and feed and nurture).

I'm glad the dog is ok. Did the whole house stink like burnt doghair for days?

bikramyogachick said...

Oh crap, that is so funny! I could totally picture the cats smirking at your poor dog! Good stuff!

The Mother said...

I ran my cat through the washer once.

She was really miffed. That'll teach her to sleep in laundry baskets.

Eric said...

You should buy the driftwood clown and donate it to the Museum of Bad Art.

Kurt said...

Roof Snipers are hip and edgy as far as crises go. You don't want to be the last school in your county without one. They are the Jordache© Jeans of emergencies only instead of Jordache© pick a brand name that is trendy and current.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh, how embarrassing for your dog. It's hard to pull of the whole "I meant to do that" bit that dogs do when it involves catching fire.

I used to catch fire often, back when I wore baggier sweaters, and let me tell you, dignity goes right out the window when you're on fire. You can quote me on that.

Lindsay said...

"vic gurgled" - classic!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

We don't have lockdown for tornadoes.

We just run like fools for the restrooms.

Or, if you're smart, you go for the offices in the back of the building where they don't have windows or exterior walls. Or the lingering smell of shit.

Chelle said...

Is it terribly expensive? Maybe it'd be something nice to display on your desk at school... y'know, to brighten up the classroom atmosphere.

Looks more like a 'Mr Woody' to me.

linlah said...

I hate when cats get all West Side Story on a dog.

Harna said...

Tornados are total dicks, but at least you guys just had a pussy ass one. Not like the ones in good 'ole Kansas that level entire towns.

Just.Kate said...

Spartacus the Driftwood Clown has no place in my life. NO PLACE.

("Mr. Burns" made me snort and choke on nothing at all. :D)

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Hot Dogs, windy things and Woody Woodpecker dressed up like a clown. That's just good stuff.

diane said...

Poor Sparky. Cats are scary, because they treat each other just as crappy as they treat you. So, they're kind of heartless, right up until they're purring peacefully in your lap when you're crying, and then you forgive them, naturally.
I think you should buy that clown and give him a home with your hoof flask, alien hat, and other stuff that would be homeless if not for you.
Did you make that gurgling noise while you were alone hiding out from the Tornado? Because then it could just be your body's way of distracting you from impending doom.

Soda and Candy said...

Every time you need a nap, and have a free period? Tornado alert!

Also, that driftwood clown is terrifying. It will strangle you in your sleep with its splintery little claws.

Girl Interrupted said...

Cats are evil ... but that's kinda what makes them so cool. I know that's why I like them.

And that's a clown??? I thought it was one of the evil cats, plotting his next act of fiendish sabotage on the poor flaming furball ... I mean, dog.

Hope you have a lovely weekend Vic :) ... btw: I like the weekly lockdown idea too, we all need some quality "Me" time, eh? x

Ps: wv is "reeling" ... makes me think of your poor pooch!

Jocelyn said...

That's really kind of slick, the way you're pretending the picture of your dog after the fire is actually a driftwood clown.

That'll keep the ASPCA off your doorstep.

Or, if they show up, point at the sky and tell them you see a tornado.

CatLadyLarew said...

Terrier Flambe? Love it! I'd be smirking too, if I were the cat... but then again, I don't really like cats. Better if it were the other way around.

Fragrant Liar said...

Bwaaah-ha-ha-ha! "Vic gurgling." That's hysterical.

But your poor student! Freaking out because of the maintenance man on the roof? I'd have freaked too. I mean, it IS Southern California.

Seriously, there is not a cooler animal on the planet besides the cat. I bet they giggle and point at the dog when he's not looking.

Dominica said...

Those word verifications can be really annoying or superfunny ! I'm thinking in keeping those words written down in a little notebook and write a story with all these words involved.
One of my cats burned her whiskers a couple of months ago ; result, cat looked like the spitting image of Salvador Dali ...:-)

Dominica said...

PS the word I had to type just now (word verification) = flapper .....
LOL

truestarr said...

Poor dog. (Really funny word picture though! Maybe I'm part cat...)

So sorry about the tornado warning, and the initial belief that you were all going to die! On the other hand, the timing of it coming during your prep period was a stroke of genius on the part of the weather fairies.

Good that you didn't have to spread your comforting too thinly.

chupacabra said...

Driftwood?!?! Clowns?!?!? Driftwood clowns! Arrrrgh- give me a tornado on a roof with a sniper rifle any day.

Clowns- the Devils ambassadors.