Monday, February 22, 2010

Peevish. Also waspish and snappy.

I'm cranky.

I was going to try and write a cheerful-sounding post (fake it till you make it!) but five minutes ago my son called down the stairs, "Mom!!  I think I just Febrezed the cat!  Is he going to go blind?"

(Sometimes there are impulse control issues around my house, and spontaneous Febrezing occurs.  Also skateboarding down the stairs. Also microwaving metal objects. )

After I stomped up the stairs and performed a full physical on the cat, I  determined that he had only been misted, so he's not blind, only really fresh. But now it’s way too late for phony cheer, I’m sorry to say. Consider yourself warned.

Things that are currently pissing me off:
  • Remember my last post, where I shared poorly-written excerpts from student essays? Well. I owe them an apology.
Today I received an email from a teacher's aide at my school.  I have copied and pasted the entire email for you here, worded exactly as it appeared:
Eduardo is failing your class. Is she not turning in his assignments? What he be working on now?
What he be working on? Why, nothing!  That's why he/she is FAILING.
(It’s okay though!!  Gov. Schwarzenegger has set up a special education website, full of helpful information. Thank you, Mr. Terminator! I think it’s really going to make a difference.  My favorite part of the website is the header, which reads:

 A place for infromation about California Schools .  

I keep going back there, hoping they've fixed it, but nope.  We be freeing ourselves from the shackles of spelling and capitalization rules here in the Golden State!  No wonder we don’t need a budget anymore! )

  • Four separate people have used the phrase “What a hoot!” in my hearing this week.  No.  I don’t care what state you’re from, or how funny that crazy George Lopez is, nothing should ever be a “hoot”.  I will pinch you.  Hard.

  • An old roommate of my husband’s has shown up on Facebook.  He’s almost forty.  His new girlfriend is eighteen, the same age as his daughter. There are all these pictures of him, with his receding hairline and stupid grin, standing in a group of high school kids, one arm slung over his adolescent lady-love, or just the two of them, wrapped around each other in glittery pink lust.  Last time we talked to him he was married to an age-appropriate person, but now he’s dating Miley Cyrus, and as a high school teacher, this makes me more than a little nauseous.

  • I sort of hate the neighbor kid.  Not the one I’ve written about here before, that hits himself in the head with bricks and rides his bike into trees.  He’s okay.  It’s this new one that’s shown up.  He’s eight, younger than the rest of the kids, but I’m pretty sure he’s evil. 
For instance, he stands on our front porch and stares into the house through the blinds like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. You’ll just be walking by the front window, and there he is, just watching through the window and grinning. He-ee-re’s Johnny!

Last Saturday he showed up on our doorstep at 7:00 am, and began ringing the doorbell.

Ring,ring,ring,ring,ring.   Ring,ring,ring,ring,ring. Ring,ring,ring,ring,ring. Pause.  Ring,ring,ring,ring,ring.

Finally someone stumbled to the door.  Me. He wanted my son to come outside.

Me: “He’s still asleep.”
Demon Boy: “When is he going to get up?”
Me: “I don’t know.  I’ll tell him you came by.  Maybe he’ll be out later.”  Attempt to close door. Small foot in Payless ninja sneaker is squarely in the way.
Demon Boy: “When?”
Me: ”I DON’T KNOW.”  Attempt to push small foot from doorway.  Demon Boy has strength of much larger individual.
Demon Boy:  “Can you go get him right now?”
Me: “NO. He’ll be up lat-“
Demon Boy: “Why not?  Pull his hair.  That’ll wake him up. You want me to come in and do it? You don’t know how?”
Me:  “I know how, I mean NO.  Go home, Demon Boy.”  Almost succeed in closing door.
Demon Boy:  “My cousin needs to use your phone. Can he come in?  Our electricity isn’t working.”
Me:  “The phone doesn’t run on electricity.”
Demon Boy:  “I mean, the internet is down.  We don’t have any cable.  Can he use the phone now?”
Me:  “Who do you need to call?
Demon Boy: “Someone.  I mean, my mom.  He’s coming now.”
Cue teenage, non-English-speaking cousin who appears on our lawn out of nowhere, or possibly from out of our bushes.
Cousin:  “You dial phone.  I make call.”

Which I did, like someone under hypnosis.   Cousin spent five full minutes on my phone, speaking in an unidentified language.  Then he handed me back the phone without even glancing in my direction, turned on his heel and left, a grinning Demon Boy trailing behind him.

Also, on Monday, Demon Boy tried to off Accident-Prone Boy with a shovel in our front yard.  He’s going to fit right in to our neighborhood.  I’m getting better locks for the front door.

I need to go lie down now.  Tomorrow, when I get up, everything will be shiny new and sunny once again.

You’ll see.  It’ll be a hoot.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Aw, Vic be all ranty up in this blizzog. He be agnry.

That's called "Gender-Ambiguous Jive", Vic. Way to be culturally sensitive.

sas said...

someone must have febreezed demon boy.

and your husbands old roomate.

Kez said...

I love what you be working on. This blog makes me smile - hope you feel less cranky soon. This post worked for me :)

We used to have a neighbour kid who would ask to play the hubby's Nintendo Game Cube all the time. I knew this was suspicious because NO-ONE ever liked the Game Cube.
It was a Nintendo failure. And the kid had a mullet. Wrong.

chupacabra said...

"An old roommate of my husband’s has shown up on Facebook. He’s almost forty... "

As an avowed creep and lover of women reasonably younger than myself I must say that is creepy- very creepy and wrong.

chupacabra said...

PS- hope things are looking up for you.

miss. chief said...

We have a demon boy in our neighborhood too. He bullies all the other kids because they're all like 10 and under and he's 14 and has no friends...

I've said some not so nice things to him in the past and now he kind of just lurks around his own house and stares out the window instead of going through our recycling bin or yelling at us that we're not allowed to use somebody's pool noodle...

kids are weirdos. Don't let him in the house again.

diane said...

I had so many cool things to say to this, but they all just flew out of my head when Cute Hubby said "The milk has chunks, but they all disappear when you stir it a little. It's not sour yet." What is it with men? Can I come over to your house, I think I'd rather deal with demon boy right now.

JustLinda said...

That note from the teacher? And the web site error? My twitch is back.

On a bad day, those may just be enough to push me over the edge. Demon Boy ought to give me a wide berth because he is a mighty juicy target for my wrath.

Oh, wait. We're talking about you, not me. You're probably way more kind and patient. And probably prettier, too.

(I'm terrified of making a grammar or spelling error in this post. Because if I do, my wrath is meaningless. If I do, you can Fabreze my eyes as punishment. Deal?)

erin said...

The facebook friend thing is SOOO disturbing.
There's this girl my age on facebook who was in special ed at our high school. I was in the gifted program in school and for some strange reason we mentored the mentally challenged kids in special ed once a week in the library. This girl was the person I 'mentored' for four years. Anyways, she's just very slow to learn, but otherwise pretty cool.

ANYWAYS last week on facebook she announced that she was engaged and put up some 'engagement' photos.

The dude is older than my dad and one of my dad's customers. I can't tell you what kind of drugs he's on (my dad's a pharmacist) but I can tell you she's 27 and mentally challenged and he's 56 and recovery challenged.

I feel sick just talking about it.

Here's my rant on your rant post.

Kurt said...

I think all cats could use a little Febreezing. It would really help with that litter smell maybe and also cats + squirt bottles = hilarity.

Megs said...

I think I need lessons on how to win friends and influence people from your neighborhood demon child.

Good luck!

Carolyn...Online said...

You know what people like to say here in the South? "Where you at?" They say it all the time. I have turned around in the grocery store and admoinshed them for it. Then they egg my car. But I'll make them all stop. It's my mission.

Tony said...

I really enjoy cranky blogs. They be hilarieus. Also Demon Boy be crazy. Hope you doin good this morning, Vic, and I'm sorry if this comment be making you angry.

kate said...

Mini-Jack Nicholson's are nothing to mess around with. Get better locks.

I work for a bunch of doctors who have the world's WORST grasp of the English language in emails. Writing "clal pt wit infromation abot appt wld B good" is NOT appropriate when you have an M.D.

Miss Yvonne said...

I hate neighbor kids. All of them. Stop riding your skateboard on my driveway! And get off the lawn!

Deep down inside, I'm an 80 year old man.

Vel said...

You realize it was Demon Boy's cousin who set up that California Schools Web site, right? Just sayin'.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Demon boy scares me. We had a scary child too that was as big as an adult but dumb and sweet as sugar, until he got caught stealing from the bestest nicest person in the world. Then his DEMON mother went all gangsta shit on my sweetie neighbor. WTF?
Yikes the nightmares.
My grammar and spelling why I have a degree in physical education.

BTW, word verification is exatedus! well exa teed this!
Over the top, mad woman, over the top. Self admonishing stopping now.

Summer said...

Demon boy sounds incredibly creepy. You are so nice. I wouldn't have let his creepy ass in further than the doorstep. Proceed with caution, Girl!

MJenks said...

So...this old room you have a link to his profile? You know, so that the rest of us can be...disgusted and well. *shifty-eyed*

I had the same incessant ringing of the doorbell and knocking this past weekend. The kids across the street wanted to play with my kids, and I didn't feel like sitting out in the front yard to make sure no perverts stole any of them. So, I deflected the questions, buying myself as much time as possible.

Later in the afternoon, I was assigned yard-sitting duty.


Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, this is just a warning, Teach. I be thinking the kid with the foreign lingo was calling his homedogs and telling them everything you had in your house, right under your nose! And you didn't smell that??? Shoulda Febreezed the kid.

Karen said...

Men are strange. My husband is ten years older than me - but I didn't meet him until I was in my mid thirties.

What on earth do they talk about? They can't possibly have anything in common.

Maybe you should get a priest for demon boy.

Ed said...

Maybe if you start Febreezing Demon Boy every time he shows up, he'll get the hint.

Chelle said...

My brother's psychotic ex wife married a 75 year old... she's 34. For love, though.

The end.

Chelle said...

Want me to link you to her fb profile? There are ugly piiiictures......

WV- Scanch. I'm picking that world up. How are you feeling, Michelle?

Meh. Scanch.

Chelle said...

world= word, Damn't.

Jules said...

You need to punch the kid AND your husband's old roommate. WTF????

Then go drink.

Scribe said...

You're a hoot.

Harna said...

My mom Febrezes the dog all the time and he can still see, so I think it's cool. Oh and someone just said "lick my ass and suck my balls" outside my apartment that's a hoot.

That Baldy Fella said...

Cats love Febreze. Thety're jealous of our opposable thumbs that allow us to operate the spray. true story.

otherworldlyone said...

I febreeze my animals all the time. When they see the bottle they take off running, terror in their eyes. It's our fun little game.

Oh gawd. Children make me angry. I'm not sure I could ever live in a normal neighborhood where people wander about in the streets and children knock on your door. I'm far to grumpy for that.

Scare the shit out of the kid if he comes by again. It'll be good for him.

diane said...

I was actually thinking the same thing as Fragrant Liar. Don't let those kids near your house.

Amanda said...

California caught a case of the smarts!

linlah said...

Maybe the teachers aid wrote the header.

Peggy said...

I'm thinking the dog febreezed the cat (for the fire shove) and your son was trying to cover for him (dog lover). Am I right?

Demon boy...ugh...I hate demon boys!

msprimadonna67 said...

That email is sad--and unfortunately, not all that uncommon. I am often amazed at what the educators in our district send out through the district email.

Cynthia L. H. said...

What a hoot! The WHOLE crazy thing!
(Hope things are lookin' up for you.)
(Word verification: obolocoi.)
I take that as Oh. Boy. Loco. Oi.

just making my way said...

Here in our particular corner of the Northeast they like to say, "Have a good one." Which is sort of a bastardized version of "Have a good day."

Maybe everyone around here has been spraying each other with Febreeze.