Monday, February 01, 2010

Three Strikes and You're Stupid

Strike One:

"I know a lot of people with no legs." 

I said this to a perfect stranger at Starbucks the other day. I honestly don't know why.  In my head, as I said it, I was thinking Really, Vic?  A lot of legless people?? Do tell. 

I don't even remember what the context was, or if the man was throwing around wild facts of his own, and I felt I had to keep up.  He wasn't even handsome, so I had no reason to impress him, and even if I did, claiming to know legions of amputees just says "chemical imbalance" not "woman of the world".

For the record, I do know some people without legs, but not a lot, and maybe it doesn't count, because I think I've only known one person with no legs at all.   The others were at least still partially legged.  To clarify, the score is :
               Individuals I Have Known With No Legs At All=  1
               Individuals I Have Known With One Leg, or Portions of Leg Remaining= 2 to 3

So, possibly four acquaintances with leg issues.  Is that a lot?  It's hard to say what the qualifications are, I guess, but the point is that my social skills have apparently still not grown in.

Strike Two:

At the video store, after a death match battle with another customer for the last copy of "Whip It" (roller derby!)  I left the store in triumph, strode with purpose to the car, and got in the passenger seat.  Then I buckled in securely, because I'm all about safety first.

So then I was sitting there thinking about Drew Barrymore and waiting for everyone else to get in the car, when I realized that the car smelled a


Like diapers.

I glanced casually in the back seat and saw a  battered blue car seat, covered in what looked like a year's worth of gummed Cheerios.

Even though my youngest child is eleven, the reality of my situation was slow to sink in. And then, suddenly, there it was.

I was sitting in someone else's car. 

And any minute that someone was going to come tearing out of the store and wrestle me and my hard-won copy of "Whip It" to the ground.

I quick unbuckled and climbed out, closing the car door as softly as possible, and tried to look like I had only been loitering curbside, not breaking in to parked cars.

I would have gotten away undetected, only my son was standing outside the car, (which I saw now was not even the same kind of car) shaking his head in disbelief.  As we walked to our real car, parked clear across the parking lot, he whispered, "Mom, the door handles weren't even the same! That's so sad."

Strike Three:

I blame Facebook for this one.  It's Doppelganger Week, or was, or will be sometime soon, I'm not sure, and you're supposed to change your profile picture to the picture of your famous-person-lookalike.  And even though I wasn't going to change my profile picture, probably, I got curious to see what famous person others would think was my doppelganger.

I had absolutely no clue, but back in college people used to say I looked a little like Elisabeth Shue, so I found a picture of her, and then, (here's the stupid part), called my husband over to look at it.  His job, obviously, was to marvel at the likeness and then back away slowly, but I forget he doesn't know this.

"Do you think she looks like me?"
Squint.  Throat-clear.  Twisty, thoughtful mouth squinch.  "Well...she's smiling."
"Yeah, I know she's smiling.  Does she look like me?"
"Well.....your... hair is the same.... length!"  He looks up hopefully at me.
"Our hair is the same length?  That's the best you can do?"
"Well, I don't know! Who is that person anyway?"
"Elisabeth Shue!  I'm trying to find a picture of someone who could be my doppelganger.   It's a   Facebook thing."
"Oh!  I've always thought you look like Roland Orzabal." He looks pleased. Problem solved.
"Roland Orzabal? The guy from Tears for Fears?!?"
He sees my horrified face, and starts to backpedal.  "Well, maybe like his sister. That's what I meant."  Beads of sweat have appeared on his forehead.
"This is about that bi-level I had in 1986, isn't it?"
"No, of course not!  And it was a mullet".
"Bi-level. 1986 was a tough fashion year!  I'm going to look him up and prove to you I don't look like Roland Orzabal."
Then he ran from the room, but  I googled Mr. Orzabel anyway, and found this:

I've never felt more beautiful.  In case you want to see the picture bigger, you can go directly to the site I got it from.  Just google the blog title, which is "The Ugliest Men in the History of Rock and Roll".

I'm not even going to bring up the time a coworker thought my husband looked like Dwight Schrute. Don't even think I will.

 I still didn't know who I looked like, so I did a bunch of those on-line picture analysis things to figure it out. This is who the internet thinks I look most like, according to three different, highly scientific tests.  I'm equal parts flattered and freaked out.

So, either Roland Orzabal or Sharon Tate.

Also the internet suggests a resemblance to Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela. I hear he's pretty handsome, and mullet-free, last I heard.   It's a step up.


Kez said...

Those internet applications that tell you who you look like or what your kids will look like, never works for Asian looking folks like myself. I get told I look like random male Asians (who look nothing like me) and once I put my hubby's and my faces in a generator to find out what the babies would look like and they came out half black.

Oh and there's this guy I saw at a work meeting who looks JUST like Dwight Schrute. JUST LIKE HIM. Mannerisms too!!

Jules said...

I am laughing out LOUD at you sitting in someone else's car all proud of yourself while your son stands outside shaking his head......

THAT is one for the books!

diane said...

Vic, the door handles weren't even the same.......Hahahaha. Don't feel bad, I still think you're beautiful and smart.

Berowne said...

I had the same experience. Got in the car -- the same model, year, color, etc. as mine -- and wondered why the ignition wouldn't work.

And all the time the owner was across the street, watching carefully...

That Baldy Fella said...

Apparently I look like Johnny Depp, Lech Walesa (yes, the former Polish president who is in his 60s), Gary Oldman, Kevin Kline, Kiefer Sutherland or Dostoyevsky - all of whom have hair and look nothing like me (or, indeed, each other). I'm not overly convinved as to the validity of this new-fabgled lookey-likey technology....

Gaston Studio said...

Gotten into the wrong car in a parking lot, been there, done that much to my embarrassment.

Now as to the doppleganger thingie, I much prefer the Sharon Tate (with hair!) lookalike!

just making my way said...

Sharon Tate is definitely a step up. Maybe while doppleganger week is going on you could somehow mention all the people you know who have leg issues, it might gain you some coolness points.

The car. Funniest thing I've read in awhile!

Miss Yvonne said...

I tried to get in the wrong car recently also. It was a red, compact. My car is a black Jeep. So yeah...there's that.

Also? If your husband looks like Dwight Schrute I am going to have to stalk him on account of the huge crush I have on him. I know what you want to ask me and yes, I do realize how messed up I am.

erin said...

Ah-HA! My pappy got into someone else's car once after a family dinner at a restaurant. We were all yelling at him that he was in the wrong car and he just kept yelling back arguing that we were wrong and that we should stop messing with us.

Things got ugly when he kept arguing with the actual owners of the car.

And there was no copy of Whip It! in play. Can you imagine?

Jeff said...

I think knowing three (or possibly four) people with no legs is above average. So I guess the message here is: If we want to keep all of our natural legs, don't get to know you.

Ed Adams said...

I can totally picture you sitting in that strangers car, and your son standing outside shaking his head in disbelief and wishing you weren't related.

Good stuff Vic!

bikramyogachick said...

I don't know anybody with missing legs or parts of legs, so you can say ALOT. The car thing though....that's definitely a strike, but who leaves their damn car unlocked anymore! Not entirely your fault! :)

Eric said...

Is it just me or does Roland Orzabal look like the effeminate actor on 'Two and a Half Men'. Um, not that I watch such things, ever.

Summer said...

I actually had a sigh of relief then fell on the floor rolling. Girl, that's hilarious.

My husband told me once that I looked like Kurt Cobain. He made references at frizzy hair. It wasn't our finest hour.

kate said...

If it makes you feel any better, I fell out of a car this weekend while going to the bars - like, full on, flaily-dive out of the car...I landed on the street/snow-ice combo on my knees, sat in the snow and cried for a minute and then went drinking. I am all that is graceful. Oh, and then I asked my husband all seductive-like if he would like me to learn how to do the slutty pole dancing know, to be hot. He told me that might not be a bad idea since I could definitly stand to be in better shape. Awwww...

Tanya said...

My first comment because you made me laugh OUT LOUD, really. My husband was giving me strange looks and asking me if he needed to take my caffeinated beverage away.

I was laughing so hard because I pulled a legless people comment the other day at the grocery store. Except I started talking about Ramen noodles and my experience/knowledge with such noodles.

I have also gotten in a car that was not my own. So, we're a lot alike you and me.

Peggy said...

Well I guess you've cornered the market on "knowing people with no legs" I, sadly don't know one!

I do know I guy with a stub hand though, I'd throw that out at Starbucks (maybe even a Dunkin Donuts) any day.

I love that you got in the wrong car and your kid let you...golden!

Vic said...

That's weird, because the other person I always get on my look-alike collage is Lucy Liu!
You don't work with my husband, do you?

I am so smooth I'm like pudding. Or like yogurt,but without the fruit chunks. If you want sophistication lessons, I'm available.

You may be the only thing standing between me and tragically low self-esteem - :)

At least you got in a car you could justify confusing with yours! This was some kind of minivan, and I refuse to own one of those.
Did the owner have the police on the phone while he was watching you?

No way, it's totally reliable. I'm the spitting image of Daniel Day Lewis. The picture showed him with a beard.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's done this. I'm a little absent-minded...

Just Making,
Knowing a lot of amputees IS really really cool, so I'm probably going to try your suggestion. I know a couple of people with no arms too. Do you think I should throw that in there?

Miss Yvonne,
What's with everyone and the Schrute fetish? It's the muscular lips, I bet.
He doesn't really look like DS, but don't tell him I said that. I'm trying to torture him.

I love a man with a firm resolve. And just a touch of Alzheimer's. It's my thing.

Now that you mention, all of those people lost their limbs AFTER I met them.
Wanna come over?

It was my finest hour. "Whip It" was pretty good too. :)

I know! It's like they WANTED me to sit in their crusty pleather seats. I can't be held responsible.

Duckie!! I loved Duckie in "Pretty in Pink". That's who you mean, right? Jon Cryer. Now he looks like Roland Orzabal's accountant little brother.

Ouch- Kurt Cobain? At least he was kinda pretty, in a grungy, plaid kind of way. Seattle will do terrible things to your hair. (I grew up in Oregon, and pretty much had an afro until college, when I moved smoothly into the mullet phase.)

I feel a lot better now! I'm picturing you all slumped over in the snow, all snotty-nosed. I want to pat your head, and then take you home and watch "Whip It" and maybe have some popcorn.

That pole-dancing thing is harsh. I say no sex for him until he takes it back!

Vic said...

Hi! Thanks for commenting, and for being a fellow idiot. (I can say that, can't I? I feel we know each other well enough now.)
So...what do you know about Ramen?

I hear stub hands are totally in this year. I just made that up, but next time we go to Starbucks, you and I can talk all knowledgeable about it.

@eloh said...

This post creeped me out... just a tad, but creeped out nonetheless.

I climaxed at knowing that was Sharon Tate before being told... then finding myself scrolling back and forth between her picture and yours and seeing a definite resemblance in the smile...

Wow, that was awkward said...

Whodduh thunk Roland Orzabal would make me so happy. OMG Vic, this was a laugher of a post. Thank you!

By the way, I know one guy with no legs. And he is the toughest mofo I've ever met. He could kick my ass in a hearbeat and I'm 6'-2" / 210.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I frightened the cat by snorting all the way through your post. Roland Orzabal? Really?

Ellie said...

That resemblance thing? Forget it.

Tony said...

Haha! Just browsing through other people's blogs, and I believe I found yours through Ed.

Great post, though. Don't feel bad about getting into another person's car...I do that about twice a year. Plus, you were excited about Whip It!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Once again I'm in tears. Funny stuff.

Lo said...

I should comfort you with the day my brother and I were racing to get to the car first after a rare dinner out with the family (we were competitive)and I finally won. So I celebrated by locking the doors and leaning on the horn until the owner came out.
Oops. Thanks for the laugh.

diane said...

I can't keep quiet about this: Eloh's comment. I am so jealous. I don't think anyone ever climaxes over my posts. Maybe I have to try harder.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh Roland. You'll always have your talent.

I think, if I had been in line with you at Starbucks, I would have held on after that no legs comment and never let go.

Last weekend at Yogurtland I made friends in line with a woman who caught me sniffing the walls. "Something smells like feet," I explained. She agreed. I was sad when we had to say goodbye.

@eloh said...

By the way, I wrote a post a couple days ago about the legless guy my Aunt killed. His name was Stanley and he was one nice guy. She just sexed him up too much and, well, he bought the farm right then and there.

Kurt said...

Everyone knows the number of legless people you are acquainted with is directly proportional to social status.

I just claim to know all of them.

Like if you lose a leg you have to register with me. I'm the sexual predator list of amputation.

diane said...

See what I mean? Eventually, the subject always turns to sex.

LiLu said...

I refuse to take any of those things, lest my fragile ego be crushed.

But you have your son to do that for you.

Char said...

I am laughing so hard, I'm about to pee my pants. When I was younger, I was told several times I looked like Sally Field and Karen Valentine. Now, I just look like a damned old broad.

Oh, and one time I got in my car and reached for the steering wasn't there...I was in the back seat! 8-)

ps~I know zero amputees.

Megs said...

Once in college, when my husband worked the drive through at the bank, a family rolls up to the window and they are laughing hysterically.

So the driver tells my (then boyfriend): We are laughing because our daughter just asked us why Aaron Carter was working the drive through at the bank.

The internet tells me I look like Anne Hathaway, Celine Dion, and some guy I've never heard of. And I'm married to Aaron Carter.

We'll make such interesting children together.

linlah said...

There is nothing better in the world than getting called on you're stupid by your kid. That always warms my heart.

Fragrant Liar said...

Yowza! Thank you, HUBS! Is the guy still breathing?

I have been laughing my butt off (inside my head) at your mixed up car routine. And with witnesses that happened to be your kids! HAHAHAHAHAHA! My kids would never let me live that one down, so I am just feeling all kinds of sympathy for you right now.

I didn't know it was Doppelganger Week on FB, and I have no clue who looks like me (certainly, I hope, not that Orzabal guy). Suggestions?

truestarr said...

I so enjoyed this post. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. (My husband thinks I am crazy) What a great son you have! He let you get into that car, just to see what would happen (and perhaps how long it would take you to figure out...) At least he's not a meddler or a control freak.

As for the fact that you are acquainted with so many limbless people: you ARE an expert!

As for the doppleganger thing- you are beautiful and besides there's no one quite like you anyway! (thank god THAT facebook week is over)

Carolyn...Online said...

Eeks. I just had a spiral perm flashback from 1986.

Marie said...

Oh Vic, I have done all of those things too!! Said something so preposterous it even astonished me, gotten into the wrong car and my doppelganger is my cousin Beatrice who is safely in Ireland so I think will not be reading this blog. Beatrice is sweet and kindly. She also weighs about 350 lbs. and has a half a dozen wens on her face with hair growing out of them.

Everyone in my family insists we are the spitting image of each other.

Just shoot me.

Kim said...

I went to that celebrity look alike thing and I think Steamy had more Asian matches than me. Weird.

The last Santa said...

I had mistakenly got into another persons car thinking it was mine. It was the strangest thing. I exited quickly thinking that I was going to get arrested.What are the odds of someones car door being unlocked? It's evidence that the trickster may be real. A trickster is a god, goddess, spirit, or anthropomorphic animal,that tricks humans into embarrassing situations.

Skye Blue said...

"Mom, the door handles weren't even the same! That's so sad."

Classic. I can just imagine how much he wanted a hole to appear in the sidewalk so he could disappear.

And re the Roland Orzabal look alike thing - I feel your pain. But at least that Sharon Tate is a cutey.

Berowne said...

Vic: "Did the owner have the police on the phone while he was watching you?"

No. Fortunately, or unfortunately, there were no cell phones in those days.

Chelle said...

Some things:

1. I know two one legged people. One of them is my brother in law who thinks it's funny to answer the door with his leg on backwards. It is funny.

2. I did this exact same thing. Only at the time i drove a dark blue Chev blazer, which my sister was sitting in while I went pee in a gas station. Not only did I get into a giant, silver, dodge durango on the passenger seat, but I sat down, closed the door and proceeded to tell the woman in the driver's seat who was staring at me, that the vehicle seemed really roomy as I stroked the dash. Then I looked over to the vehicle beside me as my sister who was sitting in the passenger seat laughed and laughed and pointed at me. You can't gracefully leave that situation.

3. My doppleganger this week is Donald Trump. Thanks, salon, for the orangeish-brass hair color.

Chelle said...

Scratch that. My darling Neil just compared me to a young William Shatner.

otherworldlyone said...

I think knowing 3-4 people with... leg a lot. Maybe.

The car thing is completely understandable. Parents are, 9 times out of 10, hopelessly distracted. It's a defense mechanism.

I once grabbed the wrong kid's hand at the zoo and started towing her off. Thankfully I didn't get two feet before her real mother screamed like a banshee. My kid just stood there and stared at me with that expression on her face that says, "I'm going to remember this and bring it up in therapy in 20 years...and your the bitch that's paying for it."

And: Whip It = Awesome.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Ok, I stumbled across you and I haven't been able to stop reading. You're a riot. Then I read this and can't stop laughing.

And if it makes you feel any better, I've been told I look just like Eddie Van Halen. I believe he would also be on the Ugliest Rock Star alive list...

Rachel said...

Your life sounds exactly like mine. But what i love about you is you know how to laugh at yourself!

Bridgette said...

Son: (three years old) "You're pretty Mummy".
Me: "Aww, thank you baby"
Son: "Not you"

Son walks away.

Me - stands, looks around empty room. Contemplates.

But I don't care because he calls the dead spider in the corner of the room "happy" - so what does he know.