Monday, March 29, 2010

My Amish Spring Break. (Backwards Rumspringa!)

This last week:
  • It was Spring Break!  I was all poised for a wild time of laundry and reality television and feeding my internet addiction.  And then.
  • Someone unplugged our router with their foot.  This caused the router to reset itself to default settings from 1998, meaning only Al Gore could use it, meaning no internet for us.
  • I spent many days doing some magical thinking and plugging and unplugging cords, hoping you would all come back to me in a backlight blaze of glory and blog posts, but you didn't. Things looked grim in the land of Vic. I lost the will to do laundry. 
  • Instead, I took some naps.  
  • Saw a documentary about a NY man who made his wife and daughter live without toilet paper or electricity for most of a year.  They ate turnips and rode their bikes.  It was very exciting but did not explain what the family did for wiping.
  • Thought about Spam quite a bit (Did anyone else used to enjoy a fried Spam and mustard sandwich way back in the day? Before we realized we weren't Hawaiian and that there's, I don't know, pig testicles and ear wax in there? *shudder*  )
  • Had meaningful family conversations.  (Me, to Husband:  The cats clawed the chair by the window again. Husband, who has not yet gotten out of bed: Hmmmm. Did they circle around the rocket?  Me:  Are you still asleep?  Husband:  Of course not.  Why would you say that? )
  • A trip to Best Buy yielded a new router and a headache from the chemical stink in the air (Earnest Salesboy: Circuit City used the wrong carpet glue when they were in this building. It's not our fault.
  • Home to sleep off the glue poisoning. Followed the enclosed idiot-proof router instructions, and then the lights of Blogland were on!  Welcome back twenty-first century! You all look so beautiful!
  • Realized my week of dissipation and sloth had left me with nothing to say, and a pile of dirty laundry. 
Tomorrow I go back to shaping the tender minds of tomorrow's leaders. I'll see you then.

28 comments:

Murr Brewster said...

I'm assuming your body can spit turnips clean. Let's just go with that, shall we?

You're fun! I'll be back.

Jayme said...

My husband and I frequently have similar conversations- it's good to know we're not alone.

Chelle said...

The night before last, I went to bed after my beloved. I crawled in and he seemed awake. Then he said, "But those artifacts are from 1812!" And I assumed that he meant my boobs. I mean, what else could he mean? So I told him he was a bitch and then he said, "Who? Eleanore?" and I was like Nooooo.... not the 2 year old. 2 year olds are not to ever be referred to as bitches. So he goes, "who then?" and by then I was tired of being hilarious.

Jules said...

Your spring break sounds as exciting as mine. Except I'm also exercising and I made brownies. I think that means I won.

Fragrant Liar said...

Mmmmm, testicles and ear wax. Sounds like a little thing called health food is knocking at your door. Exotic health food at that. I wonder, did you partake and enjoy?

MJenks said...

Maybe they just wadded some clothes up and then went riding on their bikes and the friction just sort of took care of...things...

Yeah, I'm stopping there, too.

Carolyn...Online said...

Ear wax? You made that up right? Please tell me you made that up.

Logical Libby said...

I couldn't make it through that whole documentary. I kept wanted to smother him with a plastic bag.

Ed said...

I used to LOVE my moms fired spam and mustard sandwiches.

Little know fact...The US Navy used to put SPAM in the survival at sea kits that were stored on life boats. After serveral sinkings in WWII, in which guys survived the sinking only to be eaten by sharks (a la USS Indianapolis), it was determined that SPAM is a wonderful shark attractant. They stopped putting it in the kits.

Megs said...

You discovered my shameful secret. Back in the day I found fried Spam to be the height of culinary achievement, and wouldn't eat anything else.

Is it possible to retroactively throw up? I'd like for that never to have happened. That and the phase where I would eat butter with a spoon. Both of those things need to never have happened.

Anonymous said...
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Tony said...

As a Korean, I grew up eating Spam. I used to love it, but now...not so much. It scares me.

Dominica said...

I know the story about the guy that axed toiletpaper ! Note to myself that I never shake his hand when we meet up !
...
So good to read a fresh new post (by/about you) .... the new router gives this blog that extra special 'brand new' shine ...
... and eeuhm, concerning Spam ... you need to send me some over ... cos I don't know what the hell you are talking about :-)

Eric said...

Sometimes you just have to set the spoof address and name / password credentials facing outword inside the router itself. Damn picky technology sometimes.

Hey, did you know that 'spring break fun' is kind of an anagram for 'bar puking frens'? I'm not sure how frens plays into it, but... wait, could that be like 'friends', just mispelled?

Vic said...

Murr,
You're welcome any time!- also, I'm going with you on the turnip theory. It's the only sane possibility.

Jayme,
I know what you mean--it's even scarier when they start to make sense to you. We have to stick together.

Chelle,
My husband is also a diabetic - nothings funnier than a guy whose blood sugar is in the basement - oh the whackiness then.
My boobs are from the cretaceous period.

Jules,
You won hands down, especially if you are exercising WHILE EATING the brownies. Can I come over?

Fragrant,
I never partake if there is any hint of ear wax involved. I have my standards.

mjenks,
Green living multi-tasking! You could write a blog. Remind me not to do any tandem biking with you...

Carolyn,
I hope I made that up. I really, really do.

LIbby,
ME TOO! Especially every time he nearly made his wife cry. Throw my makeup away and I will punch you, little green man.

Ed,
Woo hoo! White bread, right? None of that healthy wheat stuff. It's better if the grease is visible on the bread.
I want to go surfing with a SPAM sandwich now, just in the interests of science.

Megs,
Another kindred SPAM spirit! Spoonfuls of butter is good, but my sister used to eat mayonnaise by the spoonful. That should be illegal.

anonymous,
Looks like the joke's on you, my little troll.

Tony,
Me too, Tony, me too. What kind of soul-scarring happens from SPAM, in addition to the plugged arteries? So many regrets.

Dominica,
It's good to be here! (I've missed talking to you!)
Because I like you so much, I promise to NEVER send you any SPAM. Which is, by the way, a nasty canned meat product made up of mystery meat bits all mashed together. It's like pretend ham, only greasier. I feel a little ill just writing about it now.

CatLadyLarew said...

This describes perfectly most of the spring breaks I've had! Why is it I never get to do anything exotic?

Cynthia L. H. said...

We used to eat fried SPAM, too! AND fried bologna. (I cannot believe I just admitted that.) Oh, the scars.
No wonder I'm a vegetarian now!
;^)
Good to have you back.
Oh! That Amish pic! Now THAT is an oxymoron in living color.

Maggie May said...

the word spam has only bad conotations to me.

i love the Amish pic :)

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

All the Circuit City stores shut down out here in Colorado. Something about us being in a 'bad economy'- I think they just made it up.

diane said...

Your post is the only one I've read in weeks, I enjoyed it.
My daughter's had spring break, I did not. My life just keeps getting busier, it's not really mine I think.
I would write a little more but my 3 year old life just walked back into the room, gotta go.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

I used to like Spam, and then one day I moved up on this mountain to be a Forest Ranger, (That's what we called ourselves, because anyone who works for the Forest Service is called a Forest Ranger and they represent the Dept. of Agriculture) and all we (I say we because there were two of us) had to eat was Spam. Like a case of Spam and a bottle of ketchup and no bread. It got old real quick but I survived. I stayed there for almost twenty years until I met my wife and left the mountain. I had almost forgotten about Spam until just last week when my wife and I dropped in an Emergency Essential store and what did I see? Spam. A case of fricken Spam.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Ever since I first read this, so...for a week now? I've been saying "RUMSPRINGAH!!" in this deep Jamaican voice, then changing the words to "Here Come the Hotstepper" to "Here come the Rumspringa!"

My new favorite word.

Shake yah rumspringah mon!!

Tgoette said...

I loved this post! I like Spam in moderation (once every few years) and think that its the testicles and ear wax that must make it so popular with purveyors of canned pig flesh. Whatever helps it go down, I say.

Kurt said...

VIC!! I'm so glad you're back. I'm totally having a parade in the street in your honor! And by "parade in the street"< I mean "lining up Star Wars action figures in a line along the edge of the bathtub".

Boba Fett is carrying the "I LOVE VIC!!" flag!

just making my way said...

I cannot do Spam. Or, for that turnips. Especially now that I know they just spit back out of your body.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

The first (and last) time I had Spam was thanks to my MIL,who went on and on about how delicious and nutritious it is. God help her. And my question is: How the hell has she made it alive this long?? And why?

Scott said...

I will never have spam. Meat from a can just seems horrifying.

Kim said...

By the third day of no internet I was scratching like a heroin addict. Turns out they will turn off your service if you don't pay the bill. Fuckers.