Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Also, someone in my house had a jawbreaker for breakfast. It's quick energy.

I have not fallen down today.

 I count this as a win, even though it is only 9:30 am, and my motor skills still have plenty of time to betray me.  I don’t think they will though, because I am using a mind-over-two-left-feet approach today, so I’m like a ballerina, not Kate Gosselin on DWTS. ( Poor Kate can’t help that she dances like a pterodactyl in a ball gown-  I’m pulling for you Kate!  Sort of!)

Today is a new day, people.  It will not be like yesterday, when, just before I had to leave the house, I broke a stack of fifteen plates trying to get something to rest my toast on.

They made a spectacular noise as the plates exploded on the cement floor.  While I was speed-sweeping the shards that were not embedded in the furniture  into the trash can I had plenty of time to wonder why we even needed fifteen plates in the house.  I think we were only just weighed down by our excessive plate ownership.  I liberated us.

Remind me later that we’re out of Band-Aids.

Also, this morning is beautiful, sunny and cool, and as I walked confidently onto campus at 8 am, wearing a new gray dress with blue-gray tights, another teacher approached me and said,

 “Hey!  I love your uniform!  I need to do that too-  it would make it so easy to get dressed in the morning.”

I was totally going for “uniform”.  It’s inmate-chic.  Prada’s spring Penitentiary line.

I’ve been modeling my fashion-forward look all morning on campus, because it’s state testing week, and since I have seniors, who don’t test, I get to be a bathroom break person.  I’m assigned four teachers to relieve, but two of them are missing, either in the wrong room, or on a plane to Rio, I’m not sure, so I’ve been wandering around campus like an escapee looking for clues.  I know I’m going to find them soon, but not until I finish writing this, because how often do they need to go to the bathroom anyway?  Teachers have monster-bladders.  It’s in the contract.

I just remembered one of the two who are not missing is pregnant.  I’ll be right back.


It was close, but I made it there on time.  While she was gone I inspected her baby books and ate a little of her trail mix.  It was on the desk.  Probably she left it there for me, because I’ve been doing a lot of walking. 

I’m kind of tired now, but I have to stay focused, because pretty soon the second half of the day will start, and happy students will come flooding in these doors.  Three solid hours of testing this morning will not have dampened their enthusiasm for learning.  Today we are talking about the meaning of life and Lance Armstrong. 

I have a gift for lesson planning.  And fashion.

What are your gifts?  Feel free to talk amongst yourselves while I go do this whole employment thing.  I’ll be around later.


Logical Libby said...

My rule is that if no one sees me eat something, I didn't eat it. I think the legal term is "plausible deniability."

And I am very good at saying the most inappropriate thing, at the most inappropriate time, because I am just trying to be helpful.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Hey, you're out of bandaids! And my gift? writing really boring posts apparently. My readers must have fallen asleep!

Love the Prada reference, how very hip of you!

Ed said...

You are like the pee patrol.


You totally stole that trail mix too.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I wear a uniform too, but it's a Joan Jett t-shirt with a Hanes notreallybra underneath and dirty jeans with flipflops. I call it "Rehab chic". You can sleep in it too.

steelxmagnolia said...

Yes, Vic, I am wearing your sweater but I promise to return it tomorrow if the sun comes back out. If not, then I may keep it another week or so since it goes so well with my work-a-day attire.

As for the trail mix fair game. I won't tell if you peeked inside her drawer and grabbed an M&M or two. Or an Cadbury egg from her Easter basket.

Anyway, your blogs brighten my mornings. Makes me want to be a better guest. Most of the time. Cheers!

Kurt said...

I'm a staunch proponent of uniform-chic. I think if we could incorporate bathrobes into our military everyone would be a lot more relaxed and less "fighty".

Wow, that was awkward said...

I don't know why, but that unsolicited uniform comment reminded me of when I was in an art gallery in Napa Valley recently. The owner walked over to me and said, "There is something more simple over there in the back." I'm pretty darn sure she told me I'm simple and that I don't know shit about art. How did she know?

kate said...

I had Cadburry Mini Eggs for breakfast this morning. No judging here.

MJenks said...

My gift? Being the chamberpot that life pisses in every morning when it wakes up.

Tony said...

I remember having those state tests. My school always gave us apple sticks and bottled water, and afterward, we'd have a pizza party.

Don't forget, you're out of bandaids!

Mandy's Kidding said...

My uniform involves anything that involves elastic.

On a positive note, however, I am wearing heels today. I thought I'd dress up.

Eric said...

Blue and blue-grey? How very 'Dallas Cowboys' of you...

Jules said...

Oh hold on, my steel bladder is finally giving up.

I'll be back....

Jules said...

Oh. False Alarm.

You're out of Band Aids.

Lana said...

i'd totally buy your line of inmate chic uniforms. i was at target yesterday and saw three other women wearing my current uniform of dirty jeans and grey tshirt i had on.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Oh, I love your UNIFORM? So are you going to wear it every day? Or maybe get it in lots of different colors? Are you doing a slow burn? Waiting for her to wear something about which you can make the same kind of remark? Hmm, I seem to be spoiling for a fight, on your behalf!

Sorry about all those plates!

Fragrant Liar said...

"I’m assigned four teachers to relieve"


Listen. I'm totally into team work, but let these people relieve themselves, won't you? I don't want you getting your hands dirty.

linlah said...

Lance Armstrong and Kate Gosslin should be on the same syllabus they're great tools for learning.

Miss Yvonne said...

That damn employment thing...always getting in the way of blogging and stuff.

I am totally buying a Vic uniform this weekend, so we can be twinsies from another mother. Or something like that.

Vic said...

I have that same invisible eating rule- it has served me well, except for the part about the love handles, which the uniform is excellent at hiding.

mad woman,
I'm so unhip I actually google Prada to make sure Prada made something besides handbags. I wasn't sure. Maybe your readers are just shy. Stoned?

Stolen trail mix tastes the sweetest. I want a pee patrol badge now.

Joan Jett is cutting edge now that Raccoon-Eyes is playing her. You are my fashion idol. I am more of a fashion idle.

Damn, THAT's where my sweater went! I went through a million of them this morning, and ended up with this funky polka-dot thing.
Luckily I like you, so you can keep it. (That's just egg-salad on it, by the way.)

I'm sending a box full of whimsical slippers to Iraq right away. They're awesome in sand. Go World Peace!

Wow TWA,
Did you ask her where they kept the velvet paintings? Your comment made me laugh out loud. Wanna borrow my uniform?

Cadbury eggs and jawbreakers are chock full of...riboflavin. Just trust me on this. So healthy.

You are such a servant. Porcelain or metal?

We're in a budget crunch now. The kids get a long warm drink of drinking-fountain water, and that's all. Sometimes a little extra protein if there are gnats around.

I'm getting Batman bandaids. Unless they make Sayid bandaids? I love that stoic little man.

Elastic is your friend and mine. Or caftans. Which is a weird word. Caftan.
Congratulations on the heels, but be careful about that extra pitch forward.

I wore it for them. All of them.
It was a sexy Dallas uniform, without the shoulder pads.

Told ya. Monster bladders. Doctors know if you're a teacher just by the amount of bladder control you have. It's a fact.

What am I forgetting again?

That's my weekend uniform. I like to blend.

Thanks for getting my back! I would be more mad except she's the teacher everyone hates because she's always like that.

I KNEW you'd pick up on that!! I almost changed that sentence, and then I thought, no, that one's for FL--
It's a lovely picture though,you have to admit.

I'm writing it up for next semester now. You have a gift too!

Vic said...

Miss Y!!
We crossed in the comments! You and me- twinsies forever. Do you look as awesome in cement gray as I do?? I know you do.

Stupid job. :)

writer.elh@gmail.com said...

I need to employ someone just like you on an everyday basis. I could really use a pee break fill-in. For example, I was watching a TV show yesterday and had to go pee. If you had been there I would have had someone there to tell me what happened while I was gone.

(And don't feel bad about your wonky balance. I have fallen off of perfectly still breakfast bar stools before — completely sober.)

Megs said...

I think I will start wrapping my head in bubble wrap, since I tend to accidentally give myself a mild concussion at least 3 times a week.

Possibly on the same door frame, cabinet door, and bathroom counter each time.

Maybe in the house I may have been living in for 5 years.

Dominica said...

My talent is to break plates in a Greek kinda-way ...:-)
Seriously, we are plate stashers too and lately some of them showed cracks (due to warm up pancakes 1014511 times in my microwave ... ) (I know, I'm not a kitchen-princess ... don't kill me) and I was afraid one morning half a plate + pancake would fall on my toes ! Ouch !
So I'm buying 2 new plates every week after smashing 2 old plates p/ week. Nice ones, with lovely designs and colours ...
Did you get those band-aids yet ?
And eeuhhm, I'd love to see a pic of you showing off that uniform !! :-)

Pearl said...

I'm LOLing over here in my cubicle, Vic!

a pterodactyl in a ball gown
excessive plate ownership.

I wish I'd said these things. And I still might, giving you (sotto voce) credit, of course.



Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

My talent is looking busy, and being believable when asked about how busy I've been.

miss. chief said...

my uniform recently has been either a t-shirt with black jeans or a t-shirt with black skirt. No imagination here.

diane said...

That stupid teacher and her hidden insult. If you had punched her in the mouth, that would have put red polka dots all over your dress. Maybe she would have liked that better.

I might not be ready to come back to the bloggy world just yet. Still got some anger issues to work out.

Char said...

Rehab wear...now there's a thought.
Or, how about garage garb.

Oh yeah, and pick up some bandaids while you're out modeling on campus.

HumorSmith said...

Vic! You've still got it....hope it's not contagious.

word verification:
"enticast"??? The next Comcast? Otherwise, I got nothin'.

Margo said...

I eat trail mix. I rock a pink polka dotted pajama uniform. And pray no one rings the doorbell. (I can make Sparkle answer it if I have to) These are my talents.

Moooooog35 said...

I was able to dig a giant crusty booger out of my son's nose last night with a pair of tweezers without vomiting.

I think that counts as a gift.

just making my way said...

Don't forget to buy Band-Aids.

Megs said...

Hi! I gave you an award on my blog!

msprimadonna67 said...

Last year I got to be the potty-break teacher during testing because I have seniors, too. This year, though, I get to be one of the ones babysitting the seniors in the gym. (Seniors have senior meetings and grad prep sorts of things going on during testing.) I'm not sure which duty is the better duty, but being cooped up in the gym with five hundred or so seniors for three hours a day or so doesn't sound like a picnic.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

I'm surprised there was a bag of trail mix on her desk, I envision donuts with grey poupon spread over them or some other weird mix of food. Bananas with [insert hot sauce name here], stuff like that.
I am going to have to watch this DWTS show and see this pterodactyl. That sounds good for a laugh.

Tgoette said...

I think you just may be doing a disservice to Pterodactyls here, Vic! So much funny stuff I think I may have to lay down now. Great post!

otherworldlyone said...

This totally made me L O L. Yes. I used the forbidden internet lingo.

I've always wanted to smash a bunch of plates. I think it would be therapeutic. Or addictive...and then we'd have no dishes in the house at all and have to eat out of plastic bowls with Dora's face on them. Meh.

I want a prison issue grey dress. I have a cotton one that I wear with black leggings. Its super comfortable, but an overwhelming amount of people think it looks like a sack. Or a nightgown. Damn.