Thursday, May 06, 2010

Me and Sideshow Betty Will Be Shaping the Youth of Today. Also Dabbing them.

So, about that anal gel I mentioned last time.

Anal gel on the horizon.

Which, now that I think about it, is a terrifying mental picture no matter how you think about it, and I'd like to apologize for wherever your mind might have gone due to my irresponsible metaphors.

Anyway, it appears that soon it might be my responsibility as a teacher to apply anti-seizure gel to the rectal area of convulsing students, should the need arise, right there in my classroom. No medical license necessary!  According to our school nurse, the California legislature is thinking this would be a good idea instead of paying for school nurses and she says probably we should fight the power on this one.  Because otherwise I'll be dabbing gel willy-nilly on anuses in- between my lectures, and I get asked to prom as it is, so it's sending a mixed message I think.

Also she says I could be responsible for injecting students with insulin, but presumably not in the anus. It's a good thing I've been giving my cats antibiotics with a syringe lately, so I'm totally ready for this one, assuming I can grab a student gently by the scruff of the neck and then squirt the insulin directly down the back of his/her throat.  It's probably the same.

 I'm looking into buying a generator in case I need to administer electro-shock therapy maybe during lunch.  

Because I would enjoy electrocuting a few of my students, Nurse Ratchet style, at this point in the school year.  I used to think a gentle ether mist from the sprinkler heads would be fine, who doesn't like a little nap in the middle of the day, but at this point in the school year I'm all hostile, and if I can't nap at my desk, no one is napping.  Dammit.

Part of my hostility is because of the pop-eyed bi-polar woman they have assigned to my room to "help", which is boss-speak for we have nowhere else to put her.  She is now your problem.
She is amazing. For example, here is how my new sidekick has helped me so far:
  • Dropped into the splits at the front of the class. More than once.
  • Flipped off the class (I can do a backflip too! See look! Hand behind back, middle finger raised. Suckers!)
  • Told a dirty Michael Jackson joke during a test
  • Explained to students where the best liquor deals are (Walmart)
  • Announced to the room that she is bi-polar, but not medicated, because she likes to feel "energetic".
  • Announced to the class that, no, she hasn't read  Brave New World so they can't get any help from her, but she promises to read it as soon as she finishes the soft-porn book she is currently reading.  These were her words, Soft-core porn.  
  • Provided the name of her favorite soft-porn author, in case anyone wanted to check it out.
  • Scratched her left breast ( hand inside shirt), with gusto in front of a class of fascinated senior boys.
 I've tried to rein her in, really I have. If I had that electro-shock generator I could drop her easy, but as it stands she's running amuck.

I think it's also important to note that the woman is built exactly like Timer from the old Saturday morning cartoons.  (Remember him?  When my get-up-'n-go has got-up-and-went, I hanker' fer a hunk 'a cheese), only put a curly blond wig on him, and possibly some pants.

(For my younger friends, think apple-on-two-toothpicks, if the apple is wearing a curly blond wig.  You're welcome.)

I mention this, because it helps when you try to picture what it looks like when she does the splits.  There is some huffing and puffing involved, and the eyes go all stare-y, and then the full mass of her torso descends to the industrial carpet, ultimately obscuring all of her leg other than two tiny Croc-clad feet on either side.

I just can't compete with that at the end of the year.


Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Well, now that I've read your post I can see how totally perfect the headline is! Seriously, they want teachers to be nurses? And you get to be helped by, um, really troubled people? I don't know how you do it. You make the most of it as blog material, though!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

How do you look a kid in the eye for the rest of the year once you've touched his anus??

...Should be one of the FAQs in the new, updated teacher's pamphlet.

It would be so much easier if butts had scruff.

Eric said...

I'm always amazed at the stupidity of a collective body of elected representatives. The whole is less than the sum of the parts.

Hey, and now you have a helper averaging you out...

Jules said...

In my state, the nurses have TAUGHT us how to inject students in the arse in they are convulsing, but the Teachers' Union says NO. But in discussions you hear teachers say, "But if it's happening in your classroom, what else are you going to do? Of course you'll do it!"

Um...NOT THIS teacher....

And really. Is a pedophiliac Michael Jackson joke ALL that bad in the middle of a test that I'm sure was NOT about Michael Jackson OR pop culture??

Come on. Bipolar people need alcohol too.

And so do high school students.

seekingelevation said...

That makes me pee my pants.

Andi said...

I found you through Studio 30 Plus and I am so glad I did. I am LOLOLOLing over here.

anal gel? bipolar Timers who love soft core porn and do the splits sporadically? It does not get much better than this!

otherworldlyone said...

Aside from the obvious reasons (it's disgusting), this anal gel business is not a good idea. I mean, what if some seizure kid claims that when you were administering the gel to his or her asshole, you slipped a finger in. They could claim asshole rape.

As for your new sidekick: She sounds like an absolute treat. Aside from the splits and buying liquor at Wal-Mart, (Since when do they sell liquor? I buy mine at a discount warehouse like all the other swanky, well-to-do people.)I can see myself doing or saying all the things she did on your list. Reason #5 why I should never be a teacher.

miss. chief said...

Why did they have a ... "helper" in the first place? Where did she come from? What does the anal gel do? SO MANY QUESTIONS

kate said...

Wait...if they get rid of the school nurse, where will an entire generation of teenaged girls go when they want to get of gym class by telling the oblivious male teacher that they're having "female problems" (ie, I want to go take a nap in the nurse's office instead of playing team handball...or was that just me?)?

Logical Libby said...

Maybe you and your new assistant could end up in a sharing, caring relationship, where you both learn something valuable from one another. Then you can write a best seller about it that will be turned into a Lifetime movie.

"The Boob Itcher and Me."

Megs said...

So...she's totally encouraging them to read! That's awesome!

And drink economically! Also awesome. This is probably a much more relevant lesson for kids about to go off to college than whatever you were trying to convince them was so important.

Wow, that was awkward said...

This is wrong and sick, but you have to admit that deep down you are hoping for a seizure so that you have a real anus gel and sideshow betty story to tell and remember forever. Just one, but one nonetheless.

Kurt said...

"I hanker for a hunka...a slice, or slab or chunka...I hanker for a hunk of cheese! Yahoo!"

No, TV isn't my closest friend, why do you ask? (*covers cable box's ears*)

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm sorry, but if it were me that kid would just have to go ahead and seize himself to death. Hell to the no. I don't even want to touch my own anus. I have a teenage son. I do his laundry and therefore know just how bad boys are at the whole wiping thoroughly thing.

Tgoette said...

I'm thinking if beautiful, young teachers such as yourself are ordered to apply anal gel to students having seizures, then a lot of teenage boys are going how to learn to fake one just to say they "made out" with you. LOL!

Sorry about Betty. I'm feeling your pain over here. Laughing, but feeling your pain nonetheless.

HumorSmith said...

Hmmm... so you're finally going to be the crack educator all teachers aspire toward becoming? Perhaps a career in proctology wouldn't have been so bad after all.

sonipitts said...

Next time she does the splits, maybe you could slip her a little of that gel. See what happens.

linlah said...

Maybe you could get the assistant to apply the anal gel, you know with her love of soft core porn and all.

diane said...

Keep an eye out for other teachers who are going around smelling their fingers, your new Frankenhooker might be one of them.

Chin up babe, summer's almost here.

just making my way said...

I'm giggling madly trying to imagine an actual person shaped like the Time for Timer guy. I loved that guy. "It's like a wagon wheel!"

That was when TV was good.

FabuLeslie said...

Ohmygoodness. This is hilarious stuff! I had a student teacher once who was about as helpful. And I can't imagine having to do that "medical" stuff! yuck! I teach first grade and it's tough enough as it is!

Dominica said...

I can't eat an apple now and not think about that woman !! You really cracked me up here ....:-)

LiLu said...


Make it happen.

Your mom's box said...

You are perfection personified. Adore

The mad woman behind the blog said...

OMG, how could it be: your Betty sounds EXACTLY like me, had I been a teacher's aide!...except for the boob thing and the splits. BUT I would pick my panties out of my ass. SO keep the gel away from me.

You are just plain awesome!

Carolyn...Online said...

Maybe if you put the anti-seizure meds on Timer's head she would slow down enough to stop talking. And scratching.

Also, I thought I was the only one left who remembered Timer!

Girl Interrupted said...

Would it be terribly disloyal of me to say that, even though I don't know her and am never likely to meet her, I love your TA?


Why is she not on TV for the masses to enjoy?

Maybe you could talk her into starting a blog?

I promise I'll only follow her covertly.

Please Vic? Do it for me?