Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Okay, I can't stand it. The mystery is-- someone stole his hair.

You know how exercise is really important, and you should totally do some?

Well, I know this because I'm all about health these days. For instance, I'm only eating baked Cheetos now. They have all the cheddar-twig goodness of the real ones, except your fingers only stay orange for a little while, which means no more nicotine hands!

Also, I bought the kids some vitamins, only they won't eat them because they aren't gummy and shaped like cartoon characters, but because my kids are too old they have to eat, like, forty-seven of the gummy ones, and that's expensive, so I bought the horse pill kind. They just sit there on the shelf. I'm thinking about feeding them to the dog, just to pep him up a little, and to cut my vitamin-related losses.

I have a treadmill, and it's okay, but it's in a room upstairs and it makes all the floorboards squeak and groan when it's running, and pretty soon the whole house is vibrating. This means that anyone downstairs can't hear what new stupid thing Liz on True Beauty just said, and besides, it's so pretty outside right now. We really should get out and see nature or something, I'm always saying.

So for Mother's Day, I got a new bike. The kind that's ironically retro, and looks just like the one my mother rode around in the sixties, with the basket on the back, and not like the yellow ten-speed with the ram's horn handlebars I rode as a kid (that my pothead stepbrother later dismantled). That one twisted my spine into a permanent hump.

So I’ve been riding my new bike around a little bit these days, and sometimes I force my family to come along. Also the neighbor boy. And the neighbor boy’s personal stalker, a little boy we don't know, with huge, crazy eyes who rides 100 yards behind us on his foot-high bike, and never speaks, just rides behind us. If we stop, he stops. We don't know why. Sometimes he’ll hide behind a row of cars if he thinks we’re on to him.

Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s like a shrunken Lord Voldemort on a Schwinn.

Last week we rode our bikes to the frozen yogurt place (it's healthy!) and the neighbor boy and his stalker came along, and we had to loan the neighbor boy a too-big bike because he broke his riding like a bat out of hell into buildings, and there’s usually foliage jammed in all the crevasses (of the bike, not the neighbor boy) from the last time he ripped through the bushes at warp speed, and anyway, this time he was riding at a full stand, legs pumping, but looking behind him to see if his stalker was gaining on us, and then ...

he was airborne, his body a boomerang with a bike attached. And then the sickening FWOMP!! which signaled the arrival of the neighbor boy’s carcass from space. He lay there in the ditch, underneath the bike, for a few minutes, probably meditating.

As you can imagine, there was an expectant silence.

Finally, his eyelids flickered. Opened. He spoke. “Ima right. Heh.”

I swear that kid’s head is made of titanium. Or foam, I can't decide.
And then we got yogurt, except the stalker boy. I tried to offer him some, but he hid behind the tanning salon next door and ignored me.

So I'm getting pretty fit, I guess, and as long as we can keep the neighbor boy alive I think I'm well on the road to perfect health.

And I might even be a more consistent blogger. Not only is there less Cheeto dust on the keyboards now, but I even have a beginning for my next post. It involves the neighbor boy again, and a mystery. Also some neighborhood updates, perhaps.

Oh, and we're going on a new Family Vic Adventure in a few days, so I'll be sure to bring the laptop and my camera so you can come with us! Yay! A pre-teen and a teenager in the back seat for days and days!! And the dog!! And ADD husband driving erratically!!

Shut up. You're coming.

33 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

Vic! There you are. I was worried. People were asking if you were with me when I took a hiatus last May. I said, "What? No, I don't share hiati with anyone, not even my beloved Vic." But they probably didn't believe me. I don't know why.

But I'm glad you're back. And you're getting shape and eating right. So very admirable. I am too. I have started eating the "funnel cake" sticks at Burger King. They're super healthy cuz they're not real funnel cake, and I never eat the entire mini vat of frosting. Gah, of course not!

Well, looking forward to going on vacation with you!! ;-))

Logical Libby said...

If you drink Diet Pepsi you can eat anything you want. Look it up.

And I so wish I had a neighborhood stalker. All we have are potheads next door...

Miss Yvonne said...

I was wondering where you've been. And now I know. You've been out getting healthy and apparently dealing with a future Ricardo Lopez.

What? He's the guy that stalked Bjork. Everyone knows that. No, I didn't have to google "Bjork stalker" to find his name and before that google "swan dress lady" to remember her name. Shut up.

P.S. I can't wait for Vic vacation! I'm stocking up on my anxiety meds in preparation!

Girl Interrupted said...

It's lovely to see you back! :)

Is there any chance you could get a pic of the creepy kid? I just want to see if he freaks me out more than that kid in 'The Shining' ... or Justin Bieber *shudder*

Heck yes, I'm going with you! ... I wouldn't miss it for the world xx

erin said...

oh dear god in heaven I miss you!

Megs said...

Yay! A second vacation! Only this one will be much cheaper for me than our last one.

Also, I seriously need the post with the mystery because HOW? HOW does someone steal your hair? Did the stalker shave the kids head in his sleep? What? WHAT? Inquiring minds really, really need to know.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Will there be ostrichi on this trip? If yes, you must take photos and then we can post our twin ostrich-feeding pics!

Also, so you know, fair warning, I plan on doing everything I can to sabotage this healthy lifestyle business. If I can't lose weight, nobody will.

Vic said...

Fragrant,
Thanks for covering for me! (But people are gonna know I was in Florida when they see my frizzy hair.)
Oooh. Burger King has funnel cakes?!? Sounds like like roadtrip food to me. (I missed you too.)

Libby,
Can I have Diet Coke instead? We have potheads next door too. We're an equal opportunity neighborhood.

Your daughter gets more beautiful all the time. Just sayin'.

Miss Yvonne,
I totally knew who Richard Lopez is!!! I'm only kind of lying!

I do actually want a swan dress though. Can you bring extra anxiety meds for me? My daughter may have her driver's permit before we go, which means we're white-knuckling it all the way to Sacramento and beyond.

Girl, I,
I'm glad you're back too - I missed your posts all those lonely weeks!

I'll try to get a picture for you, but he's pretty scary. Scarier than Justin Beaver, as my son calls him.

Glad you're coming!

Erin,
Will your girls teach me the single lady dance? If not, I'm just going to sit in the background in my underwear.
I missed you too.:)

Megs,
Hey, Megs! (I needed to say that for some reason)
Will you ride on the humpy part in the middle? Otherwise my kids will fight. Let me know.

I like a good cliffhanger...:)

Steamy,
Who said anything about losing weight? No one would recognize me without my love handles. Probably you're reading this on your phone and running, right? And laughing at my fatty-fatness?

I SO hope there are ostrichi this year. Or reindeer. Do you have any pictures of yourself feeding reindeer? Feeding reindeer Cheetos? That's kind of my plan.

That Baldy Fella said...

I'm only coming along if I'm allowed to ask "Are we there yet?" every 4.3 miles and tell you that I need the loo when we're exactly equidistant between rest-stops.

kate said...

The solution to your vitamin crisis?

ADULT GUMMY VITAMINS.

I shit you not, they are real. They have them in jumbo jars at Walgreens (sometimes two for the price of one!) - I've been using them for six months or so and they're awesome.

Amen to the baked Cheetos things. If only they could make the baked Doritos not take like ass, I would have no need for real chips ever again.

Megs said...

I once rode 20 hours on the humpy part in the middle because my grown husband and his grown sister STILL cannot sit together without attempted murder and mayhem ensuing.

So you have that to look forward to.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian said...

Dying.

"Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s like a shrunken Lord Voldemort on a Schwinn."

The mental image of this scene is too much for me this early.

Eric said...

Does stalker boy shout anything that sounds like 'I want my two dollars!!' ?

Jules said...

1. Love the new look.

2. So if I eat BAKED Cheetos instead of a salad, I'll lose weight?

3. Where do you live? You have weirdo white painting things neighbor and stalker kid. WTF? I need to stay far, far away.

Pearl said...

Well it's about damn time!

And, if I may add, WHEEEEEEE! I can't wait for our little vacation!

Pearl

LiLu said...

Let's go!!! I bought us all matching fanny packs! And belt clips for our water bottles! EXCITE!!!!!!

(Thanks so much for the sidebar pimpage, lady friend. U + me = us!)

Wait. I don't think that came out right.

I hate math.

diane said...

You write better than anyone I know.
That said, Little Lord Voldemort on a Schwinn probably doesn't even know his last name, if anyone would care to ask him. I knew a kid like that once. He actually grew up to be a really nice guy, in spite of being a horribly neglected boy. What? I am NOT being mean to you.
Glad to hear that you're getting all healthy and sh*t.

Carolyn...Online said...

Baked chips of any kind are an abomination to the gods. Yep, all the gods.

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

They make baked cheetos? weird- and when I say weird I mean I'm going to have to go get some.

just making my way said...

Yay for getting in shape via the baked cheetos and frozen yogurt diet! Sounds right up my alley.

I had a bike like that when we lived in Key West. A "conch cruiser," as they like to say. It was awesome. Except it weighed about a million pounds.

I can't wait to hear all about your trip! I hope there will lots of healthy things. Like cookies.

The Jules said...

Ooh, I'm looking forward to our hol! I'm going to bring my new travel snack, which is essentially a bag of Cheetos with a cheese slice dropped in it, then microwaved for one minute and resealed, ready for opening in the hot, hot car later on.

I'll bring lots cos everyone will want some!

seekingelevation said...

Lord Voldemort on a Schwinn. Freaking hilarious.

SuzRocks said...

First off- Whether baked or not, cheetos have a smidgen of cheese in them, which is a dairy product. So you are getting your dairy for the day.

Second off- as one of the others suggested- adult gummi vitamins. I have never taken my vitamins UNTIL I found out they had gummi ones. Sometimes I eat more than the allotted two per day- I think I must be more healthy because of that.

Kurt said...

I like the part where I thought a child was hurt. That's probably a healthy reaction though, right? RIGHT???

Pearl said...

I will miss you but look forward to all the fun we'll have on vacation!
Pearl

Venom said...

Healthy? Okay, for you it's interesting, for me it's more like out of reach...

vibram fivefingers said...

So very admirable. I am too. I have started eating the "funnel cake" sticks at Burger King. They're super healthy cuz they're not real funnel cake, and I never eat the entire mini vat of frosting. Gah, of course not!
He's the guy that stalked Bjork. Everyone knows that. No, I didn't have to google "Bjork stalker" to find his name and before that google "swan dress lady" to remember her name. Shut up.

C.B. Jones said...

You know, I heard that Clifford(the canine Godzilla, as he is known in some remote parts of my brain) was created by feeding a puppy vitamins and cherry kool-aid.

And pictures of a trip are always cool. Just don't take any action shots while in the car. I tend to get motion sickness. I may have thrown up a few times after seeing the Transformers movie trailer.

Still can't tell if it was because of the action, or poor character designs though.

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Shrinky said...

Whoo-hoo (doing a little happy dance), I'm going on vacation with a total stranger who humours (and even offers stuff to) Kamikaze neighbourhood kids.. AND to their eerie stalkers. Can life get any better? I think not.

(Running off to pack my snorkels and big girl's pants..)

diane said...

Hellooooo, anybody home?
I miss you Vic, it's not the same without your funny stories. Please come back to us. xo d

FCSD said...

Personally I think the fact that anyone even tries to sell vitamins that are not gummi is an affront to the consumer.

diane said...

Hey Vic, I haven't heard from you in a while. And you're not the only one. It seems like our blogger buddies are "dropping like flies". I sort of miss our bad-girl group. I think my cynicism is driving my followers away, but I just can't help my dry humor. I miss:
Girl Interrupted
The Peach Tart
Lulu's Sandbox
Prunella de Ville
Phat Mama
Hope I'm not leaving anyone out.