Monday, October 18, 2010

Because You Can Never Have Too Many Posts About Sombreros.

You know how sometimes on your way home from work you see a stranded mariachi band on the side of the freeway, and they always look so forlorn in their ruffled shirts and pencil-thin mustaches?  And how they're lined up in the setting sun next to a piebald Ford Windstar with a flat tire, and one them is holding a trumpet in his hand like he's about to kick off a sweet number right there on the shoulder, with the traffic shooting by and hamburger wrappers and left socks swirling in little eddies around his feet?

And you know how you think to yourself, I'd like to help, really I would, but I'm in a hurry, and besides, there's no room in this car for a stand-up bass and eight sombreros?

So you stay in the fast lane, avoiding mariachi eye contact, and then you spend the next two weeks daydreaming about how cool it would have been to have a whole band in your car, the backseat ringing with grateful "AY YA YAY YA!" s and rhythmic guitar?

Only it's too late now, so add another regret to your pile?

I know.   I've been there.  I learned this one the hard way a couple of weeks ago. I don't normally pick up people off the side of the road, but murders committed by mariachi bands are statistically insignificant, and I think this time I missed out on a chance for true philanthropic joy. It's a decision I'm going to have to live with.

Also today I let down an entire Japanese restaurant.  I was getting out of my car, and all the waitresses inside, suburban white girls in red satin kimonos and wooden sandals with athletic socks (authentic!), spotted me through the plate glass window and reached simultaneously for a stack of menus before I even reached the sidewalk.   Only I was actually going next door to buy a trumpet (which should have been some kind of sign, now that I think about it) so then they all put the menus back sadly, their gaze following me down the sidewalk.  When I came out from next door they perked up until they saw it was me, and then went back to standing in the empty restaurant, their eyes scanning, scanning the horizon for someone who wanted their dumplings.

I could see the desperation, but I just wasn't hungry.  It wasn't them, it was me.  I almost went in to explain, but it seemed like leading them on.

I'm not sure where I'm really going with all this, but it probably has something to do with the candy corn self-medicating I've been doing all day, or the fact that tomorrow in my birthday, and that's always a time for reflection, and also candy corn, if your birthday happens to be in October.

Another regret I have is  leaving you, my valiant readers, with a three-month old cliffhanger while I was out ignoring wedding singers on the interstate .  Probably you've been a little bit tortured with the need to know how my neighbor boy's hair was stolen and if you suffered any insomnia or restless leg syndrome, I apologize.

The truth is, it's a mystery about the hair.  One day the neighbor boy came over with a big shaved spot on his head about the size of a grapefruit.


"What happened to your hair?" I asked.

"Someone stole it,"  he said. "I just woke up this morning and it was ga-hn."

"You're kidding! Do you have any idea who would, um, steal your hair?"

"Nope," he said. " I'm kind of hungry right now. Do you got a cheese sandwich?"


So that's pretty much all I know.



My son whittled me a three-inch canoe as a birthday gift  and it's very, very pointy, so there's that, and also the dog just strolled by wearing something foul he rolled in in the yard, which is a perfect opportunity to have some canine-bathing bonding time and also launch my canoe on its maiden voyage. 

Next time I'll try to remember to tell you about the lawn flamingo thieves that have been stalking our neighborhood.  But if I forget, at least you have the consolation of knowing it could be worse; I could have left you stranded on the freeway in your huaraches and shiny pants.  You're welcome.

48 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Good God, I love you and I love this blog and I love your stories. Please don't ever leave us again.

And Happy Birthday! Can't wait for the birthday gift post! Wink emoticon.

Moooooog35 said...

Glad you're back.

*holds out Chinese menu

MJenks said...

I once threatened to put a Mariachi band in some kid's dorm room when I was a senior. For some reason, the kid pissed me off. I don't remember why now. I'm sure it made sense in my drunken rage.

So, I would have totally stopped to pick them up. "Fellaz, do I have a proposition for you..." I'd start out. It would have been beautiful.

Also, Rangiku Matsumoto is not amused by your claims of inaccuracies at the Japanese restaurant.

Boom Boom Larew said...

Happy Birthday, Vic! Hope it's full of mariachi bands... just don't let anyone steal your hair!

Venom said...

I'm concerned about the neighbour boy -- I saw a show on TV that said that drug dealers sometimes terrorize their customers with this sort of thing.

Whittled you a tiny boat? OMG - how precious. If it were me, that'd be the kind of thing I'd keep forever.

I'd also probably show it off at his wedding, but that's just me.

Jules said...

Happy Birthday, Vic!

Oh, sorry, it's hard to focus here. I have this damn mariachi band playing in the background....

Shannon Green said...

We have the same hobby: Leaving a stream of disappointed people in our wake everywhere we go.

It's good to have a hobby.

Happy Birthday.

Elly Lou said...

Happy Birthday my fellow libra! If I was loaded, I'd buy you a car with a trunk big enough to fit an upright bass so such a calamity would never befall you again. But I'm not. So I got you this song instead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1HlnEURM_A&feature=related

Eric said...

I've been contemplating the formation a mariachi band to play Japanese restaurants.

diane said...

Libra is quite possibly my favorite sign. Happy Birthday Vic. You manage to balance everything going on in your life so well, true to your sign. If I was loaded, I would buy you your own singing mariachi birthday card so that you could hear a festive AY Yi Yi Yi every time you open it. But I'm not loaded in either sense of the word.
I forgot about your candy corn obsession. Mine is those funny little licorice candies from Christmas time, I keep them is a jar in the kitchen all year long.

SkylersDad said...

This is why I only travel in a huge old furniture delivery truck. Just to pick up roadside bands, hobos, strippers, and whatever else I am in the mood for a travel companion.

I came here from Steamy's recommendation, but I'll stay for a canoe.

Megs said...

Happy Birthday!

I wouldn't feel too bad about the Japanese restaurant. Their dumplings are probably terrible. I mean, they had to hire white girls to serve the food. That cannot be the sign of a fabulous dumpling.

Cora said...

Someone is actually out there stealing hair during the night?

Christ. Send 'em my way and tell them to shave my legs! I'm thinking that could save me--what--a whole five minutes in the morning. Or something.

Bring it on!

Miss Yvonne said...

Murder by mariachi band wouldn't be such a bad way to go, if you think about it. Nothing like meeting your maker with the echo of La Cucaracha floating behind you. Or you know, some other less offensively stereotypical mariachi song.

Pearl said...

All I can say is that I've missed you terribly.

Never leave me again!

Pearl

Kurt said...

Happy Birthday Vic!

I wish I had a Mariachi band. That's all. Like all the time, following me around like my soundtrack.

Logical Libby said...

I hear mariachi bands don't wear seat belts and get car sick easily. Good thing you didn't pick them up.

nova said...

Your life is so weird and funny. I totally get the non-picking-up-mariachi-band regret thing all the time. I'm like "why didn't I just buy the fake dog poo? I could be using it right now"

Scribe said...

I always love me a good mariachi band. But I don't think I would have picked them up either. At least you can honour them when you play the trumpet (that sounds dirty somehow).

Glad you're back, Vic. You've been missed!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I'm so glad you are blogging again. Love your wry humor. Plus you seem to have such interesting adventures!

That Baldy Fella said...

Happy brithday for yesterday!

I was going leave a comment which had the phrase "three inch pointy canoe" in it until I realsied that it's the sort of phrase that gets you arrested.

diane said...

I noticed that you got Chris here on Steam Me Up Kid's recommendation, Yea! He's awesome, and I thought he already knew about you or else I would have told him too.

Sassy Stylings said...

It's always the lawn flamingos that get victimized... Why, I ask you, why?

Jen said...

Found you from Studio 30. Very funny. Speaking of Japanese I think I may just pick up some sushi for dinner tonight. I make it a practice never to pick up random mariachi band members by the side of the road. You never know what you are going to get.

Kristen said...

Out here in the sticks it's bluegrass bands and fiddles or forlorn wedding singers that get stuck on the side of the road.

離婚 said...

You write very well..

抓姦 said...

You write very well..

偵探社 said...

You write very well..

偵探社 said...

You write very well..

法律 said...

You write very well..

尋人 said...

You write very well..

討債 said...

You write very well..

討債公司 said...

You write very well..

債務 said...

You write very well..

催收 said...

You write very well..

應收帳款 said...

You write very well..

債務催收 said...

You write very well..

法律諮詢 said...

You write very well..

外遇 said...

You write very well..

抓猴 said...

You write very well..

蒐證 said...

You write very well..

蒐證 said...

You write very well..

diane said...

Hey Vic! You write very well, haha. I can't help picturing some poor speeded up soul hitting the return button again and again.

JustLinda said...

That mariachi band thing - I just HATE it when that happens!!!

(Great post!)

JustLinda said...

Also, I just wanted to reiterate the overwhelming sentiment that "You write very well."

Fragrant Liar said...

Wow, I have missed you! I hate it when the mariachi bands just watch me cruise by, trying to NOT make eyes contact. But it's so hard when they wear their neatly pressed guayaberas. They work so hard to be pleasing to the eye.

Missed you, Vic!!

P.S. You write really well.

justmakingourway said...

First of all, Happy Belated Birthday!!

Second of all, you write really well.

Yeah, I know fifteen other people have already said that, but I still think it's funny.

I also think you're funny. Happy to hear from you again!

LiLu said...

If someone stole my hair, I would DEFINITELY want a grilled cheese as reparations. Maybe even some bacon.