Thursday, December 23, 2010

I'm Not Even Going to Mention the Fact That The Cats Are Eating the Christmas Tree.



Now that Rudolph's dead, I think it's clear that Christmas is too dangerous.

Probably we should all abandon it for something safer, like Kwanzaa.

I don't know anything about Kwanzaa really, but I'm pretty sure there's never been a Kwanzaa Day parade where giant inflatable reindeer are stabbed in the head by street lamps and die in front of scores of traumatized children.

Which is how Rudolph bit it, apparently.

I just went and looked up Kwanzaa, and it seems like I'm on the right track. It's all about corn and meditation, and maybe a little Motown, so pretty safe!

Seeing a giant corn deflate would not be so bad.

Another thing Kwanzaa doesn't have is attaching thousands of tiny light bulbs to your house with a staple gun and a really tall ladder. There are not many combinations of things that say Bad Idea more than electricity, heights, and sharp projectiles, unless you add wasps, which we did this year.

See, my husband unexpectedly decided to go a different way with the lights, which is to say, rather than putting up half a strand of lights and then growing bored and leaving the other end to swing freely in the breeze until about March, he and my son decided to cover the entire house with lightbulbs.

Right after the two of them finished dragging huge piles of tangled lights out onto the lawn we had an electrical storm. From his vantage point on the aluminum ladder, my husband said the lightening looked pretty close.

So then he came down the ladder super fast and ran inside, and then realized the ladder was still leaning against the house, pointing directly into my daughter's room, and since we already have a family history of ancestors being killed by lightening inside the house, it seemed like a good thing to move it. Then there was a highly entertaining half hour of watching my husband run out in the rain to the ladder, almost touch it, retract his hand, and run back in the house, just as the next flash of lightening hit. After about five attempts he finally hit it with a stick and knocked it into the yard, where it seemed likely to stay.

Then two weeks later, the job suddenly recommenced. I left the house in the morning to go grade papers. An hour later I received a text message from my daughter announcing that her dad had fallen off the ladder after being rushed by a cloud of wasps hiding under the eaves, and that there was "a lot of blood".

When I got home I found the driveway bloody, the neighbor boy overexcited in the front yard, and my husband bleeding on the sofa while holding a bag of frozen chopped spinach to his head.

"I saw him go over!" my son reported. "He just laid there for a long time after his head hit the driveway."

My husband didn't want to go to the emergency room, of course, knowing he would be lining up with all the other shame-faced Christmas victims, but he was overruled.

I made sure to look while we were there, and there were no Kwanzaa-related injuries to report at the E.R, although, to be fair, there were a few of unidentified origin, like the angry old guy in front of us in a wheelchair who kept muttering to the woman at the counter "Don't hurry on MY account! I'm just bleeding internally! I'll be FINE! You just take your time back there!"

Maybe he had a Kwanzaa limbo injury. It's hard to say.

Anyway, after a CAT scan and two X-rays came back clear, the doctor squeezed the back of the husband's head open like a plastic change purse and said "Hmm, that's going to need some staples!"

Oh, the irony.

The lights on the house are still not quite finished, but that's okay. I'm playing Motown and praying Rudolph is the last Christmas fatality this year.

Merry Kwanzaa everyone.

22 comments:

Ed said...

Merry Christmas Vic!

Neo said...

get well soon...sir, I was laffing hysterically while reading this...
sorry, really I hope you get better :)

Jules said...

Happy Hanukkah!

JustLinda said...

I'm sitting here with a tissue shoved up my nostrils, but I'm not sure I can blame that on Christmas.

Or can I????

Also, I much prefer cookies and fudge to corn. I think the risk might be worth it...

Wow, that was awkward said...

One of the nice things about getting divorced is that I no longer have to string Xmas lights around the man eating thorn infested tree that was my nemesis every December. I was like the swearing father in A Christmas Story and I didn't even get a leg lamp for all my efforts. No, I don't miss that damn tree at all. Happy Holidays! :)

Lazarus said...

Falling off ladders causes 40% of all emergency room visits for men, as my buddy recently learned when he fell 20 feet off a ladder propped against a tree. He was in the hospital/rehab for 9 weeks. He's much better now, so I feel it's in good taste to ask him if he's going to take a job as a branch manager. Very funny post BTW, just discovered you, thanks!

Eric said...

If only they made ladders like they make banks now, too big to fall...

Venom said...

Just snorted my Carolans laced coffee through my nose, which really fucking hurts.
Kept laughing though, so thanks for that.
Merry Christmas Vic.

Megs said...

I think you are on the right track, as both Santa and the baby Jesus have decided they don't like me this year.

Although I have to say, I think they like you less than they like me, because no one has needed to have their head stapled around here. Yet.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Oh man, what is it about guys and ladders? You were right to insist he get checked out at the hospital. Glad he didn't have serious, lasting damage. Maybe he'd consider just lighting up the shrubs next year?

Chelle said...

But was the spinach still okay?


WV- shiphode.

Kim said...

Oh how I have missed reading you! Fuck the whole working thing-- a paycheck cannot top this.

Vic said...

@ed - you, too!

@neo- I passed along your good wishes to my broken husband, ma'am. :)

@Jules - :)

@JustLinda - is the tissue thing a new Christmas tradition? I'm always so behind on stuff. Are both nostils required?

@Wow- I heard thorn trees make great home security. Merry Christmas to you, too :)

@Lazarus - Nice to meet you Laz! My husband says he always ties himself to the ladder when it's as high as 20 feet. Which is good until the wind picks up.

@Eric -or governments....

@Venom - Hope your nostrils are okay! JustLInda is a proponent of putting tissue in them. Food for thought.
Merry Christmas to you too!

@Megs - Santa has had it in for me for years. It's like a holiday vendetta. Stay away from ladders!

@Blissed - No way. According to the husband, now it's ON. He'll probably be stringing the whole neighborhood with lights next year, using an extra tall ladder.

@chelle - That was MY question!! Can the blood get through the plastic bag? I put the spinach back in the freezer, but now no one will eat the bloody spinach.

@Kim - I love reading you too - I'm glad you're good, and HAPPY VOLUNTARY UNEMPLOYMENT! Now will you be my facebook friend?

diane said...

Hi Vic,
Love the little flying reindeer video, you're really good at that computer animation stuff.
Couldn't help but laugh at the visual of your hubby knocking over the ladder with a stick.
Have a Merry Christmas babe. xo d

HumorSmith said...

No more Rudy, eh? Oh deer. Well, perhaps if we place a bag of frozen spinach against his hurt bits and apply a few well placed staples...

Merry Christmas to you and yours Vic!

FabuLeslie said...

Happy Christmas, Kwanza, Chanukah, and Seasons Greetings to all!

I don't want your hubby to think I'm laughing at him, but this was a hilarious post!

Boom Boom Larew said...

Better luck next year with the lights! (Out of solidarity, I decided NOT to decorate my Christmas tree this year... better to "go green".)

SkylersDad said...

That was such a great story, I remember not-so-fondly a Christmas where I kicked over the ladder while on the roof. I sat up there waving until I finally got somebodies attention.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh good Lord, the change purse head wound description will stay with me for a long, long time.

In related news, I now have a new way to describe the things I do to my vagina when I'm trying really hard not to pee. Thanks!

Merry Christmas, Vic!

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Hope he is feeling better.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

I hope by now his stapled head has recovered sufficiently. But I feel sorry for you because of the ensuing confusion: now whenever he does something idiotic you have no way of knowing whether it is because of HIM or because of his, you know, "condition". Makes it kind of hard to decide whether you should yell at him or show him some, you know, compassion.

Because I am now an Angry Birds addict, I was mighty disappointed that the deflated Rudolph does NOT hit the Xmas tree and then topple it.

Tours in Venice said...

I agree with Boom Boom Larew, "go green." Christmas is full of enough stresses.