Monday, November 15, 2010

Never Let Pumba Call His Own Witnesses.

                                                 Or,  An Inspiring Courtroom Story
                                                OR,  Law, the Hakuna Matata Way!
                                                                   by  Juror # 3.

Because if Pumba IS allowed to call a witness, he won't have the slightest idea what to do with them, and then he will suck his protuberant lower lip obnoxiously, paging in desperation through thick binders of material looking for a mysterious thing he lost in there, and then he will ask the witness the same question for the fourth time.  And then the judge will yell at him for being an imbecile, and then Pumba will say, in his Jamaican/Texan warthog accent ("Jah Honah, Ah AXE you agen to gimme a moment heah!") that the judge is being NO FAIR! to him.  And then the judge will threaten to throw Pumba in jail for impersonating a lawyer and the courtroom will have to be cleared again while Pumba and the judge have a cage-fight in the judge's chambers.

Then, when you and your new best friends, co-jurors all, are finally allowed to return to your swivel chairs, Pumba will be sitting sullen and cowed in his own chair, and his partner Timon will have taken over. This will be better, because Timon has maybe presented a case before.  Timon will grill his witnesses (all hostiles witnesses, he will inform the courtroom) aggressively in a heavy, possibly Transylvanian accent, so like Dracula Timon, and he will call all the witnesses by the wrong name. Sometimes he will lean heavily on the podium with his forearms like he is driving it home to Meerkat Manor, but mostly he will prefer to interrogate his witnesses while sitting cross-legged in his attorney chair.

The judge will not threaten to have Timon executed as often as Pumba,  but he will roll his sarcastic eyes every time Timon yells "OBJECTION!", and then threaten consequences if Timon does not stop sitting in front of the Elmo machine so that the defense attorney cannot put his papers on it.  Eventually Timon will not allowed to have a chair at all because he forgets and drives his roller chair back into Elmo machine territory. The judge will instruct the court attendant to take Timon's chair away. Poor standing Timon.

Timon and Pumba will have been hired by the plaintiff.  The plaintiff, you will learn, is a plagiarist and a narcopleptic and also a nurse.  He is bald, and whiny and will lie on the witness stand .  You will also learn he has  been caught illegally taping a meeting, cheating on his nursing class assignments, and taking patient files out of the hospital.  (Did you remember that he is the plaintiff?  He has been wronged.)

How he has been wronged is that his nursing professors will have thrown him out of the program ( because he cheated, and broke the law, and took confidential patient records, probably for origami purposes.)  He will say his instructors were being meanies to him, and also they should have given him accommodations for his ADHD (surprise!!), like extra time on tests and someone to take notes and also provide hot towels and aromatherapy.

Timon will put a defendant on the witness stand.  He will refer to her, inexplicably, as "Ms. Runny."   He will ask, while driving the podium with his forearms,
"Miz Rrrrunny.  Why deed you say to anotheer student, about my client, 'Eef you SLEEP with thees dog, you weel get some fleas?!?  My client ees a Mahreed Man. Why you say thees? He can now neveer SLEEP at night, from so sadness. Why?"
Mzz Runny will attempt to explain a common colloquial phrase which does not imply students have been having doggy-style sex, but merely that Mr. Plaintiff is seen as a bad influence. Timon will shake his head at this obvious lie, and then wink conspiratorially at the jurors.

Meanwhile, in the jury box, you will write rebellious things in your court-provided stenographer's pad and twist,twist,twist in your swivel chair.  Three weeks of swiveling will happen, and many days of taking your belt off at the X-Ray machine security check twice a day, and then everyone putting their belts back on in the elevator and the doors opening suddenly so that it looks like people have been getting busy in the elevator, and then it will finally be time for deliberation. 

In the Jury Room, the first thing the foreman will say is, "Hey, does anyone else think those attorneys look like Lion King characters?"

A man from the Phillipines will want to punish Mz Runny for being "frowny".  He will worry that she scared Mr. Plaintiff in the classroom.  She should be nice to people.  Give the man some money!

No, no, no! Everyone will shout.  Someone will have chocolate. This saves the day!  The jury will find for the defendants.

Timon and Pumba will be very sad but it's the circle of life and their client will go on to nurse unsuspecting convalescent home patients even without a big pain-and-suffering payout, and all the jurors will say "We should get together sometime", but you know you won't.

At least you'll have the juror button you accidentally stole from the courthouse to remember them all by.
Hakuna Matata.