Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The One Where I Try to Explain Where the Hell I've Been.

Sometimes, late at night, I lie in bed listening to the dog dig a hole in the carpet under my bed and think fondly of you, my blog people.  

I like to think of you gathered peacefully together, all of you in colorful winter hats, gently adrift on an ice flow.  I broke you off from the mainland somehow, and there is a taciturn polar bear by my side, I think his name is Carl, watching with me as you bob off into the horizon.

In my imagination the ice flow is not like the kind where the village has cast you out and sent you out to your death.  Don't even worry.  It's more like a floating party, like a frozen cocktail party, because the ice chunk you're on is a little teeter-y, and any dancing or highly animated Pictionary games would take us back to the death scenario.

Pretty soon you're just like tiny specks in the distance, and then it's just me and Carl, and polar bears don't get my sense of humor, apparently, so it's quiet.  Too quiet.

I think, I wish they'd float back here.  Only then I see it in the wise bear's eyes;   I'm the one adrift.

I know.  It's pretty deep.  Also, besides destroying the carpet, the dog is stealing clementines from the kitchen and storing them under there so I need to remember to check for rotten fruit again.  That dog loves produce.

Anyway, I had very good intentions for regular posting this year, but then the world got dangerous.  For instance. You know how all of a sudden the nefarious nature of teachers has been revealed to the unsuspecting nation?  And how we are draining the US economy dry with our opulent lifestyles? ( Seriously, the teacher next to me must have three or four gauzy, Stevie Nicks-style skirts in her wardrobe where one would do. Sheer wanton excess. ) You probably also know how teachers are systematically breaking the spirits of children, and in between acts of cruelty are taking long breaks from the work we don't do.

So, I was trying to absorb this sudden elevation of my status to supervillain, and then the whole news thing with that teacher and her controversial blog entry happened, and it reminded me that teachers are to be seen and not heard.  

Which is hard when you write a blog that includes stories from your classroom from time to time, and also part of your head is identifiable in your profile picture, and some enterprising and vindictive helicopter mom could easily piece it all together and come a-calling. I felt like maybe I should delete everything in my blog except maybe the posts about cats and beards, and just hush up.

I retreated from the blog world to the safety of my home, which was okay until the police started showing up in the neighborhood.  The first time it was kind of fun, because the NASCAR neighbors got evicted and left the house locked up, and the sheriff had to break into the window in his tight uniform pants and holster belt, not that I was watching or anything, and after he left I went out to "get the mail" and the homeowner said "Hey come look at this!!"

So I did, just to be polite, and she took me in the house to show me all the trash they left behind, like six pairs of broken eyeglasses, and pizza boxes and meat on the counters, and what looked like drifts of yak hair in every room. Are yaks legal in town?

The next time the police came it was to arrest the sex offender we didn't know had come to live in the house behind ours.  Imagine our surprise! They took him away in hand cuffs, but I don't know where he is now.  I think if someone starts watching loud Doris Day movies at 2 am over there again we'll know to lock up the kids.

I guess what I'm saying is, I've missed you, my floating friends, and seeing as nowhere is safe anymore, I might as well enjoy myself and hang out here with you, if you don't mind. Let's just pretend that I work for the DMV or something for awhile.  People love those guys.

I've got clementines if anyone's hungry.  Some of them don't have tooth marks. 

30 comments:

Sam said...

I have kumquats with toothmarks. Some are half eaten, but they're still tasty.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

We've missed you.

Clemetines with toothmarks? Weird.

Sue said...

Glad you're back. Your ice floe is headed to a tropical island where all your friends are waiting- and then the real party will begin!
Love your writing... don't stop.

Demented Duchess said...

This almost feels like reading an episode of lost, complete with polar bears. Glad you're back. Enjoy the ride, hope you end up where you want to be & yes teachers get a bad rap!

Demented Duchess said...

Oh, and are clementines available now? sweet.

Boom Boom Larew said...

Wow! Your blogging has really caused your neighborhood to go to hell! No wonder you've been hiding out!

Mel said...

Glad you floated back this way. Thanks for the citrus offer, but I hauled a bag of fresh Florida citrus back from Spring Break and it's petrifying in a lovely bowl on the counter now. It should be food, but it is tacky decor. It is a mystery to me.
So glad your neighborhood is less sketchy now, and hope the helicopter moms never find you.
My word verification is foodless, that strikes me as too funny.

Chelle said...

I had no idea that your were.. you were.. an educator.

WV- sphlog.

Cait said...

Did you take any of that tasty counter-meat?

Me said...

I only just read your entire blog over the course of like...last Monday and Tuesday, and I already missed you dearly. You make me laugh. A lot. Don't let The Man take you away from us! And, oh my cheese, I just had a great idea. You should make a second creeper birdhouse, only this one will say Blog Power instead of Black Power. Win, right? RIGHT??? .......................Right......guys.......?

Pearl said...

I've missed you as well!

Your neighborhood is kinda reminding me of the trailer park I grew up in. :-) Plenty o'blog fodder!!

Pearl

MJenks said...

Wait...your neighbors up and left, too? AND you've had another neighbor arrested and taken away in handcuffs? Too?

Say...was there a drug overdose two doors down from you, too? Just curious. Because, if our lives are THIS parallel, I need to know how much of a supervillain I am, too.

Plus, I need to find an animal familiar that doesn't get my sense of humor. I'm thinking a civet cat. Those are some uptight assholes of the animal kingdom, right there.

Expat From Hell said...

Pardon me for drifting in, but I got caught on the dog bringing clementines under your bed and was hooked. The issues with the neighbors just put icing on the cake. I will be back again! EFH

The Jules said...

Aha, it's you! All back and writey. Good.

Whatever you lose financially from being identified as a blogger will be more than made up for in blogging kudos.

You can redeem you kudos vouchers at any internationally recognised Blog Awareness Outlets, where you can choose from a dazzling array of of cats, babies and relationship enhancement toys.

Welcome back Vic.

Scribe said...

Yah, an ice berg parties. Those polar bears are bad-asses. Or so I've been told. Oh, and pass on the tooth-marked clementines. Thanks!

SkylersDad said...

I have been MIA also, but for me the creative juices just kind of dried up. Good to see you out here again!

dbs said...

You might be the funniest person who ever worked at the DMV that I've ever met. P.S. I work at the DMV too [insert subtext here].

nova said...

Okay, here's what you do: start a new blog and don't tell us who you are, but then comment on our blogs with your new identity so we can find you. Clandestine and secretive spy ninja style. And then you can write stuff, and just make it all vague if it's about someone you really know, and they'll never find you.

Jules said...

You and your boatloads of money from teaching.... You've spent your time hiding it away in your mansion. I know... I'm on to you....

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I don't know how I missed this but I'm glad you're back.

HumorSmith said...

Thanks to Aunt Floe for letting you come back to us.

Miss Yvonne said...

That story about the blogging teacher scared me too, and I'm not even a teacher. I put my face all over my blog and all I need is someone I work with to find and be all "Hey, I found your blog and read your post about giving the manager a bj in your interview!". Yikes.

Things just weren't the same without you, Vic. So glad you are back.

Cherylzblahg said...

So glad you're back. I'm new to your blog and was afeared you had gone underground to escape the un-education nazis. fuck 'em. freedom of speech goes for teachers,too.

the sweetest said...

This is my most favorite blog post that I have read in awhile. And to think I just came here today for the first time! Thanks to meaN girl garage for pimping you out on Twitter :)

diane said...

I thought of you when I read the "blog" story in the news. It made me worry; like teaching isn't tough enough, now you're putting your family lifestyle at risk if you have a sense of humor and like to write.
I've been absent for other reasons, namely a stubborn computer that mostly stays off.
I think it's all a plot of some sort to keep us from communicating. Or eating fruit.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Welcome back! It's a good time to be back. I say ditch the notion that being a teacher is supervillain-ish in a bad way, and instead, embrace it! Become a true supervillain in the classroom, like me! Muwhahahaha!

Title Loans said...

That's okay, my dog loves produce, too. Every time we let him outside he tries to steal the raspberries, grapes and blackberries. You'd think they things would know that those bushes had thorns on them! Welcome back; hope you stay current :)

Sara

Otternator said...

This was the first time I stumbled across your blog (I tend to do a lot of stumbling, both metaphorical and real - my limbs move as if they've never been properly introduced to one another but possibly hooked up one time drunkenly in a bathroom and then were too embarrassed to talk it over afterwards in the cold, sobering light of day) and I'm hooked. Consider me a fangirl!

Christine said...

Hi. I am a new follower. Enjoyed reading your blog. Would love it if you stopped by sometime.

Facetious Firecracker said...

I'm a teacher, too, and I just started a blog. It definitely sucks that we don't have the same freedom of speech as the public. Great blog!