Monday, June 13, 2011

One Man's Junk Is Another Man's Treasure

I didn't actually write this title.

I stole it, from the very last student essay I graded before the school year ( finally!) ended, freeing me up to play a lot of Fruit Ninja and mutter goddamn KIWI! every three seconds because they're impossible to see against the 70's rec room wood paneling background, which is apparently very Zen but mostly just pisses me off. 

Anyway.  Her essay was about recycling, I'm pretty sure, not gay erotica.  I'm disappointed in you.

I don't really blame her. It could happen to anyone. Especially now that we text everything, and there are no vowels, or capitals or punctuation needed, and even then the phone gets bored with you and just starts writing its own thing.  For instance, recently I sent my daughter a text because she was out of town and missing home.

The text said Your brother wore his tophat to the park to play baseball.  (This is what it was supposed to say.)


Only my phone disapproved and jazzed the message up without informing me, and what it really sent her said Your brother wore his gopher to the park to play baseball.

He's a weird kid, but even he draws the line at wearing gophers.  If you are new to this blog you may not yet know that I am haunted by the subject of rodents, totally against my will, and now my phone is in on the game. It's creepy.

Also my mother is now texting, and beautifully, I might add.  Here is the transcript of our first-ever text exchange:

Me:  Rumor has it you are now a texting goddess!  Why have you not been texting me? I had a banana for breakfast. Thought you needed to know.

Mom:  Th[
She already knows way more acronyms than I do.

By now you may have noticed that this post lacks a certain....substance. I'm disappointed in me. It's like a ricecake post, where the title is the caramel drizzle on the top, and that's okay, but the rest is just air and the promise of  indigestion. 

Mostly I wrote it so that I could stop seeing a post about poodles and EASTER everytime I opened up the blog. It makes me look like a slacker. They aren't even my poodles, they're my mother's, and I'm beginning to think they're the ones who sent me the text message.

My next post will have a lot of weighty social commentary, probably, like how the failing economy has created an unlooked-for shortage of giant metal dinosaurs, so don't even try to find a 25 foot steel T-Rex to put next to your mailbox.  You can't find them except for online maybe, and the shipping is ridiculous. It's sad.

Or. 

Maybe I'll start a series for summer!  Vic's Secret Shame!  Shames!  I'll swear you all to secrecy first, so it's all confidential, and I don't lose my job.  

Let me know what you think.  I've got some kiwi to kill.

24 comments:

Wow, that was awkward said...

Love the tophat, especially because I just bought my son a MadHatter version a few weeks ago. Look two posts ago at my blog to see a picture. He wears it everywhere!!! So fricken funny.

Good to read your words again. More, please.

hoodyhoo said...

I can't wear my gopher ANYWHERE. He has no social skills.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I honestly giggled through this whole post, and had to pull the neck of my shirt up to blot my eyes. And also maybe sniff my bosom, but whatever, two birds one stone, you know how it is.

Ooooh goodie. You know how I loves me some shame.

Mandy_Fish said...

Based on the title I thought this post was going to be about Wiener.

The Jules said...

You don't have to go all subjecty on us to make us read you.

And I suddenly want a tophat. Pronounced toffat.

SkylersDad said...

Nice to see you pop up out here, and I totally get Th[...

bschooled said...

This is hilarious.

My mother just ventured into the world of texting as well. She recently got a new iPhone and now she texts me to say things like:

is 20d in bwens ar/es

I found out later she was saying that it was 20 degrees in Buenos Aires.

The fact that neither of us have ever been to Buenos Aires, nor does she even know where Buenos Aires is exactly, is irrelevant.

erin said...

I can't believe you're here. I had to check and double check. You had me laughing, which was sooo nice.

Missed you Vic!

Ed said...

Gopher gives you game!

Whereas a tophat gives you style.

The Dreamer said...

I. Want. That. Tophat. Naow.

nova said...

heh heh "man's junk"

I missed you Vic! WRITE MORE. DOOO ITTT. You're one of my oldest-school blog pals you know. It comes with some obligation to entertain me. That's what friends are for, right?

Logical Libby said...

I thank Jesus every day my Mom hasn't learned how to text. It makes listening to her bitch about how I like to text even more fulfilling.

Michon said...

Yes! We totally want that series! P.S. LOVE the hat!

Shelly said...

The picture of the tophat from the back made him look like Tom Petty. You are hilarious. I am glad Steam Me Up Kid had a link to you otherwise I would have never discovered your hilarity. And the captcha is pignes. I feel like that is some sort of subliminal message.

Kim said...

Too funny, but I have to agree - a gopher would have been way cooler. I think the phone is haunted. It's all the rage lately don't you know...to have haunted items in your home. I'm trying to find mine.

el chupacabra said...

Someone needs to bring stove pipe hats back.

And capes.

Fragrant Liar said...

See I have all kinds of deep-seated (or is it really deep-seeded?) editorial issues with texting. I WANT to say "ur" instead of "your" and "LOL" instead of "that made me laugh out loud and almost pee my pants" but it's like my brain is ordering me to flesh it out, make a narrative that really grabs people and doesn't let them go. Remember, conflict, make your characters suffer!! Texting? I'm the only one suffering. Although I'm really getting the hang of sexting.

Fragrant Liar said...

P.S. Th[

And glad to see you here, even if I'm a little late to the party.

Fragrant Liar said...

P.S. Th[

And glad to see you here, even if I'm a little late to the party.

Eric said...

It's disturbing to know that somewhere out there, a 'Slash' from 'Guns 'N Roses' is running around 'without' a 'tophat'...

@eloh said...

You must be having a busy summer. Miss you.

The Jules said...

Er . . . I may sort of have tagged you in a meme a bit over at mine.

Only a bit mind . . .

Soz.

diane said...

Hellooooooo?
miss you vic. xo d

Margo said...

Vic, I miss you. Come play with me.